another day of adventures for our favorite neighborhood librarian

woke up early this morning and thought to myself, "self ... why not actually get your lazy ass out of bed and do something with this extra time." so i did.

last night at my writing class everyone was oooohing and aaaaaahing over my novel, it was very affirming. but there were many comparisons to bridget jones' diary, which i guess is okay because bridget jones was a very successful book and i would be lucky to have that type of success, even though i fancy myself more edgy than that. anyway, as they were all making these comparisons i thought that maybe i should read this book so that i understand what they are talking about. then i thought better of reading it and decided i would just get the audiobook.

should this be difficult? procurring a well-known audiobook? shouldn't be difficult as i am a librarian and i currently work at a large library with one of the highest circulations in the country.

so i decide to use my early morning time to look up the book online, and when i see that they have it at Central i decide to take a little field trip over there. of course i first stop at the kurdish bodega for tea and organic poptarts and i drop off a choose your own adventure novel for their son. then i am off to central. yay!

i get to central with plenty o' time, and i walk past the security guard, showing him my ID badge. then i walk into the media center and i realize that no one is around. but i rationalize that it doesn't matter since the media center has self-checkout machines. so i find my audiobook on the shelf and walk it over the self-checkout machine, which is turned on and appears to be in working order. but when i get to the point where it asks for my PIN number it freezes up. so i try this a few times hoping that it will eventually work if i just do the same thing over and over again. it doesn't. then someone comes up to me and says that i can't check anything out before 10. then she tells me to "come back at 10" as if i am riffraff off the street who snuck into the library before it opened.

"i can't come back at ten," i tell her, "i have to be at my branch at 10. that's why i am here now."

she stands her ground that nothing can be checked out before 10. then i ask her if there is anyone in the building who can check this out to me. and she says, ever so helpfully, "no. come back at ten."

why can't something be checked out before 10? i am all for rules and regulations, if they make sense. for instance, the library bathrooms close 15 minutes before the library. good rule! don't try to sneak into our bathroom at 5:58 and make us all stay late because you need to do whatever nefarious things you are doing in our public bathroom. but who does it hurt if i check out an item at 9:20? this is a good thing! i am a librarian trying to use the library! but no, i am not allowed.

so i put the audiobook back and head over to my branch, a good 30 minutes early and audiobook free.

you might be wondering why we don't have this audiobook at my branch. well, i will tell you. our collection sucks. i am looking at our audiobook collection right now and i can tell you we have less than 60 audiobooks on the shelf. this is including both CDs and cassettes AND both fiction, non-fiction, and language CDs. it is pathetic.

now, being one of the highest circulating libraries in the country you would think that i could possibly request this item from another library and have it sent here, as we do with books. but no, we do not send media items. because back about 20 or so years ago when libraries first started stocking media items we handled them with kid gloves. oh don't put that VHS tape in the book drop! oh my, what would happen if we put a CD in a bin to be sent to another library?! it could be damaged! oh my! just keep it safe in the library and NO ONE TOUCH IT!

get over it people! this is 2008. you can put an audiobook in a van and send it over here. nothing will happen to it. except of course someone actually getting some use out of it, which i guess is unheard of.

can i TRY to keep the library in order? i don't know. seems like a tough job.

so i was informed that i could not lead my math bingo game today because ms. manager was leaving early and needed me to "be on the floor" because people from CENTRAL are coming. fine. no big deal. so i am mannnig the desk, my presence looming over everyone. then i get called away to help a child find a book. i probably should try to cut down on that, being a librarian and all. why should i be wasting so much time helping people get the books they need? so ms. manager finds me in the stacks with a young man who needed books on civil war weaponry, and she looks at me like she is really annoyed at me, as if i have somehow let her down.
"i'm leaving now," she says, very irritated to be speaking to me. "and the people from Central are coming soon. could you please try to keep the library neat."
oh yes, miss manager. i surely will try miss manager. i really do hope i can handle that level of responsibility, miss manager.
seriously, what does this woman think will happen? does she think that i will let in a gang of hooligans? maybe she imagines that i will allow a keg party in the teen area, much like the time i had a house party when my parents were out of town.
finally she leaves, and i do a sweep of the library. i mean, maybe the library is in a state of chaos and there is reason for her concern. of course, the library is perfectly fine. i push some chairs in for good measure, but the place is spic and span. not only that, it is fairly empty and rather quiet.
so when the higher-ups from central come in, they are very loud. they're chatting amongst themselves, patting themselves on the back for running things so well. and suddenly the library is very noisy and i think of how if ms. manager were here she would yell "hello?!" the charming way that she does and tell them to please be quiet. you know, if they were patrons and not uber important phoney higher-ups.

no more bicycles built for two

le sigh ... it is with great excitement that i bid a fond adieu to my current apartment and my cute little polish neighborhood. and of course i will especially miss the bucolic mcgolrick park, featured here in HBOs Flight of the Conchords. (wait for it ... it's SO worth it)

they like me, they really like me

"Are you waiting to make a dramatic entrance? Time is growing short to enter our second annual Staff Talent Show, which will be held on Tuesday, April 15. Performing artists of all kinds are welcome to showcase their talent for their co-workers. We have a table waiting for you - not for dinner, but to display your art or craft. Amaze and entertain your co-workers at the Talent Show!"


finally a chance for the awesomeness which is me to be recognized! maybe i could write a song about library-in-da-hood. or maybe i should knit some sort of tapestry which portrays the history of the struggles i have had with mean ms. manager. or maybe i should just sit in the back of the auditorium and make fun of everyone. or better yet, maybe i shouldn't go at all.

which came first? the book or the movie? THE BOOK, GOD DAMNIT! PICK IT UP AND READ IT!

