what makes america better than the eastern bloc?

i saw out of the corner of my all-seeing eye that a woman in the children's room had a bottled beverage. i approached her, she was with two children who were obviously not her own. she's the nanny. as i got closer i realized that the drink was a bacardi breezer. i told her that there is no eating or drinking in the library, and we do not allow alcoholic beverages. she claimed that she was suffereing from some sort of dehydration that can only be cured by wine coolers, and then apologized sweetly in her eastern european accent. ah america: land of opportunity, mecca of endless jobs in both the childcare and sex worker industries, and home to the bacardi breezer.

bigger and better than good ole honest abe

i am staring at a man with a beard of toilet paper stretching from ear to ear. he is telling our circulation desk clerk that he is studying politics so that he can help hilary clinton get into office. he says hillary's got "bigger balls" than abraham lincoln.

I am Insensitive to Coma Victims

a woman came in today asking for a movie. i found said movie in our catalog, told her we could order it for her, then asked her if she'd like it on dvd or vhs.

she looked at me in utter shock, as i had spoken in unknown tongues and had slowly begun to levitate from my chair.

"what?" she asked, completely perplexed. "i don't know what you mean."

i continue, as if speaking to a sane person, "you know, do you want the movie on dvd or on a vhs tape?"

total confusion. silence. then, "well, what's the difference?"

i explain that dvds are discs and are played in dvd players and vhs tapes are cassettes played in vcrs.

"oh," she says, with slight recognition of what i am talking about. "they're the squares that get played in the boxes, right?"

breathe. pray for patience. "um, they're played in vcrs if that's what you mean by boxes."

"well how do i know which one i need?"

am i really having this conversation? "well, do you have a dvd player or do you have a vcr?"

she looks at me with disdain as if i've asked if she owns something very modern and extravagant, as if i've asked her if she owns a jet pack.

"i don't have anything like that" she tells me.

"well then you won't be able to watch the movie."

"you won't order it for me?!"

i try to explain that i can order it for her, but that if she doesn't have a vcr or a dvd player then there's no way to watch it.

"you won't just give me something to watch the movie on?" she asks.

as i explain the typical avenues for procurring a dvd player, i wonder if this woman is a time traveller from the past. maybe she has happened upon the library and doesn't understand the crazy ways of our contemporary society. then it comes to me that the only truly reasonable explanation is that this woman has just awoken from a thirty year coma. of course she doesn't know what a vcr is, she just wants to catch up on all the cinema that she's missed, and here i am standing in her way. i should have been nicer to her....our world is shocking and new to her and she needs to be eased in gently.

what i want out of life

all i want is a heart-shaped cookie.
is that too much to ask?

Sorry Epiphany but your intentions are unclear.

Enter "X".

Culturally Enriching Society, One Over-Priced Haircut at a Time

Crazy Ass Patron: Your hair is great.
Me: (smile brightly) thanks!
Crazy Ass Patron: No, no. Your hair is great.
Me: (starting to get a little scared) Uh .... thanks?
Crazy Ass Patron: (with level of enthusiasm that borders on deranged) No, no! I should be thanking you!
Me: (pretending to be looking for something I suddenly lost) Uh-huh.
Crazy Ass Patron: It's like ... if I saw a painting at a museum, the painter wouldn't thank me. I'd thank the painter for making something so beautiful.
Me: Maybe the painter would thank you, you know, if he were around and you told him you liked his painting.
Crazy Ass Patron: No, I should be thanking you! Your hair is like ... it's like it's beautifying the world.
Me:

my super good day turned bad

sometimes i like to predict the future through random events, like i felt today would be good because despite waking up late in a heat-free (doesn't that sound better than saying it's goddamned cold?) apartment i made the B24, then the L was waiting for me in the station, and then i made the 1st ave bus. it was a hat trick, but better because i didn't have to watch any hockey. so it should have been a super good day. but it hasn't been.