we have a winner

just in case you were wondering who would win the Unpack All Your Boxes moving competition, the official winner is ME! miss dewey decimal! yay! i officially have unpacked all of my boxes (although there are a few random things of mine laying around that the roomie and i packed last minute. and when i say packed i mean that we randomly threw a bunch of crap into a box hoping to sort it out later). anyway, here are the items that are officially missing, never to be seen again:
1. my OXO plunger - have you used OXO products? they are amazing. i also heart their garlic press.
2. my bathmats - luckily i purchased a new mat from the dollar store. i don't know if it is intended for bathroom use but it is blue with ugly pink flowers, so who cares?
3. my food processor - how do you lose a food processor? i don't know. but apparently, i've lost mine.
4. my medium sized saucepan - we have a small saucepan and then the large cauldron type pot i got as an engagement present back when i was engaged (oh how little you know about me! never knew i was sentenced to death ... i mean marriage), but where is my medium sized sauce pan?
so if you see any of these items, please alert me immediately.
otherwise things are good. ms. bitchcakes was nice enough to give me not one but TWO fiber one ceral bars last night. i had one for breakfast, caramel and oat, it was AWESOME! i must get more and make them a part of my new morning ritual. also, ms. b. cakes gave me this cool reading is sexy bumper sticker. ahhhh, miss b. cakes ... you make me smile. did you by any chance happen to see my food processor?

have you met Stolman?

i have this fabulous fabulous closet system which i purchased from ikea several years ago. it is an intricate system of tension poles and bars which create a closet type structure. i love it. but unfortunately, since disassembling yesterday i seem to be struck with some sort of amnesia in regards to putting it back together. but miss dewey decimal, how did you ever install this thing in the first place? well that is the problem. the last two apartments i lived in i had my ex install it. he was quite useful when it came to these types of things. now, he is very keen to be friends with me, and had i not told him to "f#@% off" the last time he extended me a cordial greeting, maybe i could call him and ask him to help me install this. but alas, i did in fact tell him to f@$% off (i believe i said, to be exact, f@#$ off poly). and of course the instructions on the internet seem to be for a different model than the one i have, and the nice woman on the ikea help line was also unable to assist me. any ideas? anyone know how to put this together?

no more bicycles built for two

le sigh ... it is with great excitement that i bid a fond adieu to my current apartment and my cute little polish neighborhood. and of course i will especially miss the bucolic mcgolrick park, featured here in HBOs Flight of the Conchords. (wait for it ... it's SO worth it)

dogs in stereo

have i mentioned that techno asshole has a dog? and that sometimes this dog barks at all hours of the day? and that this barking is very loud? well this morning i was awoken to the sound of not one but two dogs barking. there's the regular dog, and now there's an extra high pitched dog joining in.
i am moving in 8 days.

asking for too much

really ... who was i kidding? did i think i could have a nice weekend and be in a better general mood and also get to sleep in? that is asking for too much! obviously i cannot get all of those things out of life at the same time! that is why i had to, had to be awakened at 8:45 this morning by the grumbling vibrations of techno music. happy president's day.

irony

here's an email i got from my landlord regarding my complaints about techno asshole:
Hi,
I’ve spoken to your downstairs neighbor about the loud music; he said he will take it into consideration and not play so loud music but he said I should attention to you that you shouldn’t make loud noise at night. Please be aware that making loud noise is not permitted.
Thank you,
Waterfront Management

please note three things:
1. he will only "take it into consideration" to not be the most inconsiderate asshole on the planet
2. we have "waterfront" management, yet we are in no way near water. in fact we have a view of the BQE on-ramp
3. apparently, i make "loud noise at night." get your mind out of the gutter. trust me, there's none of that going on in this apartment. not in the slightest.
4. i am still in starbucks not working on my novel (okay, that's 4 things)

i signed my lease!!!

this is a view of what will soon be my street! although this isn't really my street, you have to walk to the end of my block and then this is on the next block. but you can see the cool smoke stack from my new place! so said smokestack building was once a hospital, but now is a housing development (please read: project) which may be turned into condos. anyhoo, my roommate and i will soon be retiring our kicks on that very power line. ahhhhhh.

goodmorning brooklyn

its good when you wake up and you don't feel like you're going to kill someone. as opposed to saturday morning when my downstairs neighbor, techno asshole, woke me up at 9:30 am with his god awful techno music. which of course led me to go downstairs and bang on his door so hard that i gave myself black and blues on the sides of my hands. i didn't think our little chat did any good, but lo and behold this morning i have been techno free. ahhhhhhhh. i slept until 11:20! thank god. and now i am filled with a feeling of restfulness and relaxation and i do not have the urge to punch anyone's door down. but please know, that if you hear any stories in the news of a girl in her late twenties who shows up to her neighbor's door with pink boxing gloves on and pummels him within inches of his life ... that will be me. but not on this glorious morning. anyway, i believe it is now time for me to get up so i can clean my room, write some novels, sign some leases, and go to a brunch party.