i support teachers, i really do. they have a tough job. but sometimes they make it difficult for me to support them. are they trying to make enemies with me? for instance, they are always sending kids in the library for these crazy projects and they tell the kids "the librarian will have a book for you on this!" but they never bother to check if a) a book on this was ever actually written or b) whether or not the library owns said book. for instance, we do not own a book on how tools have affected society. we have books on tools, that show pictures of hammers and screw drivers and describe their uses (we also have books on simple machines and pulleys), but nothing that discusses how society has benefited from tools. do you really need a book on that? can't you just look at a building or a car or a computer or a well-hung shelf to understand the importance of tools? did the teacher even think about this assignment before sending kids off to the library?
and don't even get me started on their antiquated mandatory summer reading lists that contain god knows how many books that are out of print. OUT OF PRINT! do a little research people!
but i digress to the rant at hand ... yesterday the kids come in and they are all excited to tell me about the field trip they went on. where did they go, you ask? well, this is new york city so there is a wealth of educational places to take children to, many of which are free or cheap.
let me list a few, just in case you live in a cave or are from out of town: the museum of natural history, the metropolitan museum of art, the children's museum of manhattan, brooklyn children's museum, new york hall of science, any number of botanical gardens, etc etc.
did my kids go to any of these places on their field trip? no. did they go anywhere remotely educational? no. where did they go? where? they went to the freaking movies. now, i love the movies. i see lots o' movies. but are you telling me that you can't find a better activity for children to MISS SCHOOL for than a trip to the movies?!
well, maybe this isn't so bad. what movie did they see? maybe the movie was somehow educational? maybe it related to black history month somehow? not so. they saw the spiderwick chronicles. ok, i thought to myself, that is at least based on a popular series of children's books. i bet the teacher had them all read the book and then they went to the movie.
so i ask my favorite kid, "favorite kid ... did your teacher have your class read the book before seeing the movie?"
"what book?" my favorite kid asks.
groan. sigh. shed a single tear. "the book the spiderwick chronicles."
"oh," he says excitedly, "they made a book about the movie?"
"NO," i shout, jumping away from my desk to where my spiderwick chronicles book display is, "there is a whole series of books that were written a few years ago and then they were so popular that someone made it into a movie."
then i hand him a book and he looks at it in amazement, as if he has not been surrounded by books every day.
then i gave a quick list of movies that he would know that are actually based on books: the wizard of oz, charlie and the chocolate factory, holes, the chronicles of narnia, harry potter, etc.
"did you teacher even mention that the movie was based on a book?"
"no," he says.
"maybe you should take this book out and show it to her," i say with a little too much attitude. "teach her a thing or two."
grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

happy blood drive day!

today was the library's blood drive. yay! i am so weird, i actually really enjoy giving blood. i don't know why. maybe because everything is so sterile and neatly organized and there is a whole ritualistic procedure that the nurses follow. who knows.
this morning i went to Central bright and early, on library time of course. i made sure to wear something fab, but also conducive to blood donation. i settled on one of my new cutey tops from target and my brown dress pants. yes, i am in pants. shocking, i know. (have i ever mentioned how the kids have actually commented on the few days i have worn pants to the 'brary?) anyway, i was by far the best dressed library employee there.
of course, when i got there i saw mean ms. manager at the cookies and juice table. so i avoided eye contact and was able to fill out my forms without acknowledging her existence. then she was gone before they took me in. nice!
afterwards, i made sure my nurse gave me the special turqouise bandage so that it would coordinate with my colorful top. seriously, i am just a bright ray of sunshine wherever i go. and then i proceeded to drink about 4 juice boxes and eat 5 packets of cookies. it had to be done! then dear blog readers, i felt a little woozy. but i made it back to the branch just in time for my lunch hour and then i took a nap on the very uncomfortable couch-like thing in our break room. and now i am feeling a bit tired, but better, and of course i am three hours of comp time richer.

look it up, god damnit!

every month my assistant and i are expected to create a calendar of daily programs for the children. often we have no idea what we will do, so we wind up making up some non-descript program name, and then we immediately move on and forget about it. for instance, last month when creating the february calendar we had a conversation that went like this:
assistant: let's do something about words
me: ok
assistant: i saw some kids show on pbs about words and it was really good
me: what was it called?
assistant: i don't know, something catchy like "word up," but it wasn't called that. it was called something else.
me: i'll put Word Up on the calendar and we'll figure it out later.
and that my dear blog readers is how amazing library programs are made. so today we had Word Up, which my assistant and i had failed to plan until about 3 pm today. the planning went something like this:
assistant: what are we doing today miss dewey decimal?
me: today is Word Up
assistant: oh man, we forgot to plan that
me: yeah, i know
assistant: i wish we could do something that teaches them how to use a dictionary. these kids can't look up anything, it's pathetic
this is very true. whenever the kids annoy me, asking me for the definition of a word, i always make them look it up (my mom did this to me and it was very irritating at the time, but now i am a better person for it). anyway, it takes them years to find anything in the dictionary.
me: (having stroke of genius) how about we have dictionary races! i'll give them a word and they can see who can look it up fastest!
and that is what we did. we had 8 kids, each with their own dictionary, racing to look up words like: sterilize, reign, convince, agreement, etc. and when they found the word they would read the definition aloud. you would think this might be a lame activity, but man do these kids like to compete at stuff. they will truly compete at anything. anything. so i printed up 25 words on separate pieces of paper and when i held each one up the kids would flip through the dictionary like mad trying to find the word first. there was one girl who was really good, she won so many rounds i eventually had to let the kids compete for second place each round. then there were two kids who were pretty good. but the other 5 were terrible. they barely understood the concept of alphabetical order. and the kid who hates hoboes barely even tried. apparently he hates the lexicon as well as hoboes.
anyway, the two top winners got star pins that light up. ooooh, exciting.
afterwards several kids said they felt like they got better at looking up stuff. so i think it was a very successful program and we may do it again in the future. what is the moral of the story?
1. i am a friggin' genius. i totally rule.
2. the dictionary is your friend

footloose and fancy freelance

you may be asking yourself, "self ... i wonder ... how did miss dewey decimal's job interview go today? the one at the fancy pants television network?" so if you are in fact wondering that, then you may want to read on ...
first, i was so neurotic about getting there on time that i left a full hour early. even after parking my car in a very overpriced garage, i still had about 30 minutes to spare. so i decided to scope out the nabe for places in which i could eat lunch after i invariably got the job. turns out there are a variety of fine eateries in the area: hale & hearty soups, soup man, cosi (with free wifi!), etc. after about 15 minutes of wandering around i decided to just go inside.
they have doormen at the fancy pants television network! and they are so nice. they were very concerned about me getting the job and gave me many heartfelt words of encouragement. then there was some positive re0inforcement when i mentioned that i felt the picture they took of me for my temporary ID pass wasn't as flattering as i would have liked. they assured me that in the scheme of temporary ID passes, my picture was lovely and i should not bother re-taking it.
while i was waiting in the waiting area for my interviewer, i saw all these gold statuette awards hanging about. and when i say "hanging about" i mean, prominently on display. i kind of wanted to sneak one into my purse, but in the end i thought better of it.
the interview went very well. i could tell the guy was very impressed by little ol' me. the one drawback is that if offered this job i will be considered a "freelance" employee, and will be taking a significant cut in pay and in benefits (what gives, fancy pants television network?!) then my interviewer asked if i would be interested in working at their main library in connecticut, where i could get a higher paying job with more power and prestige. unfortunately, i really don't feel like going to connecticut every day. or ever, for that matter. i could easily go my whole life without visiting connecticut and it would be okay by me. anyhoo, i told him i am still very interested in the job even though the pay and benefits situation leaves much to be desired. he said that he will be making his decision in the next few days. i'd be pretty surprised if he didn't offer it to me.
i have two school library job interviews next week, but i am feeling like i want this job. despite it's fallbacks. it could be a big opportunity for me, leading to other things, opening doors, etc. i think i can make it work. MAKE IT WORK PEOPLE!

