things they don't teach you in library school (yes, you have to go to school for this)

1. they do not teach you how to remove crayons from pencil sharpeners

remember those old fashioned metal pencil sharpeners they had bolted to the wall of your elementary school classroom? we have those. now, common sense might tell you that a pencil sharpener is for pencils. it is not a general sharpener of all dulled objects. for instance, you cannot sharpen knives with a pencil sharpener. it is for pencils only. i could go on and on and list the various things you should not put into a pencil sharpener, but i won't. however, aside from knives, you also shouldn't put crayons in pencil sharpeners.

we have these three siblings that come into the library. there is a 5-year old, a 9-year old, and a 13-year old. girls 9 and 13 are supposed to be looking after boy 5. but they do not like looking after boy 5. so instead they ignore boy 5 completely and allow him to run amok around the library while they socialize with older boys. lovely. here are some various predicaments which have arose from this custodial situation: boy 5 stood outside by himself in a downpour and got soaking wet, boy 5 ran outside during the heat wave and began picking up various discarded soda bottles on the ground and drank from them, boy 5 filled up a watergun in the library bathroom and was very close to going on a shooting spree, etc etc.

i have, on several occasions, told the older sisters that they must watch boy 5 AT ALL TIMES. and when i say this they usually roll their eyes at me and/or suck their teeth at me. so charming.

boy 5 happens to be very preoccupied with the pencil sharpener. on many occasions i have caught him taking apart the pencil sharpener and sticking his fingers between the various gears. i have also caught him shoving crayons up there. now, one would think that if you shoved a crayon into a pencil sharpener you would see that it didn't fit and you would cease and desist this activity. but oh no. instead he jams the entire crayon in there so that it is so deeply lodged in the pencil sharpener that it cannot be removed.

i wound up leaving it in there a few days so that the other children could learn the valuable lesson of "listen to miss dewey decimal when she says no crayons in the pencil sharpener."

so today i decided it would be my saturday mission to fix the pencil sharpener. it took 45 whole minutes. first, using a paper clip i tried to bore wholes into the mass of crayon. i coupled this technique with using the thin end of a pen cap to dig out crayon. then large chunks of crayon would be dislodged from the sharpener only to re-lodge themselves in the gears. then i would have to use said paper clip and pen cap all over again. the whole process was very painstaking, but eventually i got all the crayon out and now pencils can again be put into the pencil sharpener. and i made a cute little sign saying "pencils only" with a picture of a crayon with a big red line through it. ahhh, another action packed saturday in the children's room.

ooops, i forgot to post this

you miss me, don't you. i know. it's hard. but i'm a busy lady! and then earlier this week i came down with yet another sore throat. but luckily i was able to stave it off without becoming seriously ill! yay! so here are some tidbits for your enjoyment:

today this woman came in asking how to check her email. this is a normal thing. lots of times older patrons have set up an email account, either through a class or with the help of a young whipper-snapper relative, and now have no idea how to check it. so my friend approaches her. "do you have a library card?" she asks, "you'll need a library card to get on the computer. then i can show you how to check your email." seriously the patience of a saint, that one. so the woman looks at her, then looks at me and says, "oh, i need to get on a computer?" then my friend reiterates that yes you do need to get on a computer to check your email. then the woman frowns, obviously disappointed, "oh," she says, "i thought i could just check it. i didn't know i needed to use a computer." she says this as though we are going about unreasonable methods for e-mail checking, then she walks away. walks away! as if she might find a different solution elsewhere. as if at some other library maybe they can pull her emails out of the sky. damned. i wish we had that kind of technology. all we have is RFID.

