the last newsflash

oh ... le sigh, it is my last issue of the newsletter. i wrote a little goodbye to my kids. i will definitely miss them. i'll also miss my one co-worker friend and my fabulous assistant (although i hear i get TWO assistants at my new library. TWO!) other features in this newsletter are an entire section of poems by kid who hates hoboes (he is our resident poet now).

you may remember that kid who hates hoboes was not doing so well, you know getting left back and acting up. i'm happy to say that he has improved on some levels, like being a good poet, but then sometimes he falls into the trap of acting like a thug. it's very frustrating.

the other day my favorite kid comes in and tells me that kid who hates hoboes, along with another kid, "jumped" him outside the library after we closed. the story goes that KWHH repeatedly told FK to hand over his money, and then KWHH pushed FK into the bushes, causing him to lose his library card in said bushes. i was appalled.

now, you might not think that losing your library card is a big deal. but on the contrary, it is quite a big deal. first off, if someone finds the card they can use it and take out hundreds of dollars worth of stuff and never return it and then your account with us is ruined forever. that's the worst case scenario.

then, it costs $2 for a new card. again, that might not seem like a big deal but most of my kids don't have 2 bucks to spare. so i tell FK that we need to immediately mark his card "lost" so that no one can use it. and then when i look him up in the computer i find out that someone has already tried to fraudulently use his card at the central branch, and that his card is being held for him there.

on the one hand this is good news that we've located his card. but then he has to get himself to central, which involves crossing a major street and walking about a mile, or taking a bus. he really needs an adult for this. since his mother doesn't speak english, she is not typically helpful in taking control of these types of situations.

then he asks me if i could give him a note to give to the people at central to explain the situation. so i write him a little letter saying that he is who he says he is, blah blah blah, i'm a librarian, give him his card please. then he asks me (he's so cute) if he can just give the note to the people without saying anything. he's so sweet. i suggest to him that he say something like "i'm here to get my lost library card. i have a note." he's not crazy about this idea, but i encourage him that sometimes in the grown-up world we have to talk to other people even though its uncomfortable. being someone who often hates talking to other people, i can understand his pain.

then my fabulous assistant and i have a sit down with KWHH and his partner and crime. by this time i am furious with them. the partner in crime is immediately remorseful, and seems genuinely sorry. i soon realize he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. which makes sense because he and FK are friends, and this kid has never been a problem. whereas KWHH is rolling his eyes at us, telling us he was just "playing," etc etc. its pretty infuriating. then i explain to him that pushing someone and demanding their money is not "playing" and that in the adult world such actions are considered to be attempted robbery and assualt. i also explain the ordeal that FK will have to go through to get his card back, and that in less than a 24-hour period someone has already tried to use FK's card. this gets to KWHH but he still tries to act like he is somehow beyond blame.

my assistant and i tell the kids they have to apologize to FK, and they agree. when FK comes in, the partner in crime immediately goes up to him and apologizes in a sincere fashion. FK accepts the apologize and then they read a comic book together and the whole thing is very heartwarming. KWHH takes this opportunity to suddenly become very serious about his studies and decides to immerse himself in his homework.

soon it is almost closing time, and i remind KWHH that he must apologize and that his time is running out. but he still maintains that he MUST
complete his homework. after a year and a half of slacking off, his homework is now a top priority. eventually i see that FK is leaving and i demand that KWHH go apologize. so he goes over to FK and mumbles something that kind of sounds like "i'm sorry," but overall the apology is pathetic. and my favorite kid and i both know it.

after FK leaves i reiterate to KWHH how disappointed i am not only in his actions, but in his lame apology. but what can you do?

the kid formerly known as my favorite kid

so my favorite kid came in yesterday and as i mentioned he hasn't been coming in much. i had spoken with him last time regarding how important it is that he come to the library to do his homework. i had made him show me his homework, and it turns out he wasn't doing half of it.

so yesterday he comes in all proud, telling me that he gets a check every day for his homework, and that on his progress report it says that he always completes his homework. now, i know favorite kid. i know he does not posses the ability to do his homework on his own without serious prodding. so i am dubious of this progress report. i ask him to show me his homework and i see he has written out his times tables in his notebook, and there is indeed a checkmark. but i pry further.