dogs in stereo

have i mentioned that techno asshole has a dog? and that sometimes this dog barks at all hours of the day? and that this barking is very loud? well this morning i was awoken to the sound of not one but two dogs barking. there's the regular dog, and now there's an extra high pitched dog joining in.
i am moving in 8 days.

not your average grown-up

i have a very nice chair at my desk. it's pink and it swivels. it is also OSHA compliant and has lumbar support. but this is not about my fabulous chair. last night as we were getting ready to pack it up and the lights were set to get-the-hell-out-of-here dim, my favorite kid and one of his friends were trying to finish up their homework. i went over to them and told them we were closing soon then returned to my desk. and i don't know why, maybe because i was restless and ready to leave, but i knelt on my chair and started doing chair twists. you know, when you swivel your chair one way but you kind of rotate your body the other way. it's fun and you get a good stretch out of it. anyway, after a few revolutions in my chair i realized that my favorite kid and his little friend were watching me in awe. so then i stopped and pretended like i was embarrassed to be caught playing in my chair.
"miss dewey decimal," my favorite kid said, "i've never seen a grown up do that."
"well," i said, "i'm not your average grown up." which is true. sometimes i am barely a grown up at all.
"it's okay," my favorite kid assured me. "that's fun to do. i have a chair like that at home and i do the same thing."

snow day!

la la la, drove through the snow and over the river and through the woods to library-in-the-hood this morning. what? did you think that they'd close the library due to inclement weather?! never! they will keep the library open and pay for utilities and part-timers' salaries and only 5 patrons will come in, but god damnit we stayed open!

anyhoo, i had a nice morning where i bought the non-organic poptarts (the ones with the pink frosting ... yummmm, frosting) and had my cup of tea and cleaned off my car. then when i put my iPod on shuffle in the car "Good Enough" by Dodgy came on. it's this very happy upbeat almost gay brit-pop song that was a one hit wonder when i lived in england. i hadn't heard it in forever and it made me happy.

then ... when i got to the library i found out that the senior clerk isn't coming in until after lunch because of a meeting, which means i only have ONE AFTERNOON left with her. YAY! so then in her absence i had to do the money, but i was able to do it even though they refused to train me. how was i able to do it you ask? because i am not an idiot. that's how.

so now i am here with not much to do but watch the snow fall on the ghetto. ahhhhh.

p.s. has anyone noticed how i am now incorporating book covers in my postings? it's not easy you know, finding appropriate books. i hope you guys appreciate this bit of cleverness.

hangman and mp4 players

i have discovered that my children love playing hangman. i don't know why i've been trying so hard with planning programs. all they want to do is play hangman.
anyway, the other day the kid who hates hoboes came in and told me that it was his birthday over the weekend. then he proudly showed me what looked like an iPod, and i said, "oooh, did you get an iPod?"
and he said, "no, i got an mp4 player."
"um, kid who hates hoboes ... it's an mp3 player."
"no," he said, "this is an mp4 player."
"i'm pretty sure there's no such thing as an mp4 player."
well, let's just agree to disagree. shall we?
so then he discovered that he can record sound on the mp3 player, which is kind of exciting. i don't think i can do that on my iPod. maybe that's where the 4 comes in.
moving on ... then we played hangman. now, the kids love playing hangman, but they are not actually good at it. they guess the craziest letters like Q and Z and J. and often there is only one or two letters left and they can't guess it. i've been trying to encourage them to sound it out and leave a space where the missing letter is. but they don't like this idea. too much work. the whole thing is ridiculous. anyway, this last time we were playing they were starting to actually think and sound out the words and figure it out. yay!
so then on our last word, my favorite kid was able to figure it out and there weren't even all that many letters on the board yet. well, we all rallied around him praising him for his excellent powers of deduction. but then, and this is the best part, the kid who hates hoboes decided to interview my favorite kid about his hangman achievement, and record it on his mp3 player. it went something like this:
KWHH: so Favorite Kid, how did you feel when you solved the last hangman?
FK: it was good
KWHH: yeah, but how did you feel?
FK: well, it felt good i guess. like i felt proud. and everyone was happy for me.
then they kept replaying the interview and making people listen to it. it was possibly the cutest thing ever.

don't you love me anymore?

so it appears that from yesterday to today i went from having 28 subscribed readers to 14 subscribed readers. how can this be? did half of my subscribed devotees drop out overnight? i can only assume that it is an error with feedburner. but i won't lie to you, i feel a bit hurt ... the sting of rejection stings stingily.

the break-up of the gruesome twosome

i am so happy today! today is a good day! why? why i am so happy today? is it because i have two job interviews coming up? maybe. is it because next week i will be moving into a fabulous new apartment? possibly. is it because i have made it to the middle of chapter two of my novel? could be. but, my dear blog readers, the real reason i am so very very happy today is because today is the glorious day that i found out that the senior clerk will be leaving for FOUR MONTHS! blah blah blah she's on a committee and will be training people on a new ILS system. SHE'LL BE GONE FOR FOUR MONTHS! AT LEAST! (one must assume that everything actually takes longer than originally expected) when does this bless-ed period of senior-clerk-free-ness begin? when?! MONDAY! YES THIS MONDAY! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! ohmygod! i am so excited. and of course ms. manager brought us in for a solemn meeting about how we all must pull together and pick up the slack in her absence and she almost shed a single tear that her mean little partner in crime would be leaving her. HA! team work. we'll see about that.

benefits ... and i don't mean dental

this month, in addition to getting tickets to the museum of natural history (which no one can use) we also got tickets to the ringling bros circus (which no one can use). so i decided i would offer a few tickets to my devoted page, figuring that maybe she would like to go with one of her friends. she was very excited about it. turns out she loves the circus. who knew? then she asked me, "do you think a guy would like to go to the circus?" how would i know? i am clueless in the ways of the man.

"why?" i ask. "do you have a boyfriend?"

"well," she says, "not exactly. we're friends .... with benefits."

now, i don't remember if she asked my opinion or if i just offered it up, but i told her that friends with benefits is a dangerous thing.

"why?" she asks.

"well," i say, "there's always one person that wants something more. and then that person inevitably gets hurt."

"yeah," she says, sighing. "i do kind of want us to be in a relationship."

then she tells me about how this guy was in a long term relationship for a few years and now he is single but with "trust issues." and suddenly i feel like i am one of the writers of He's Just Not That Into You, which i think i will recommend to her later.

