my favorite kid tells me a secret

FK: i have a secret to tell you
Me: okay (i say excitedly, because i love gossip)
FK: but you can't tell anyone
Me: who would i tell?
FK: if you tell anyone it will be like a betrayal, you know? you'll betray me.
Me: (realizing something is up) well .... sometimes when kids tell adults secrets the adults have to tell someone because the secret is something bad and the adult has to do something about it. do you understand that?
FK: yes
Me: okay, so what is your secret?
FK: sometimes ... i don't behave so good .... i used to behave bad all the time ... but now i behave pretty good.
Me: yeah, sometimes you misbehave ... but usually you're really good. (then i say in a whisper) you're one of my favorite kids.
FK: but when i misbehave at school i tell my mom and then my mom tells my dad and he gets so angry at me and then he hits me with a belt
Me: that's not right. he shouldn't do that.
FK: yeah it makes me sad
Me: what does your mom do?
FK: well she's the one that tells my dad. sometimes they fight.
Me: yeah, but does she try to stop him ever?
FK: no ... she's with him. like, when he goes to the closet where the belts are she doesn't say anything to him
Me: wow, i am so sorry. i wish i could help you out. that's not right what's going on.
FK: yeah ... i don't usually get black and blues though ... it just gets red
Me: you know, life gets better ... you go to high school and if you do well you go to ...
FK: i know you go to college and you get a job
Me: no, that's not what i was going to say. you go to high school and if you do really well you can go to college and then you get to move out of your house
FK: but i love my family
Me: yeah, but sometimes you need to get away from your family. like i did really well in high school and then i got to go to a college upstate in the mountains and there were trees and we got to go sledding
FK: wow
Me: yeah, so if you do well in school you can go to college and go sledding
FK: didn't you miss your family?
Me: not so much
FK: i'd miss my family
Me: well, you can always call them on the phone ... but sometimes its best not to live with them

puppets and small children make me feel better ... but only for a short period of time

today i did a story time, which i was dreading because i felt it would be awful to face a group of 5 year-olds knowing that i am now nubian-godless. but actually it was quite fun.
here's what i did:
i opened up with introducing the children to my new friend Mouse, who is not a real mouse, but a puppet of a mouse. i explained to them that Mouse is very shy and that they need to say "good morning to him." which they then did. then Mouse helped me go through the rules of story time. he wiggled his arms to show the kids that they should wiggle their arms now while they had a chance (there is NO wiggling during storytime). then he strethed his ears and the kids stretched their ears so that their ears were ready for listening. then Mouse put his hand in front of his mouth to signal that it was time to be quiet. what a good mouse he is.
then i read the following books:
mouse paint: starring some of mouse's friends who fall into jars of paint and then mix up the colors to make new colors. the kids enjoyed guessing what the colors the mixed up paint would make.
then we read brown bear brown bear what do you see, and the kids guess which animals brown bear would see. usually they got them wrong, but i was very supportive of them and didn't say anything like "hey stupid kids don't you know the brown bear sees a red bird?" i was on my best behavior.
then we took a little break for stretching and played "open, shut them." a little girl was nice enough to tell me that i was actually playing the game wrong and she explained the correct procedure for open shut them, so then we played a modified version.
then we read: in the tall tall grass, which they also enjoyed but there was no audience participation
finally we read go away big green monster, which was a real hit. i read it twice. once using the book, and the second time using this puppet that has removeable pieces so the kids instructed me on which pieces to place on the monster and which pieces to take away. it was really cool.
then we made monster hats, shown above. and as the kids were leaving proudly sporting the monster hats that they had made ... i felt good. i felt good about being a librarian and helping kids in the hood and for a brief moment i forgot about the nubian god.
but that brief moment is over.

a mathematical conundrum

if a neurotic jewish librarian was going on a flight to ohio to visit a nubian god, she would need 2 xanax for the roud trip flight (1 for each way). however, if she suddenly had zero nubian gods, how many xanax would she need to get through her day at library-in-the-hood?


hypothetical answer: she would need 1/2 a xanax for the first day (which she luckily found tucked away in the bowels of her medicine cabinet), thinking that a whole xanax might make her drowsy. however, on day two she would take a whole xanax, realizing that a half just doesn't do the job.

assistance is on its way

today we played a game that I CREATED called "are you smarter than a librarian." it is surprisingly similar to "are you smarter than a 5th grader," except that the kids battled yours truly in a match of wits. there were two teams and one team tied me and the other was a point behind. very fun. the kids were very impressed when i knew the name of the gypsy woman who befriends quasimoto in victor hugo's "hunchback of notre dame." they of course got grade appropriate questions which were much easier.
and get this, today, with no prior notice, i got a new activities assistant! no, no one emailed me to tell me she was hired and was starting today. anyway, she showed up and at first i was wary, but she seems to be good. she is a HUGE improvement from my last activities assistant who hated children and refused to do activities with them. curious. very curious.

what shall i be?

so for halloween some of the kids were told at school they had to come dressed up as what they wanted to be when they grew up. and my little friend O (the one who doesn't like touching the bathroom door because of the hobos) came dressed in a suit and button down shirt. when i asked him what he wanted to be he said "i want to be president." then he began strutting around with his chest out.
"that's great," i said.
"if not president, then i'd like to be a lawyer."
"lawyer is a good job too," i said.
"and if i can't be a lawyer, i'd like to be a teacher."
"oh," i said, "a teacher is a good job."
"yeah, it is," he agreed. "and if i can't be a teacher i'll be a doctor."
"uh-huh. well, i'm sure you can be whatever you want. you're very smart."
"i know." he said humbly. "but if i can't be a doctor then i'd like to be a school counselor."
"that's a good job too," i said. i'm so supportive. "so its president, lawyer, teacher, doctor, school counselor?"
"yeah."
"okay then."

what is crying to one person is mere whimpering to another

okay, the question has been raised: did i make a kid cry at the halloween party when i threatened to give away all the kids candy? the answer ... maybe. i did not actually see anyone crying, but i did hear a mom say to a younger child, "don't cry. you'll get candy." maybe this crying was totally unrelated to me and i am not such a bad person.

things you should not scream at children during a halloween party:

"if you cannot be quiet you will not get any candy and cookies. i will end this party right now give your candy and cookies away. i will drive my car to another library and give your candy to other children."
yeah, so you can tell how the halloween party went. it actually started off well, but then when 65 kids showed up it got a bit out of control. urgh.
if my computer ever gets out of "the shop" i will happily post pictures of me in my terribly complex "hell's librarian" costume.