"can you show me your assignment sheet?" i ask. and he shows me a sheet with a list of things he is supposed to do each day. "where are your spelling words?" i ask. he tells me he didn't do that part. "and where is this part where you are supposed to read an article and write about the who, what, where, when and why?" oh, surprise surprise, he didn't do that part either. he tells me he doesn't have articles at home.

"and where might you go to get articles, favorite kid."
"here," he groans.

then he argues with me that it must be ok that he is not doing all of his homework because his teacher is giving him checks everyday anyway. what the hell kind of teacher is this? so then i tell him that i think his teacher is being lazy.

"who is going to suffer in the end from you not doing your homework, favorite kid?"
"me," he groans.
what do you want to be when you grow up?" i ask.
"a lawyer," he tells me.
"well, lawyers need to do their homework in order to get to college. and they need to take a test. you can't be a lawyer if you don't do your homework."
"or a cop! i want to be a cop!"
"you still need to do your homework. there's a test to be a cop too."

then he tells me that he thinks his teacher is really tired, and goes on to do an impression of him. this impression looks very much like favorite kid's impression of our old teen tutor who was let go due to napping (maybe he was really a narcoleptic veteran! i am so insensitive when it comes to narcoleptic veteranss).

so then i tell favorite kid that i care about him and i want him to succeed. i tell him he needs to come in more and he needs to do his homework. he tells me he will, but seconds later he is goofing off. and then, dear blog readers, something dawned on me. i do not think that favorite kid is my favorite kid anymore. i think i have moved on.

taking a break

so when ms. assistant and i come up with our monthly calendar sometimes there are holes in it and we have no idea what to put there (we have not even started our april calendar yet. gasp!) last month when we were all frazzled and burnt out with no idea what to do on the last two mondays of the month, we turned to my favorite kid and said, "hey ... favorite kid, what should we do on the last two mondays of march?" and he said that we should make fake money and color it in.
now, that it NOT a good idea for a program. not at all. but then i thought about it and i decided what WOULD be a good idea for a program would be if we had the kids make fake money and buy fake stuff from fake stores and then make fake change. because when i am helping the kids with money related homework problems they need a lot of help. A LOT of help. and thus the program Spending Spree was born.
so today was the first day of spending spree ... i explained what a business is and then the kids decided what type of business they would like to make. each kid made a sign for their business and a list of a few items their business would sell. next week we will make fake money and the kids will go around to the various businesses and buy fake items with their fake money and the business owners will make fake change. it's fun ... and they'll learn stuff.
who is brilliant? me.
so after a while i went back to my desk to work on my book order and one of the kids came out and told me that he was on a fifteen minute break.
"huh?" i said cleverly.
"you know," he said, "from work ... at my business. i'm on a break."

which came first? the book or the movie? THE BOOK, GOD DAMNIT! PICK IT UP AND READ IT!