"well," i say, "you have to think about you and what you want."

"so you think i need to talk to him."

"well, if you want a relationship you should tell him that."

"but i don't want him to just be in a relationship because i pressured him."

aaaaah, the old "pressure" line.

"everyone has the power to make their own decisions. it's not about pressure. you should tell him what you want. and if he wants to be in a relationship with you then he'll say that. if he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship then you can decide what you want to do."

do you see the wisdom i am laying down here?

"well, i'm just hoping that when he's ready this will turn into a relationship."

"that never happens."

"never?"

"i've never heard of that happening."

"why not?"

"well," i say, "and i hate to say this because it's something my mom says to me. but why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

then she just nodded.

i mean, have you heard of anyone buying the cow after a benefits deal? i've never heard of a friends with benefits situation turning into a legitimate relationship. i've done the friend crossover. you know, where you take someone who is your friend and then you admit to them that you have a secret crush on them and then they admit that they have a secret crush on you and then you wind up dating. one time i did that and the relationship lasted a year. the other time i tried i was totally shot down. flat out rejected. sounds impossible. "who would reject you, miss dewey decimal?!" you're thinking to yourselves, but alas it's true.

then she asks me if I have ever been in a benefits situation and did I get hurt. so i admitted that one time i was in a benefits situation where i was the one who got hurt and there was another time that i was in one and the other person got hurt. my page is always asking alot of prodding type personal questions.

so then my page says to me, "i just like the benefits situation because there's less heartache."

"well," i say, "that's how these things start out, but they usually end in heartache for someone. that's kind of my point."

and then i went off to work, feeling good that i am the adult telling it like it is, helping out the youth and whatnot. seriously, i am so valuable to this library i can't even tell you.

i could not, would not, in qatar

i arrived this morning, ten minutes early, with the newspapers (it's my week to do the papers again. my god, the pressure. i hope i can perform), only to find out that my kindergarden class cancelled on me. something about it being too cold and it's actually illegal to make small children walk outside in this weather. i'm a little relieved because i wasn't in the mood for them. next week i have the 2 and 3 year olds coming, must prepare!

anyway, the big news today is that last night i got a call from a very reputable television network that is interesting in meeting little old me to be one of their librarians. yay! that makes two job interviews that i have coming up!
so i'm feeling pretty good about that. then, when i checked my email i got an email from monster.com saying that they found a job prospect for me. well, who can argue with monster.com?! i'm sure they know what's best for me. so i read the e-mail and it is for this job at cornell. don't get excited! that's what they want you to do! i have seen this job listed for almost a year now. why? (stop me if you've heard this one) because if you read the fine print you will see that this job is not at the cornell campus here in gotham. nor is it for the cornell campus upstate. oh no, this job is in qatar! but they don't tell you that right away. you have to read the entire job description and list of necessary qualifications and then finally at the end, just a little aside, oh by the way we forgot to mention, hope it isn't an inconveniece, this job is in qatar! yeah, i think i'll stick to my own job searches thankyou.

my head is full of stupid songs

today i had the much dreaded mother goose training part two. it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but i got the distinct feeling that i am the only children's librarian who dislikes small children. the leader of this training gave out candy to us as a reward for us coming back. i did not know i had the option to not come back. what's up with that? but i did my little presentation like a trooper and sang my little songs and read my little book. thank god it is over.

tomorrow i have a class full of kindergardeners coming in, but that isn't so bad. they're old enough to know what's up. they're wise in the way of the world, unlike these infants and toddlers who want sing songy mother goosey stuff.
and now, dear blog readers, because of this annoying meeting i went to this morning, i have several stupid songs stuck in my head. let me share them with you, so that i may spread the joy.

the more we get together:
the more we get together, together together

the more we get together the happier we'll be

because my friends are your friends and your friends are my friends

the more we get together the happier we'll be

and the good morning song:

good morning, good morning

good morning to you

my name is miss dewey decimal

how do you do?

(then you go around and everyone says their name)

can you imagine me singing these? seriously, i am way too jaded for this.

i just realized i promised to sing a good morning song to one of my friends this weekend. oops. i hope he's not too disappointed.

ok, i lied

i know i just said i was going to go back to writing my novel, but instead i checked out the stats for the blog, which i check daily. and it turns out earlier today there was a hit from someone in israel. well, i am very thrilled that the readership of this blog has finally expanded out of north america (although we do have a reader in australia, but i know him so it doesn't count). person from israel, i salute you. and i hope you enjoy reading this blog.

not writing my novel: a daily activity

oh, why oh why am i not writing my novel? anyway, i am in starbucks yet again . verb, brooklyn label AND greenpoint coffeeshop were all packed. what gives? i SO wanted to go to verb and get the organic oatmeal (served with raisins, brown sugar, honey and steamed milk. yummm) but it was filled with a bunch of pretentious hipsters all sitting with their laptops ... oh wait, nevermind. anyway, i was so hungry searching for a place to sit and eat and write that i went to christina's and had some pierogies. and now i am sitting at the counter of starbucks, which is a place i hate out of principal yet find myself hanging out at more and more. damned them and their little green aprons! i wrote about a paragraph of my novel and now i am playing around on the internet thanks to their overpriced wifi that i cannot resist paying $9.99 for. but it's good for 24 hours! maybe i'll come back here after boot camp! must keep up the svelteness! i weighed in this morning at 133! woohoo! svelte ... so svelte.
ok ... will go back to writing my novel now. i swear.

asking for too much

really ... who was i kidding? did i think i could have a nice weekend and be in a better general mood and also get to sleep in? that is asking for too much! obviously i cannot get all of those things out of life at the same time! that is why i had to, had to be awakened at 8:45 this morning by the grumbling vibrations of techno music. happy president's day.

i'm so bored ... where is my saturday entertainment? (aka the kid who hates hoboes)

urgh, let me out of here. i was so good today. i finished my book order. i didn't just sit around checking my email every three minutes. although i did that too. just in addition to that i also finished my book order. then the kid who hates hoboes came in and kept me company for a little while. he's been taking out lots of DVDs because he finally finished reading down his fines. and i've been warning him, "kid who hates hoboes," i say, "be careful taking out all those DVDs or else you'll get more late fees and you won't be able to use your newly re-gained library card." but what happens? he returns all his DVDs late this week and now he owes $22. so sad. so i had him read a book to me. it was about a girl who lets all these animals into the library. it was pretty good. then i was going to have him read me a second book so that he could earn more money, but his father came in. or i thought it was his father. it could have been his uncle. anyway, his older male relative came in and started yelling at him and telling him that they had to leave. there was some talk that made me think it was a custody issue, but i really don't know. so then the kid who hates hoboes skulked off and i told him that i would give him his dollar coupon later. but the worst part is that he missed the ray charles thing that happened this afternoon and he had been looking forward to that for weeks. i mean sure, he would have been in a room surrounded by at least 60 senior citizens, but i think he would have been able to hang. he's very charismatic. poor kid who hates hoboes.