then the other day i was talking with one of the teens that works in the library and she was asking me how long i've worked here. "you've been here a long time, right?" she asks. so i tell her i've been here almost a year and she says that she thinks that's the longest time a children's librarian has ever been here. wow. that's a bit sad. "so," she continues, "you must really like it here?" and i tell her that i do in fact like it here, and now that the atmosphere has changed to be the new peachy-go-lucky atmosphere that it is, i do like it here. and then i add, "you know, when i first got here the kids were crazy." she nods in agreement. i continue, "they were insane. but now they're actually really good." she agrees again, and then we have a nice little discussion about how it just takes a while for the kids in this neighborhood to trust anyone. and i left the library pondering how remarkable it is that these kids are now behaving and learning stuff. damned i'm good.

everyone's favorite republican

today when i went into the staff room for my break i did something which i have never done before. i turned on the very small black and white tv sitting in the corner ... and i watched it. you are probably asking yourself, "why miss dewey decimal?! why would you watch mind-numbing television?" well, it was because i had left my reading material in the car. you might be thinking to yourself that as a librarian i would have a wealth of reading material surrounding me. well, you'd be right. but i had already made it into the staff room and i didn't feel like going back into the trenches where someone might ask me a question, thus cutting into my precious lunch time. so i sat and watched me some family feud.

it turns out that watching family feud was a very very scary experience. the category was "facts about al gore." first there was the head-to-head face off. the woman who buzzed in first won with "ran for president." ahh, well spotted madam. al gore did run for president.

play was then turned over to her family, and the first player proudly proclaimed "is a republican!" as her answer. can you believe it? that wasn't on the board as a fact about AL GORE!? wtf?!

okay, now i am not always up on the latest politics. but i think that a grown person in america today should know that al gore is a democrat. i mean, c'mon! 2000 election? ran against g. w. bush? florida recount? any of these things ring a bell? it's not like we're asking for facts about aaron burr or something.

okay. fine. moving on. so then the next member of the family cleverly says "is a democrat" as her fact about al gore. phew! good save! then the family gets another strike against them when a player proclaims that al gore "is from arkansas." no, i'm sorry. that is bill clinton. yes, i know you thought they were the same person. but they are in fact two seperate men. crazy talk, i know.

the game continued with little fanfare until there was one answer left. but sadly neither team could guess the answer. i was sitting with baited breath thinking the answer would be something like "is an environmentalist." but that wasn't the right answer either. do you know what the answer was? do you? take a guess. fill in your guess here _______________________.

nope! you're wrong! the correct last fact about al gore is that he "has gained weight."
yup. america has spoken.

how to answer the phone without actually having a conversation with someone

we have been closed for three weeks and you can imagine how well our hellish patrons are behaving now that we have re-opened. for instance, this morning a charming elderly woman left a message on the answering machine where she just shouted over and over again in an obnoxiously jappy voice (i hate to insult my own people, but there you go) "ARE YOU OPEN? ARE YOU OPEN? ARE YOU OPEN?" now i am sure that you, my beloved and non-mentally-retarded blog readers, understand that an answering machine is a one-way communication device. a person leaves a message, then at a later time another person hears said message. it is not a device in which to shout questions in hopes that if you are loud enough the answering machine will miraculously answer your question. that is not the type of answering the machine does. maybe this is a case of improper naming.
as you could imagine, after hearing this message i was not too excited to be answering our many many morning phone calls hearing the same thing over and over and over again: "are you open? are you open? my books are late. it's not my fault. no i could not return them to one of the other 80 something branches in the city. i will only go to hell's library." blah blah blah.
so i devised a clever scheme. this is what happens when you put someone of high intelligence (me) in a place where they don't let you do anything smart (hell's library) ... they devise clever schemes to amuse themselves. so my clever scheme was to pretend to be a recording when i answered the phone. i would say in a very monotone voice: hello, you have reached Hell's Library. starting today, we will be resuming normal business hours. we will be open today from 10 am to 6 pm. if you need further assistance please press "1" now."
this worked fairly well. i'd say about half the people just hung up. but alot of the people who pressed "1" (or maybe they pressed a different number as all the numbers sound the same to me) still asked if we were open and if we were open what time we were open until. obviously, they were unable to decipher my cryptic message. but i stand by this clever scheme and i encourage all to use it if there is a suitable need. you will thank me later.