i support teachers, i really do. they have a tough job. but sometimes they make it difficult for me to support them. are they trying to make enemies with me? for instance, they are always sending kids in the library for these crazy projects and they tell the kids "the librarian will have a book for you on this!" but they never bother to check if a) a book on this was ever actually written or b) whether or not the library owns said book. for instance, we do not own a book on how tools have affected society. we have books on tools, that show pictures of hammers and screw drivers and describe their uses (we also have books on simple machines and pulleys), but nothing that discusses how society has benefited from tools. do you really need a book on that? can't you just look at a building or a car or a computer or a well-hung shelf to understand the importance of tools? did the teacher even think about this assignment before sending kids off to the library?
and don't even get me started on their antiquated mandatory summer reading lists that contain god knows how many books that are out of print. OUT OF PRINT! do a little research people!
but i digress to the rant at hand ... yesterday the kids come in and they are all excited to tell me about the field trip they went on. where did they go, you ask? well, this is new york city so there is a wealth of educational places to take children to, many of which are free or cheap.
let me list a few, just in case you live in a cave or are from out of town: the museum of natural history, the metropolitan museum of art, the children's museum of manhattan, brooklyn children's museum, new york hall of science, any number of botanical gardens, etc etc.
did my kids go to any of these places on their field trip? no. did they go anywhere remotely educational? no. where did they go? where? they went to the freaking movies. now, i love the movies. i see lots o' movies. but are you telling me that you can't find a better activity for children to MISS SCHOOL for than a trip to the movies?!
well, maybe this isn't so bad. what movie did they see? maybe the movie was somehow educational? maybe it related to black history month somehow? not so. they saw the spiderwick chronicles. ok, i thought to myself, that is at least based on a popular series of children's books. i bet the teacher had them all read the book and then they went to the movie.
so i ask my favorite kid, "favorite kid ... did your teacher have your class read the book before seeing the movie?"
"what book?" my favorite kid asks.
groan. sigh. shed a single tear. "the book the spiderwick chronicles."
"oh," he says excitedly, "they made a book about the movie?"
"NO," i shout, jumping away from my desk to where my spiderwick chronicles book display is, "there is a whole series of books that were written a few years ago and then they were so popular that someone made it into a movie."
then i hand him a book and he looks at it in amazement, as if he has not been surrounded by books every day.
then i gave a quick list of movies that he would know that are actually based on books: the wizard of oz, charlie and the chocolate factory, holes, the chronicles of narnia, harry potter, etc.
"did you teacher even mention that the movie was based on a book?"
"no," he says.
"maybe you should take this book out and show it to her," i say with a little too much attitude. "teach her a thing or two."
grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

not your average grown-up

i have a very nice chair at my desk. it's pink and it swivels. it is also OSHA compliant and has lumbar support. but this is not about my fabulous chair. last night as we were getting ready to pack it up and the lights were set to get-the-hell-out-of-here dim, my favorite kid and one of his friends were trying to finish up their homework. i went over to them and told them we were closing soon then returned to my desk. and i don't know why, maybe because i was restless and ready to leave, but i knelt on my chair and started doing chair twists. you know, when you swivel your chair one way but you kind of rotate your body the other way. it's fun and you get a good stretch out of it. anyway, after a few revolutions in my chair i realized that my favorite kid and his little friend were watching me in awe. so then i stopped and pretended like i was embarrassed to be caught playing in my chair.
"miss dewey decimal," my favorite kid said, "i've never seen a grown up do that."
"well," i said, "i'm not your average grown up." which is true. sometimes i am barely a grown up at all.
"it's okay," my favorite kid assured me. "that's fun to do. i have a chair like that at home and i do the same thing."

hangman and mp4 players

i have discovered that my children love playing hangman. i don't know why i've been trying so hard with planning programs. all they want to do is play hangman.
anyway, the other day the kid who hates hoboes came in and told me that it was his birthday over the weekend. then he proudly showed me what looked like an iPod, and i said, "oooh, did you get an iPod?"
and he said, "no, i got an mp4 player."
"um, kid who hates hoboes ... it's an mp3 player."
"no," he said, "this is an mp4 player."
"i'm pretty sure there's no such thing as an mp4 player."
well, let's just agree to disagree. shall we?
so then he discovered that he can record sound on the mp3 player, which is kind of exciting. i don't think i can do that on my iPod. maybe that's where the 4 comes in.
moving on ... then we played hangman. now, the kids love playing hangman, but they are not actually good at it. they guess the craziest letters like Q and Z and J. and often there is only one or two letters left and they can't guess it. i've been trying to encourage them to sound it out and leave a space where the missing letter is. but they don't like this idea. too much work. the whole thing is ridiculous. anyway, this last time we were playing they were starting to actually think and sound out the words and figure it out. yay!
so then on our last word, my favorite kid was able to figure it out and there weren't even all that many letters on the board yet. well, we all rallied around him praising him for his excellent powers of deduction. but then, and this is the best part, the kid who hates hoboes decided to interview my favorite kid about his hangman achievement, and record it on his mp3 player. it went something like this:
KWHH: so Favorite Kid, how did you feel when you solved the last hangman?
FK: it was good
KWHH: yeah, but how did you feel?
FK: well, it felt good i guess. like i felt proud. and everyone was happy for me.
then they kept replaying the interview and making people listen to it. it was possibly the cutest thing ever.