my bodega dreams ... broken

here i am, yet again, at the 'brary on a saturday. woe is me. woe is definitely me. le sigh. this morning i went to my favorite bodega for my morning ritual of tea and organic pop tarts (when will i buy more soy milk so i can go back to eating cheerios?) and you will never believe what happened when i got there ... the bodega was closed! i was appalled! and they left their flat screen TV on playing their strange shows in arabic. so of course i stood in front of the locked door for a while peering in, wondering when the nice kurdish couple might appear. then i even knocked on the door, thinking that if they were in the back of the store they might let me in. you know, since we're so tight and all. but alas, nothing. then i had to go to some other lesser bodega for my morning needs. oh, it was terrible. and then i was almost late, but luckily i rolled in exactly at 9:30, so no one can complain.

today we will be having a program for the adults in which some musicians will be here performing motown hits. yay! motown hits! i hope the kid who hates hoboes shows up he entertains me on saturdays sometimes. and he loves ray charles.


oh and yesterday's hopping for heart program went really well. the kids LOVED it. they learned about cardiovascular exercise. can you say car-dio-vas-cu-lar? and they did stretches and jumped rope and complained of dehydration then jumped rope more then fell down exhausted. they really loved it. they were all smiling and goofing around and being happy kids. and then i showed off some of my jump roping skillz. that's right, skills with a Z! i did crosses, school yard step ... i was going to do running crosses but i was wearing one of my new banana republic dresses and i wasn't jumping as well as usual. if only we had played skip tag. it turns out, i am an AMAZING skipper. i can skip so fast it'll make your head spin. and i can change directions on a dime. A DIME! who knew?

hopping for heart

today is a very special day. today is hopping for heart day! yay! that is right! i lured punk rope creator, tim haft, to library-in-the-hood to do a special jump rope program with the kids. it's going to be so fun. i can't wait. i am so bored and restless with anticipation of this program! when will it be 4 o'clock?! when?!

anyway, the kids are super excited. every day they ask me, "when is hopping for the heart, ms. dewey decimal? is it today?" and i say "quit asking me that! look at the calendar and figure it out!" see? i've taught the kids how to read a calendar. i'm so good.

what is also exciting about this program is that it is a "trial" program. meaning that i found this fantastic program and the head of afterschool activities will be visiting from Central to observe it. AND, if she likes it she will book MORE punk rope programs. and it will all be because of me ME ME! ohmygod, i am such a trendy trendsetter.

paying it forward

i think i may have mentioned how much i love the kurdish people who run my local bodega. they have this son who is about 10 and sometimes he works the counter. he's a very bright child. very chatty. often he works at inappropriate hours, like 11 pm. but whatevs. the other day i came in and he looked at me all wide-eyed and he asked "you work in a library, right?"

"why yes," i said, surprised that i am now a local celebrity.

"maybe you can get a book for me"

"well," i explained, "my library is kind of far from here." really i could easily get him a book, i just don't trust anyone to return library items to me. i've been burned before. "what book are you interested in?"

"well," he began, "i don't know the title. but it's an adventure book. like action? but it's my adventure."

"you mean choose your own adventure?!" i exclaimed. "those are good." and then we had a lovely little chat about books and i pretty much told him that if any books mysteriously fall off a book truck they'll be his. i also suggested he visit the greenpoint library, but then he complained that they're never open. which is totally true. their hours suck. get it together greenpoint library!

now, one service we have here at the 'brary is that we give out these "explore the universe" passes to the museum of natural history. these passes get in one family of up to 6 people for FREE! (you must have children with you, so don't get any ideas) i always have a stash of these passes handy, but my kids can never use them. unfortunately, getting an adult to take them into manhattan to an educational institution is a very far-fetched scheme. at other libraries they are hot ticket items that people fight in the streets for. but here the passes just sit in my desk drawer collecting dust, waiting for the day that someone can actually use them. so sad, shed a single tear for the children of library-in-the-hood.

i took one of these passes and i gave it to the kurdish woman at the bodega this morning as i was getting my large tea and organic pop tarts. i have not yet told them that i am moving. i will miss them so much. so i go to the counter and present her with the pass and i try to explain what it is. sadly, her english isn't that great and i didn't think she was understanding what i was saying. so finally i just said, "its a really big museum in manhattan. your son will like it. they have dinosaur bones."

then she said something in broken english, i think it was that her son liked talking to me. then i said, "he's a smart kid." and i left.

p.s. just as a side note, yesterday morning the kurdish man offered me a job at the bodega. saying that i am very nice and they could use someone like me. i said i would keep it in mind if my current job doesn't work out. then he told me that i am very beautiful. and that, in fact, all jewish women are very beautiful. man, i am really going to miss this place.

happy valentine's day

even though one might describe my romantic life as being "in shambles" i still take a sadistic enjoyment in valentine's day. this afternoon we will be making these "heart in hand" valentines. but i figured i would try making a few practice models first. those of you lucky blog readers who know me in real life might find yourselves the recipient of one of these bad boys. please notice that i made one for the guys who run the vegetarian spiritualist luncheonette which i frequent daily. yup, that's the kind of sweet gal i am. and then i figured out how to arrange the fingers so they are signing "i love you." but then i made one for my friends who are in a band, and i made it so their hand is making the devil horns. so my dear blog readers, rock on this valentine's day, rock on.

two questions

blogger users:
1. why is it that the spell check button no longer works? i am checking my own spelling like a sucker.
2. how do i make my pictures smaller so that when you click on them they are not enormous?

i am so YA it's painful

so i spent this morning preparing for part two of my mother goose workshop. grrrrrrr. it took me forever to find an appropriate book. in fact, i don't even know if it is an appropriate book. i just gave up looking. and while i was perusing a book about storytimes and fingerplays and sing songy nonesense, i came across several songs and clapping games about loving each other and hugging and being a happy family. i seriously almost threw up in my mouth. i am so not cut out for small children. i am a young adult librarian! hear me roar! i can work with tweens. i can even have large amounts of success working with grade schoolers. but i cannot handle infants. don't make me do it. please. i promise you it will not turn out well.