don't piss on my head and call it "east williamsburg"

there is a little real estate phenomenon in my area called "east williamsburg." what could be confusing about this? there is williamsburg and then there is the eastern portion of williamsburg known as east williamsburg. oh, not so! you see, everyone wants to live in williamsburg, so now what happens is that people try to convince newcomers who don't know the area that bushwick (williamsburg's slummy neighbor) is actually "east williamsburg." east williamsburg could go on until queens as far as realtors are concerned. one day soon you'll be at the beach in montauk and overhear someone saying, "i had no idea they had a lighthouse here in east williamsburg." (get it? because montauk is far out east)
anyway, last night we were meeting with a realtor and he said the dreaded words, "east williamsburg." so i asked, "you mean bushwick?" and he was all no no no, its east williamsburg! i swear! its at the montrose stop!"
"dude!" i exclaimed with a bit too much attitude, possibly frightening my roommate, "that is totally bushwick! i'm not paying $2500 to live in @%#&ing bushwick!" (i'm not paying $2500 to live anywhere)
"oh no," he said, "bushwick doesn't start until at least the jefferson stop."
"jefferson?!," i said cleverly, "ha!"
anyway, then he showed us an apartment that is actually in williamsburg proper (possibly the western most part of "east williamsburg," but i'm not quite sure. but it's a few short blocks away from the graham stop, so i am satisfied geographically). this place is AWESOME! its huge! HUGE! expensive, but HUGE! (not as expensive as that bullshit place in bushwick). so we are on our way, getting our papers together, busting open our piggy banks. miss roommate and i are already planning our first party. i think it will be black tie. and we'll serve metropolitans.

there's a mouse in my house: part deux

today i came home, again with the plans to work on my "novel." urgh, this thing is killing me. i have like four pages. why is this so slow going? is it because mars is in retrograde? i'm fighting it. i'm fighting the retrograde.
anyway i come home intending to have some quality time with my laptop when i see something scurry into the center of my living room. lo and behold there is the little gray mouse. now, i would like to take the time to point at that i once had not one but TWO pet mice (pinky and the brain, may you rest in peace and may god have mercy on your souls). but yet again i see the mouse in my house and i start screaming like a little girl. as soon as i start screaming the mouse runs behind the oven. i think that's where he has created one of those little mouse holes in the wall like you see in the tom and jerry cartoons. anyway, i decide to arm myself with a plastic pitcher in hopes that it would come back out and i could trap it under the pitcher (much like my sister's successful strategy of catching a mouse with a take-out soup container). but alas the mouse is gone, again. le sigh.
maybe i need to take ms. bitch cakes up on her offer of bringing her cat over here.

there is a mouse in my house

please note that this is not actually the mouse that is in my house, nor is this my stove. this is a dramatization of the frightful tale you are about to read:
i come home with the intention of working on my "novel" right after i eat some dinner. so i am sitting on my couch scarfing down ziti my grandma sent home with me, and i hear a rustling. at first i did not know what the rustling was, but it appeared to be coming from a plastic bag that my roommate had left on top of our stove. it seemed like this was just random rustling, maybe from a breeze from our poorly insulated windows. whatevs. so i continue scarfing said ziti. but this rustling noise continues. everytime i look up to investigate it, it stops, but i am beginning to get suspicious. then suddenly, i see tail. mouse tail. poking out of the plastic bag. what do i decide to do? scream like a little girl. yup. screaming like a little girl was the most useful thing i could think of to do with myself at that moment.
after screaming like a little girl i decided to devise a plan. this plan would include me quickly picking up the plastic bag with the mouse inside. then i would put this plastic bag into a larger plastic bag, you know, just for good measure. and then i would take the plastic bag and throw it in the garbage outside. so i do this, making girly yelping noises the entire time. but i make it to the garbage and i begin to feel rather proud that i handled the situation so well.
i return to the couch and for a few moments i think everything is ok. and that is when i see it. the little gray mouse is now sitting right on top of my stove. and of course this time there is no plastic bag or anything to use to pick it up without having to touch it. so what do i do? i grab my phone so i can take a picture. yet another effective and useful decision whilst enduring a crisis. but sadly the mouse was too quick for me so i was unable to get a picture.
and then the mouse did the most god awful thing ever. he jumped into the hole where the burner is, peeked his head out for one split second, you know just to taunt me, and then he disappeared. DISAPPEARED!
at this point, i had to call in some back up. so i txted my roommate to see if she had any ideas of what to do. we decided it would be best to turn on the stove and see if we could "smoke" the mouse out. so i turned on all four burners at once and had the flames on high in hopes that the mouse would get so hot that he would have to run out. but alas this did not happen.
finally, i came up with a very primitive mouse trap ... i have placed half a piece of bread on the stove, and the other half in a plastic bag nearby. i am hoping the mouse will come out of the stove and into the plastic bag. but i've been sitting here about 2 hours now and there has been no sign of the mouse.
i don't know if i can live here anymore. i may need a new apartment. seriously, if there is a mouse in the stove, what other things are lurking here. it's probably best not to ask.

my super good day turned bad

sometimes i like to predict the future through random events, like i felt today would be good because despite waking up late in a heat-free (doesn't that sound better than saying it's goddamned cold?) apartment i made the B24, then the L was waiting for me in the station, and then i made the 1st ave bus. it was a hat trick, but better because i didn't have to watch any hockey. so it should have been a super good day. but it hasn't been.