the big day, a pencil borrowed, and being the manager is hard damned work

so tomorrow is my big meeting. i wrote up an outline so that i can try to remember my key phrases. i am very very curious to see how this goes.
anyway, after the paper fiasco it was business as usual. my assistant came in, oh how i love her, and we did a program that we started called "i am somebody." this is an ongoing program in which we try to convince the children that they can be somebody. i say convince because we really are convincing them. anyway, today's "i am somebody" was a two parter. first we discussed how no one is perfect and everyone has faults. so me and my assistant told the kids what some of our faults are. my assistant said sometimes she is impatient and argumentative (although i would never say this about her cause i love her). then i said that sometimes i am lazy and don't work hard enough to accomplish my goals. then we had the kids anonymously write down one thing about themselves that they don't like (i totally stole this from an awesome diva burlesque dancer) and we put them in a paper bag and then i pulled them out one by one and we all discussed them. the kids did a really good job. they said stuff like "acting up," or "playing around too much" or "not thinking quickly enough" etc. and we discussed all these things. it was really good. then we did the opposite where we filled out these sheets where is says "i am a _ _ _ _ _ _ person" and they had to think of all 6 of their best qualities. and then draw a picture of themselves in the middle. i think a good time was had by all and it was really productive. i WILL keep these kids out of jail!
then at the end of the day i asked my favorite kid what he was thanking me for in his thank you note and he said he was thanking me for loaning him a pencil the other day. he's so sweet.

p.s. my assistant told me that while i was away at the conference she needed her activity reports signed and since i was not there to sign them she asked the manager to sign. she said that the manager rolled her eyes and complained that she hated having to do this type of thing (this type of thing being sign her name 5 times). then she signed the reports without even reading them. she really is the hardest working manager in showbiz.

i should be a little hispanic kid's mom

yesterday ...
my favorite kid: hey, what happened to your voice?
me: i have laryngitis
mfk: you're sick?
me: yeah
mfk: are you going to go to the doctor?
me: probably not. i'll just rest.
mfk: when my mom gets sick, i take care of her. i make her tea and make sure she has blankets to keep her warm. and if she has a fever ... i'll put a cold paper towel on her forehead.
me: that's nice. you're a good kid.
mfk: if you were my mom, i would take such good care of you when you're sick.
me: (trying not to look teary eyed) that's so sweet. thank you.

librarian: sole giver of compliments

so yesterday my favorite kid comes in and he is looking a bit sullen ... then i show him the fab art deco clock i made for him out of a bloomingdales box (i am so crafty. i have also decorated my apartment using snowflakes made out of pages from the phonebook. this is the most useful function my phonebook has performed in years). anyway my favorite kid was very happy to see the clock. then he admitted to me that he had been afraid that i was going to be mad at him. so i explained that what happened the other day is in the past and it is all over and today is a new day and everything is fine.
we begin our time-telling lesson, and although it is slow-going, he is kind of getting it. having the fake clock helps. but every time he understands one concept, he loses comprehension of another concept. it's like, he can only understand pieces of time-telling, and he cannot grasp them all at once. so its very frustrating work.
have i mentioned that as a librarian i have never ever not even once in my life taken an education course. do you know why? because i am not an educator. i am a librarian and it is not my job to teach. i am supposed to guide people and find books for people and expose them to culture and stuff. so when i get very frustrated and lose my patience, it is not my fault because i am in no way qualified to be teaching people stuff. (except maybe teaching people to knit)
anyway, helping favorite kid with his homework is like pulling teeth. i have to give him prompts for everything and he can't concentrate and he has trouble retaining information. but finally, he just looked at this one problem and without me saying anything he blurted out the correct answer.
"that's right!" i say a little too loudly for the library. then he got all smiley and i said that whatever he did right then, whatever process he went through in his mind, that is the exact right process and he should do it every time.
"you know," he says, "you're the only person that compliments me."
"well," i say, slightly taken aback, "i think it's important to compliment people when they do something good."
"yeah," he says, "but no one else ever compliments me. you compliment me all the time."