irony

here's an email i got from my landlord regarding my complaints about techno asshole:
Hi,
I’ve spoken to your downstairs neighbor about the loud music; he said he will take it into consideration and not play so loud music but he said I should attention to you that you shouldn’t make loud noise at night. Please be aware that making loud noise is not permitted.
Thank you,
Waterfront Management

please note three things:
1. he will only "take it into consideration" to not be the most inconsiderate asshole on the planet
2. we have "waterfront" management, yet we are in no way near water. in fact we have a view of the BQE on-ramp
3. apparently, i make "loud noise at night." get your mind out of the gutter. trust me, there's none of that going on in this apartment. not in the slightest.
4. i am still in starbucks not working on my novel (okay, that's 4 things)

what am i doing RIGHT NOW?

sitting in starbucks, not writing my novel. that's what.

i signed my lease!!!

this is a view of what will soon be my street! although this isn't really my street, you have to walk to the end of my block and then this is on the next block. but you can see the cool smoke stack from my new place! so said smokestack building was once a hospital, but now is a housing development (please read: project) which may be turned into condos. anyhoo, my roommate and i will soon be retiring our kicks on that very power line. ahhhhhh.

i have an interview!

just had to get that off my chest ... off to study some children's books so that i may present myself as a legitimate children's librarian.

honoring white men in honor of black history month

now, i hate to make fun of the kids. well ... okay, that's not entirely true. but i do feel a little bad sometimes because most of them are trying and it's not their fault that they aren't getting a proper education. so the other day we did something for black history month in which the kids had to "brainstorm" all the african americans they admire (brief pause to define the word admire) and then draw a picture of said african american and then write a couple of sentences about them. pretty good, right? and i made a rule that you couldn't pick martin luther king, since we just did a whole bunch of stuff on him for martin luther king day. the brainstorming went a little something like this:
me: ok kids! who can name some african americans they admire?
kids: martin luther king!
me: i already said we aren't picking martin luther king.
kids: george washington!
me: george washinton wasn't black. does anyone know what george washington's job was?
kids: he was president!
me: have we had a black president yet?
kids: no!
me: so can george washington be black? (see how i am teaching them the powers of deduction and reasoning? this is a logic proof waiting to happen)
kids: i guess not
me: ok, name someone else
(and then we have some kids shout out legitimate answers like harriet tubman and rosa parks and langston hughes and barack obama)
kids: thomas jefferson!
me: again, not black. what was thomas jefferson's job?
kids: he was president!
me: have we ever had a black president?
kids: no!
me: so? can thomas jefferson be black then?
kids: no.
me: okay, who else?
kids: abraham lincoln!
me: what was abraham lincoln's job?
kids: he freed slaves!
me: and?
kids: he was president!
me: remember what i said about us not having a black president yet?
kids: oh ... yeah.
me: who else?
kids: martin luther king!
me: we're not talking about martin luther king anymore!
i think you can see where this is going. but finally they all picked an african american to write about and they all drew pictures and i made a fabulous display and everything was peachy keen. then friday we played black history month trivia in which i asked the kids trivia questions about famous black people. duh, obvious from the title of the game. so we play and they do pretty well. one girl actually knew who thurgood marshall was. i was very impressed.
anyway. at the end of the game one girl comes up to me and asks, "ms. dewey decimal, how come you didn't have any questions about abraham lincoln? he's a famous african american."
"what does abraham lincoln look like?" i ask. "picture him! he's got the beard and the tall hat! he is a white man! the whitest white man!"
grrrrrrrr.

goodmorning brooklyn

its good when you wake up and you don't feel like you're going to kill someone. as opposed to saturday morning when my downstairs neighbor, techno asshole, woke me up at 9:30 am with his god awful techno music. which of course led me to go downstairs and bang on his door so hard that i gave myself black and blues on the sides of my hands. i didn't think our little chat did any good, but lo and behold this morning i have been techno free. ahhhhhhhh. i slept until 11:20! thank god. and now i am filled with a feeling of restfulness and relaxation and i do not have the urge to punch anyone's door down. but please know, that if you hear any stories in the news of a girl in her late twenties who shows up to her neighbor's door with pink boxing gloves on and pummels him within inches of his life ... that will be me. but not on this glorious morning. anyway, i believe it is now time for me to get up so i can clean my room, write some novels, sign some leases, and go to a brunch party.

dear god, no!!!!

i just got a call from a local daycare center. they often bring classes of 4 or 5 year-olds. but today they called and said they wanted to bring over 16, SIXTEEN, 2 and 3 year-olds. oh god! i'm totally going to have to sing a hello song. grrrrrrrr.

gruesome twosome

there's this episode of the simpsons where homer goes into the Quik E Mart and apu notices he is looking kind of sad. when asked what's wrong homer says something like, "my wife's sisters are in town ... or as i like to call them the gruesome twosome."
and i don't know why but that phrase just sticks out in my head ... gruesome twosome. the manager is off today so i am in charge, even though the senior clerk is here! ha ha ha ha ha!

thousands locked in libraries ... but not on my watch

the other day mr. higher-up-man came to my branch and was speaking to ms. manager behind closed doors. i immediately thought he was reprimanding her for being so mean to me. but it turns out that he was instead laying down some new rules.

ms. manager came up to me today and told me that from now on, i need to close up the library on evenings that i am "in charge." now, when i worked at hell's library they had a very similar policy and i wound up closing the library several times a week. no big deal. but i hardly ever close the library here. why? because they do not trust me due to my extreme incompetance. so pretty much if the manager, the senior clerk AND the community service specialist aren't here then i am in charge of closing the library (even though the community service specialist is below me). just so you know, that only leaves a lower-level clerk, two part timers, two teen pages, and the custodian. i'm sure they'd pick one of the teens over me if they could.

anyway, so ms. manager gave me a stern warning that i absolutely must make sure not to lock anyone in the library while i am in charge. really? no shit. don't trap innocent patrons in the library overnight? well, now i've heard everything. then she goes on to tell me that if i lock someone in the library i will immediately be put on probation. AND if i lock someone in the library TWICE i will immediately be fired.

how many people are being locked in libraries? is this a recurring problem? this building isn't even that big. seriously, if i lock someone in this library even once not only do i completely deserve to be fired, but i will have serious doubts about whether or not i should be allowed out in public at all.

but the plot thickens! after i assure her that i will not lock anyone in the library (more out of my own concern for other human beings than out of a fear of being fired), she walks off. then i start to wonder when exactly i am considered "in charge." so i go over and ask her and it turns out ... get this ... they have been misleading me the entire time! i am not third in command of this library! i am second in command! i am above the senior clerk! if the manager is not here then I AM IN CHARGE OF THE BUILDING! but that seemed to slip their minds. ooops, how convenient that you forgot to mention that to me. so the whole time i have been working here the senior clerk has been acting like she is my supervisor and she is in charge when in fact I AM ABOVE HER! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! oh man, i am totally going to play this up for all it's worth.