hell's liberry - now in 5 new fruit flavors

there is a woman who works here who says li-berry. have i mentioned this before. stop me if you think that you've heard this one before. she is a li-berry-an here. you would think that working here and seeing things which say libRary on them, you might be able to pronounce it properly. where has that R gone to? well, i'll tell you. this woman is often heard telling patrons about our friction and non-friction sections. please, do not confuse these sections with the fiction (made-up stories) and non-fiction (factual information) books. the friction section could only describe a grouping of books which have some sort of tread on them, while the non-friction books remain quite slippery. look out for those, they are most likely easy to drop. hopefully they don't include large reference tomes.
sometimes i like to image the li-berry as a magical place housed in a strawberry top where librarians frolic freely, each one having their own signature fruit scent. i plan on being peachy. or maybe i could be some kind of peach raspberry swirl, that way i can match my hair color.

people may actually be listening to my ideas ... crazy, i know

so we have this ongoing problem where older kids are hanging out in the children's room because they want to use the children's computers instead of hanging out in the regular section of the library with the psycho crack addled adults. fair enough, who can blame them? but they cause trouble up there in the children's room and everyone is like, "ahhh, get these teenagers out of here!" so i said that if we had an area for teens with computers then they wouldn't have this problem.
oh no no! they said. can't be done! too expensive!
so then i mentioned that we have two computers that aren't hooked up to the internet (one of which has had an 'out of order' sign hung from it for the history of time). why you would have two computers without internet access in this day and age is beyond me. so i suggested taking these two computers and hooking them up to the internet and making them teen-only in the afternoons when the kids are out of school.
oh no no! the saidy said. can't be done! too expensive! hook up computers to the internet?! that's crazy talk.
so when they told me the wiring was the part that was too expensive i suggested hooking them up wirelessly. that's cheap. could be done for about $100. but no, that couldn't be done because no other library has only two computers hooked up wirelessly. and we are not allowed to do anything different or come up with any new ideas, even if they make perfect sense and are totally logical and reasonable. so then i suggested making the whole library wireless.
oh no no! they said. can't be done! too expensive! just because fifty-some odd other branches in the system are wireless doesn't mean you get to be wireless too!
so, it seemed like our heroine would not be able to get internet computers for the poor underserved teens of our fair city. internet? what do you think this is? the twenty-first century? but then, my beloved blog readers, i found out today that a team of technogeeks from the IT department will be coming to do a "wireless survey" tomorrow in hopes of connecting at least one computer to the internet.
1 point: me

a list of behaviors which will make me loathe a patron immediately ... part 1

1. shouting at me from across the room
this is a library (although you might mistake it for a mental institution) can we try to maintain the semblance of quiet studiousness?

2. not being able to identify what your library card number is
you have a library card. there is ONE number on it. it's the ONLY number there. just to be clear, your library card number is not your phone number; it is not your SSN#; it is not the number on your reciept next to the title of the book you have checked out. it is simply the number which is physically located on your library card.

3. inability to understand our reserve system
a patron is looking for their reserved items. i tell them they are organized by the last four digits of their library card number. "what number is that?" they ask (see above). then they look at the shelves in complete confusion. "where is my book?" they shout.
"ok," i tell them. "you're standing in front of the reserves. look at the number printed in large print on the outside of each book. now, do you have to count up or down from that number to find your number? they're in order. number order. by the last four digits of your library card."