so now i have created a situation in which i have become favorite kid's personal tutor. which is very difficult work AND it takes away from the time i am supposed to be spending helping other kids. but how can i not? it's like i need to save this kid. he is within my grasp and only i can save him. his family has let hime down, his teachers are too busy to give him the attention he needs. i am standing in a field of rye and everyone around me is falling through the cracks and he is the one that i have grabbed onto to save.

what a difference a call to child protective services can make

while helping my favorite kid with his homework, he mentioned to me that he needed to go home early because his "case worker" was coming over. now, i just want you to know that he gives up this type of information without any prompting from me. i am not asking him any questions. he is all too eager to tell me this stuff. actually, he's kind of a blabbermouth. anyway, so he was telling me that his case worker from child protective services is coming over and he needs to finish his homework so that he can go home.
notice two things:
1. he now has a caseworker. possibly due to my phonecall which some people viewed as me "not minding my business."
2. he has to finish his homework in the library. because the library has turned into a free babysitting/parenting facility in which it is now my responsibility to teach these kids stuff like how to read and how to tell time. these things should be accomplished before i send this kid back to his family. god forbid this kids parents take part in his education. nice.
so anyway, he is telling me about his caseworker and how he is so excited because she will be coming over again next week and next week guess what she will be delivering to him and his little brother? a bump bed.
i think you mean, "a bunk bed," i tell him.
then i tell him of how as a little girl i used to wistfully dream of the day my sister and i would get a bunk bed, but alas, that day never came.
"don't worry," he says, "one day you will get a bump bed."
yes, favorite kid, maybe one day i shall get a bump bed. kind of like tom hanks in the movie Big. and maybe i will get a trampoline as well.

time is not on my side

the other day my favorite kid comes in and asks me to help him with his homework. i try to explain to him that my fabulous new activities assistant is in charge of homework help and that he should go into the program room with the other kids. he complains a bit and says he wants ME to help him with his homework and Ms. AA doesn't help him like i do and Ms. AA is too busy helping the other kids blah blah blah.

at this time i would like to say that i am a complete supporter of favoritism and i totally bend over backwards for my favorite kid because i love him so much. there i said it. and you know what? he deserves it. he's so cute and sweet and troubled. but i digress.

so i sit with my favorite kid and try to help him with his homework, which is all about telling time. have you ever tried to teach someone to tell time? it's infuriating. how the hell does anyone ever learn this the first time around?

so i am explaining different concepts of time to him and he is getting so confused and distracted and i am getting frustrated and the whole thing is awful. after a while when we are making very little progress he says "this is a waste of my time."

oh, that killed me. for about 10 seconds he was no longer my favorite kid.

"this is a waste of your time?! i don't have to do this! i am trying to help you! work on it yourself then!"

then he kind of cowers at my fury and says, "what is a waste of time?"

now i am confused. "you just said it!"

"yeah," he says, "but you're getting upset and i don't think i really know what it means because i didn't think i said something bad but i must of said something bad or else you would not be getting so mad. is that like a bad word or something?"

oh, bless him. he's so cute. so then i explain what a "waste of time" is and he is all apologetic and i say that i too am sorry for becoming frustrated and we continue with the homework.

around this time i realize that he has a serious problem comprehending what i tell him. it is all jumbled in his head and he just can't grasp any of the concepts permanently. have i mentioned that he was left back once? he was. so now i am realizing that i think he legitimately has a learning disability or maybe adhd or maybe both. because he is really struggling.

later when we were all going home i saw him standing in the foyer crying. i assumed this was some sort of family problem, like his mom forgot to pick him up or something. but when i ask him what wrong he says,

"this kid was calling me stupid for not knowing how to tell time because i am in the third grade and i should know how to tell the time. and really i am in the third grade twice now so i really should know how to tell time and there is something wrong with me that i don't know how and he was saying that i am stupid and i will never understand anything. and also i am so sorry for saying that thing that made you upset because i didn't know what i was saying."

so then i hug him and tell him of course i understand that he didn't mean what he said and i am not mad and everything is fine and he doesn't have to worry about it and god-as-my-witness i will teach him how to tell time!

so that night when i went home i made a fake clock out of a bloomingdales gift box. it's quite fetching, very art deco.