happy anniversary

did you know, beloved blog readers, that today is the one year anniversary of this fabulous fabulous blog which i write? well it is! and there shall be much rejoicing! if you are a new reader, might i suggest going back and catching up on all 300+ posts that i have written. each one is like a little ball of sunshine.
yesterday i was hanging out with the kids and they were doing their crazy-kids-in-the-ghetto schtick, and i was thinking that i really love working with them and i consider them to be "my kids" in a way. and for a second i kind of blocked out all the administrative bullshit that i deal with and i thought to myself that this job isn't so bad and why on earth would i ever look for a new job.
but then i come in today and my friend tells me that ms. manager was grilling her about what happened yesterday. "what did happen yesterday?" i asked her, since i didn't think anything all that dramatic happened.
"oh," she said, "you know. when you had your program yesterday and those kids were acting up."
so here is what really happened. we had a woman come in yesterday and do a program of african american stories and songs. it was very nice. but for some reason the community liason woman decided to force some kids to attend. first off, this isn't school and we shouldn't be forcing anyone to do anything. but she forced these "bad kids" to attend the program and lo and behold what did they do in the program? they acted badly. whoa! never would have seen that one coming! but they were just acting up a bit and we yelled at them and then they stopped. no big deal.
so why is ms. manager asking my friend about it? it was my program. i was there the entire time. i was supervising. and it's this type of bullshit that drives me crazy. if you have a problem with me or my work here, tell ME! discuss it with ME!
so in conclusion ... love the kids, hate the management. anyone want to offer me a job?

i am not cute

okay, we all know this is a lie. dare i say, i am damned cute. i was just trying to get your attention. but here's what i meant by it ...

yesterday i went to a "mother goose training" in which a bunch of librarians are taught how to do storytimes for children under the age of two. it was all about singing songs and reciting rhymes and doing fingerplays and yada yada yada. now, i LOVE working with the kids i work with. most of them are ages eight to eleven. sometimes i will get the stray six or seven year old, but children under two?! i don't think so. i don't translate well to the under two crowd. with four and five year olds i can fake it, they kind of dig my cynicism. it seems amusing to them. but this? oh no.

so the leader of this training was going through a "sample" program, showing us how to do all this. first there was a "hello song." and i can honestly say, you lost me at hello. so all of a sudden a room full of librarians are singing a song about saying hello. then we do a bunch of fingerplays pretending we are holding our babies. we also had to give names to our fictitious babies during the hello song. i was going to name my baby joshua, but then the girl ahead of me stole that name and i had to settle for george at the last second. grrrr.

anyway! this whole process was very painful for me and i was wincing the entire time and the only thing that got me through it was the knowledge that no mothers would ever be bringing their small children to library-in-the-hood. so that was a relief. but then ... oh, then ... then the bomb was dropped on me ....

in two weeks we have "mother goose training part 2," apparently three hours of this is not enough. and in two weeks i must present my OWN mother goose program to the group. grrrrrr. i really despise the idea of being all sing-songy and cute and fake in front of a bunch of small children. but what is worse than that is being all sing-songy and cute and fake in front of a bunch of librarians pretending to be children.

how can i escape this terrible fate?

don't piss on my head and call it "east williamsburg"

there is a little real estate phenomenon in my area called "east williamsburg." what could be confusing about this? there is williamsburg and then there is the eastern portion of williamsburg known as east williamsburg. oh, not so! you see, everyone wants to live in williamsburg, so now what happens is that people try to convince newcomers who don't know the area that bushwick (williamsburg's slummy neighbor) is actually "east williamsburg." east williamsburg could go on until queens as far as realtors are concerned. one day soon you'll be at the beach in montauk and overhear someone saying, "i had no idea they had a lighthouse here in east williamsburg." (get it? because montauk is far out east)
anyway, last night we were meeting with a realtor and he said the dreaded words, "east williamsburg." so i asked, "you mean bushwick?" and he was all no no no, its east williamsburg! i swear! its at the montrose stop!"
"dude!" i exclaimed with a bit too much attitude, possibly frightening my roommate, "that is totally bushwick! i'm not paying $2500 to live in @%#&ing bushwick!" (i'm not paying $2500 to live anywhere)
"oh no," he said, "bushwick doesn't start until at least the jefferson stop."
"jefferson?!," i said cleverly, "ha!"
anyway, then he showed us an apartment that is actually in williamsburg proper (possibly the western most part of "east williamsburg," but i'm not quite sure. but it's a few short blocks away from the graham stop, so i am satisfied geographically). this place is AWESOME! its huge! HUGE! expensive, but HUGE! (not as expensive as that bullshit place in bushwick). so we are on our way, getting our papers together, busting open our piggy banks. miss roommate and i are already planning our first party. i think it will be black tie. and we'll serve metropolitans.

vote for obama

sadly, i will not be voting today because i did not get my act together in time to change my registration from independent to democrat. i also didn't get it together enough to figure out where it is i am registered to vote. but please, vote for my man obama. and if you were thinking of not voting maybe you could go vote for him on my behalf. thanks. i really appreciate it.
but what i really wanted to rant to you about right now is that the african american jew (aka the sexual predator) sent me a mass email today telling me to vote for obama. can you believe him!? you molest me via IM, then you accuse me of god knows what, and now you want to know my political beliefs. so i sent him an email with just one line "please take me off your email list." i would have cursed him out but mr. katz says he thinks i need to learn to "just walk away" from conflicts. so then AAJ writes back "will do!" like nothing happened. grrrrrrrr. hate him. grrrrrrrrrr.

black history month

i am really feeling lazy today, which i think is pretty typical of saturdays. in an attempt to do something constructive with my time i created this fabulous black history month bulletin board. i have to say, i am very proud of it. it's a bit controversial too. overall my theme is one of rising up against oppression and the ultimate power of the people. please notice that there is a picture of my man obama and i've placed him next to a picture of someone who has painted himself in "white face" with the word "vote" on his forehead. this is my subtle message that you should vote for obama. also, i threw in a picture of huey newton and the black panthers. i am such a radical. seriously, i feel empowered just looking at this display.
(p.s. i didn't want to put in that picture of oprah but the kid who doesn't like hoboes asked me to and how can i resist him?)