4. refusal to click the clock
a patron approaches the computer to make an internet appointment. pre-emptively i shout, "you have to click on the clock icon where is says 'reserve a pc' to reserve a computer."
the patron does not even reach for the mouse. they want to use the shiny glowing scanner.
"no, don't scan your card," i say. "you have to click on the clock first."
the card goes closer and closer to the shiny red laser beam.
"no!" i shout. "don't scan your card! click the clock! click the clock!"
the patron scans their card, "why didn't it work?! this thing doesn't work!"
sigh. "you need to click the clock first."

intimidating my co-workers, one crazy patron at a time

so we have this patron, E.J., and he calls the library no less than 30 times a day. usually he is asking the same question over and over and over again. so he called me today to ask if his book is in...it went something like this:
EJ: i got a call that my book was in? do you have it there?
Me: yes, that's why we called you
EJ: i ordered a GED book with a CD-ROM?
Me: yeah, it's here
EJ: is the CD-ROM there?
Me: yeah. the book, which includes a CD-ROM, is here
EJ: so it's there and i can come pick it up?
Me: yes. when we call you and tell you a book is here for you that means its here and you can come pick it up

and on and on and on and on and on and on

so when i finally get off the phone with the lovely EJ i make a comment in passing to some of my fellow staff members saying that although i am not a violent person, if i could get away with it, i would have no problem bludgeoning EJ to death with a large reference book. is that an innapropriate comment to make in the workplace?

there's no business like library business

"is your library going out of business?" a patron asks, taking in her surroundings with a distraught look on her face. "cause it looks really sad in here."

yes, we are the bad news bears. please help us raise money for new uniforms or else the library will have to close. we're scrappy yet loveable, i swear.

is this in chinese?

woman holding up a dvd with large chinese characters on it, asking in disgust if it's in chinese. yes, that would be in chinese. what about this one? yes, that dvd with chinese people on the cover with chinese written all over it is likely to be in chinese as well.

what makes america better than the eastern bloc?

i saw out of the corner of my all-seeing eye that a woman in the children's room had a bottled beverage. i approached her, she was with two children who were obviously not her own. she's the nanny. as i got closer i realized that the drink was a bacardi breezer. i told her that there is no eating or drinking in the library, and we do not allow alcoholic beverages. she claimed that she was suffereing from some sort of dehydration that can only be cured by wine coolers, and then apologized sweetly in her eastern european accent. ah america: land of opportunity, mecca of endless jobs in both the childcare and sex worker industries, and home to the bacardi breezer.

I am Insensitive to Coma Victims

a woman came in today asking for a movie. i found said movie in our catalog, told her we could order it for her, then asked her if she'd like it on dvd or vhs.

she looked at me in utter shock, as i had spoken in unknown tongues and had slowly begun to levitate from my chair.

"what?" she asked, completely perplexed. "i don't know what you mean."

i continue, as if speaking to a sane person, "you know, do you want the movie on dvd or on a vhs tape?"

total confusion. silence. then, "well, what's the difference?"

i explain that dvds are discs and are played in dvd players and vhs tapes are cassettes played in vcrs.

"oh," she says, with slight recognition of what i am talking about. "they're the squares that get played in the boxes, right?"

breathe. pray for patience. "um, they're played in vcrs if that's what you mean by boxes."

"well how do i know which one i need?"

am i really having this conversation? "well, do you have a dvd player or do you have a vcr?"

she looks at me with disdain as if i've asked if she owns something very modern and extravagant, as if i've asked her if she owns a jet pack.

"i don't have anything like that" she tells me.

"well then you won't be able to watch the movie."

"you won't order it for me?!"

i try to explain that i can order it for her, but that if she doesn't have a vcr or a dvd player then there's no way to watch it.

"you won't just give me something to watch the movie on?" she asks.

as i explain the typical avenues for procurring a dvd player, i wonder if this woman is a time traveller from the past. maybe she has happened upon the library and doesn't understand the crazy ways of our contemporary society. then it comes to me that the only truly reasonable explanation is that this woman has just awoken from a thirty year coma. of course she doesn't know what a vcr is, she just wants to catch up on all the cinema that she's missed, and here i am standing in her way. i should have been nicer to her....our world is shocking and new to her and she needs to be eased in gently.