countdown to my vacation part 2

you may not be able to tell, but this is a depiction of me sliding down a water slide out of a tower. and then when i land i will be landing in a pool that looks like it is full of tropical fish, but as i explained to my favorite kid ... it is not really filled with tropical fish, the tropical fish are in a separate adjacent pool.
3 days, 13 hours and fifteen minutes until my plane takes off!
i think i might speak to the good people at the atlantis and ask them if they are interested in using some of this artwork in their next brochure.

countdown to my vacation

only 4 days and 8 hours until i am on a plane to the bahamas.

here is a depiction of what it might look like when i swim with dolphins, drawn by my favorite kid.

one day soon i will swim with the fishes (or are they mammals?)

so i was having a chat with my favorite kid and i was telling him about how i will be going on vacation very very soon. FK was sad ... said he would miss me. he's so cute. then i said that i will miss him too. but not enough to not go to the bahamas. "what's the bahamas?" FK asks. my god, he really is a neglected child. so i ask him if he would like to see the bahamas. then i magically use the internets to show him the lovely resort i will be staying at in said bahamas. well, i think you guys may have noticed that i've been a bit down ... well i perked right up when i started looking at this website. i started saying stuff like, "look FK i can go on water slide!" "ooooh, FK i can relax in a tube and go down a river-shaped pool" "you can swim with dolphins for 30 minutes FK, aren't you excited?!"

although FK was excited i could tell he was also getting a little jealous. "that's no fair," he said, "you're going to go to the bahamas and i'm going to be left here to do all the work."

"what work do you do, FK?" i mean, c'mon, i'm the one working here.

"you'll be swimming with dolphins for 30 minutes and i'll be here in the cold going to school and doing homework and being bored!"

"yeah," i agree, "that is unfair."

"i've never been on a vacation," he said. then he took a few sheets of paper and skulked off.

i felt pretty bad then. i mean, i didn't want to rub it in like that.

but then a few minutes later he came back and showed me the Happy Vacation card that he made me. it was several pages long, each page illustrating a vacation activity: me with dolphins, me on waterslide, me relaxing on a raft. it was pretty awesome.

so i think i will make him a card before i leave. maybe i will illustrate myself missing FK while i am on vacation.

my favorite kid tells me a secret

FK: i have a secret to tell you
Me: okay (i say excitedly, because i love gossip)
FK: but you can't tell anyone
Me: who would i tell?
FK: if you tell anyone it will be like a betrayal, you know? you'll betray me.
Me: (realizing something is up) well .... sometimes when kids tell adults secrets the adults have to tell someone because the secret is something bad and the adult has to do something about it. do you understand that?
FK: yes
Me: okay, so what is your secret?
FK: sometimes ... i don't behave so good .... i used to behave bad all the time ... but now i behave pretty good.
Me: yeah, sometimes you misbehave ... but usually you're really good. (then i say in a whisper) you're one of my favorite kids.
FK: but when i misbehave at school i tell my mom and then my mom tells my dad and he gets so angry at me and then he hits me with a belt
Me: that's not right. he shouldn't do that.
FK: yeah it makes me sad
Me: what does your mom do?
FK: well she's the one that tells my dad. sometimes they fight.
Me: yeah, but does she try to stop him ever?
FK: no ... she's with him. like, when he goes to the closet where the belts are she doesn't say anything to him
Me: wow, i am so sorry. i wish i could help you out. that's not right what's going on.
FK: yeah ... i don't usually get black and blues though ... it just gets red
Me: you know, life gets better ... you go to high school and if you do well you go to ...
FK: i know you go to college and you get a job
Me: no, that's not what i was going to say. you go to high school and if you do really well you can go to college and then you get to move out of your house
FK: but i love my family
Me: yeah, but sometimes you need to get away from your family. like i did really well in high school and then i got to go to a college upstate in the mountains and there were trees and we got to go sledding
FK: wow
Me: yeah, so if you do well in school you can go to college and go sledding
FK: didn't you miss your family?
Me: not so much
FK: i'd miss my family
Me: well, you can always call them on the phone ... but sometimes its best not to live with them