those pesky kids and our miniscule chairs

when we opened today at 10 am, a mother came in with four kids. she said she wanted her son to read down his fines. turns out he owes about $70. so i got them all set up and she said to the oldest kid who is probably in 5th or 6th grade that he needed to watch them and make sure they behave. now, i often see mothers leaving their kids here. and usually they are even younger than these kids. sometimes they are as young as 6 or 7. so i am not too bothered by these kids being left here, as this situation is better than most drop off situations i encounter.
so one kid asks me for books on martin luther king, another asks for easy books (he is in second grade but not really reading up to his level) and the youngest kid asks for books on motorcycles. they are very well-mannered children, saying their pleases and thankyous. the youngest kid said that these were the best books on motorcycles ever.
so they take their books and they sit at one of the adult tables. please note that there are no adults in the adult area at this time.
within a few minutes the head clerk has sent over my nice friend to kick the children out of the adult area. now, these kids were not being loud or disruptive or anything. they weren't even talking to each other. they were all reading. but according to the head clerk they are not allowed to be in the adult area. they can only be in the children's room. i am pretty sure this is not a real rule. maybe they didn't want to sit on our miniscule chairs (shown above. please note that the chairs can actually fit under the table)
so the children are then banished to the children's room and our miniscule chairs for no reason. they continue to read quietly, then a few of them ask me for crayons. this is all typical stuff. not a problem.
so the head clerk comes up to me and asks me where their mother is. i say she left. then she starts saying how we are not a babysitting service and that kids can't be left here. so i say, "but kids are left here all the time." then she explains that it is somehow ok to abandon your child here on weekdays, but leaving your child here on a saturday is a no-no. "but they are sitting quietly reading," i tell her, "and they're older." (i had an instance recently with a kindergartener being left here and being very disruptive and i had to tell the mom she couldn't be left here alone. so i'm not a pushover or anything) anyway. i continue, "they're not doing anything wrong." she grumbles about how they can't be left here and blah blah blah mothers can't use us as a babysitting service. i tell her i just don't see what the problem is. this is totally status quo for this library. if anything i am happy that they are under the care of an older sibling. and they are being quiet angelic children! seeing that she is making no headway with me and that i will not be outraged by the presence of children in the children's room, she just walks away.
on a side note, i would just like to add that if i had to hazard a guess i would say that at any given time 95%-100% of the kids under the age of 16 who hang out in this library are here without any adult supervision.

subscribing to my blog OR the blind leading the blind

so some people have been asking me lately how to subscribe to this blog. and the short answer is, i'm not exactly sure. but i've done some investigation and here's what i have come up with. if you click on one of those handy orange icons (at right) you will be led to pick what "reader" you want to subscribe to. i'm going to assume that if you need help, you most likely don't subscribe to any kind of reader, like bloglines or anything like that. so if you don't want to get involved subscribing to a reader, what you can do, if you have a yahoo or a google account, you can choose one of those and then this blog will be added as a headline on your personal yahoo or google homepage. make sense? good luck.

the swift arm of the law

sometimes the cops come hang out in the library because they want a place to sit that's warm in the winter and cool in the summer. and sometimes they show up when we call them, you know like for emergencies and stuff. but they don't always come here when we call them, it being "the hood" and all.

yesterday these two cops come in and they're asking all these questions about someone who may or may not be dealing drugs in the library. turns out someone called the cops and tipped them off. so my manager starts going around trying to figure out who called them.
manager: did you call the cops?
me: no.
manager: because they are saying someone called them yesterday about someone dealing drugs in the library.
me: why are they here today if someone called them yesterday?
then she kind of shrugged and rolled her eyes (she loves rolling her eyes). then she walked away.

of course the police left with no useful information or leads or anything. i mean, i'm sure most times when people are dealing drugs in a public building they'll just hang around for days at a time, so there's really no rush for the police to get there in a timely fashion. but i guess our drug dealer is a little smarter than that and decided to leave the scene of the supposed crime. well, what will they think of next?

i bleed for free cookies

have i ever told you how much i enjoy donating blood? well i do! strange, isn't it? i really love it. people are so nice to you when you are donating blood, and they take care of you like you're sick, but you're not actually sick. and everything is all sterilized and clean, and when it's over you get free cookies and juice. yay! so i found out that there will be a blood drive in a few weeks at Central and not only will i get free cookies but i will also earn THREE HOURS of vacation time. woohoo! i'm so there.

dirtiness! beware!

it turns out ... i do not accept pleasure from strangers.

previous to my short-lived adventure with the glam rocker, i had gone out on two dates with an african american jew. at first i thought he was from a tribe of jews in africa, but then i found out that he is just from manhattan and he converted.
so he and i were supposed to have a third date the night after i met the glam rocker. but i was so taken with the glam rocker, and really not taken so much with this guy. we hadn't really connected on a deep level, we had barely kissed, i just wasn't feeling it. and to be perfectly honest, i felt a little uneasy around him. like he was always trying to push me out of my comfort zone or something.
so anyway, the other day he IMed me and asked me why i canceled our date and where have i been blah blah blah. so i say to him, "i will be honest with you. i have met someone else." and i figure even though it didn't work out with the glam rocker, i at least know that if i like the GR so much more than the AAJ, than really i shouldn't be with the AAJ. right?
so we got into a little tiff about whether or not i owed him an explanation. i maintain that under the law of social niceties, i do NOT owe him anything since we only had two dates and there was very little physical contact. also there were no long phone calls or great communications in between dates. he said that this would come back to me in karma. is what happened with the GR karma? i don't think so. because, as i said, i owed the african american jew nothing.
so tonight i came home from my writing class, punched some stuff at the gym, took a bath and read the new yorker, and am now relaxing with my laptop and this weird mushroom flavored polish cheese that i got at my favorite bodega.
anyway (where is the dirtiness you ask? ) so he IMs me tonight and says that he is sorry it didn't work out. and that he thinks i am hot. so i said "i know." and i meant this in two ways.
1. i know i am hot, i do not need you to tell me this
2. i know you are very taken by my hotness and it is a little creepy
then he tells me that i am missing out on something spectacular.
suddenly, i am kind of feeling sorry for this poor guy, grasping at straws, IMing a girl who is obviously not interested in him. so i tell him that i am sure he is a great person, but i don't think we make sense as a couple, having nothing to do with the quality of human being he is.
african american jew: yeah, you're right
african american jew: but i just wanted you
me: i know
me: sorry
african american jew: i know it won't work out
african american jew: i can't be your boyfriend
african american jew: but i still want to experience you
african american jew: please let me please you
me: dude! are you asking what i think you're asking?
african american jew: i could really pleasure you
me: you are sick
african american jew: i want to fill your empty spaces
me: i am blocking you!
and then while he was trying to type me another message i frantically blocked him from IMing me ever again.
but the story continues! so while i am writing this post, he sends me an e-mail
"i am not asking for sex just friendship on a high level!"
to which i respond "go %@$& yourself."
and then he writes back: "why would you write something like that ... i don't want to have sex with you, leave me alone!"
oh ... my .... god. what a sick bastard. now i must go to facebook and block him from my facebook. i would also like to add that this is the second person from jdate that i have had to block from contacting me in the past two weeks. seriously, a message to the single jews of the metropolitan area: get your shit together.