Friday, August 29, 2008

someone is looking out for me

my friend came up to me at work to remind me that next week is my week to do "the papers." it is, of course, not her job to remind me of these things. but obviously she is concerned at the repercussions that could occur if i were to forget. ain't she sweet? she's so sweet. i marked it on my calendar ages ago, but then this week i brought in the papers accidentally thinking that this week was next week. so unfair. but obviously, writing it in my calendar is not neccessarily a sure-fire way to remind myself. and that is when i remembered about for those of you who don't know about it, jott is a free service that will send you text messages and e-mails with a transciption of whatever you dictate into the phone. for instance, i just called jott and said "i need to buy the papers on tuesday." and then it asked me if i'd like a reminder, and if so when. so on tuesday at 9 am jott will send me a text message telling me to buy the papers. cool, no? there is also an option to send these transcriptions to friends and family who you list in your profile. like, if i was walking around and wanted to email mr. katz about a brilliant idea i just had, i can call jott and tell them the briliant idea and they will transcribe it and send it to mr. katz. isn't technology amazing?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

i've been had

a woman just called ... she sounded a bit insane.
she asked me if we had any books on porn.
i said "i doubt it," but promised to look it up.
surely, pornography is a topic that has been written about once or twice.
she said "that would be really helpful!"
but before i even yielded any search results
she laughed and hung up on me.
if someone can ask for books about licensing an adult business
why should i assume a woman looking for books on porn would be any less serious?

there's no business like adult business

sometimes i worry that maybe i am getting too complainy. buit i figure that you fine people would let me know if that was happening. so here goes ...

even though i am almost fully recovered from my two-week illness, i am still getting hives every now and then. they aren't too bad and they only come every few days, so it's a huge improvement, but it's still a bit annoying.

yesterday as i was leaving work i had a bunch of little hives on my arm. no big deal. i took some benedryl and tried to ignore it. then by the time i got out of my writing class they had all grown. took more benedryl, added in some xyzal, then went to bed. but apparently, as i was sleeping they all ganged up on me and formed one giant hive which i awoke to this morning (as seen here). now it's lunchtime and it's still going strong.

but on to more fun topics. yesterday we had our summer reading club party for the k-3 kids. we made ice cream sundaes. i gave out free books, goody bags, bug masks, and little alien finger puppets. the kids were extremely pleased. one thing i have to say about these kids, is that they are always thankful for all the crappy prizes i give them. and i had decorated the room with crepe paper streamers, and at first i thought that maybe that $2 in the dollar store was ill spent, but when these kids walked in they ooohed and aaaahed about how festive the program room was. today we will be having another party, this one is for the 4th-6th grades. i think i'm going to have alot left over, so the staff here may end up eating ice cream sundaes for the next few days.

oh and i wanted to tell you about an interesting reference question i had ... a young man came up to me, he looked like he was in high school, and asked me if i could help him find a book. he goes on to talk about some book that "back when he was in college" (if he had ever really been in college it couldn't have been too long ago. like maybe it was last week) a teacher had told him would be helpful in starting a business. when asked if he knew the name of this book, he said no. then he said he wanted any book that would tell him what licenses you need to start different businesses. so i asked him what kind of business he was interested in, because i doubt we have a book that just lists all possible businesses and what licenses are needed to start up each one. he then whispered that he was starting an "adult" business. now, i am not familiar with the adult industry, but i'm going to assume that there are many many different types of businesses within said industry. just going out on a limb there. so i asked him if he could tell me what specific kind of business he was interested in, because that would be the only way i could figure out what kind of book he needs. then he laughed and it was obvious he didn't want to tell me what type of business he was planning on venturing into. so i said, "i'm going to assume that whatever business you're thinking of, we probably don't have a book on it." and then i suggested he go to the central library since they have an extensive business section. but i can't help but wonder what type of business he was interested in: brothel, adult bookstore, peep show, sex shop? now i'll never know.

Friday, August 22, 2008

an apron and a gaggle of googley eyes

the night before rasha's funeral, a whole bunch of us punk ropers gathered at miss fifi's house for what i can only describe as a cupcake baking and veggie snack box assembling extravaganza. about ten or so of us were cramped into her typically spacious kitchen, baking and chopping and assembling various goodies for the memorial celebration the following day. we baked several hundred cupcakes, and made several hundred snack boxes (although i hear some boxes accidentally got filled with my friend carolina's jumbalaya. oops. ) anyway, it was amazing to see everyone pull together like that, and it really made me appreciate was a fantastic network of friends i have.

when miss bitchcakes arrived, she had thoughtfully brought a few vintage aprons from her collection for some of us sassy girls to borrow. and that is when i feel in love with this apron shown here. please notice the apron comes with a matching oven mitt (with little ears!). i think miss bitchcakes knew that once i tied this baby onto me she was never getting it back. she generously said i could keep it, since she never wears it anymore.

when i brought it back to the paradise, i quickly noticed that it actually matches my kitchen walls! and doesn't it look fab next to norman? i was so pleased. but then, looking at the oven mitt i had a stroke of brilliance. this little guy needs googley eyes. and that's when i remembered that miss fifi had given me a large variety of googley eyes for my birthday (knowing how much i LOVE them), including sew-on googley eyes (which i had never seen before! good work miss fifi!) so i sewed on the googley eyes and voila! the apron and oven mitt are now quite perfect!

and again i thought about how lucky i am to have such great thoughtful friends. thanks ladies!

the balance of vandals

in the end, wednesday's talent show was highly successful. at one point i did think about maiming the children or locking them in a closet. but only briefly.

at our "dress rehearsal" i had the children go around and tell me their talents. almost every time it went something like this:
me: so what is your talent?
child: singing!
me: that's great! did you bring a CD to sing along to?
child: no
me: ok, are you going to sing without music then?
child: huh? no way!
me: well what song would you like to sing?
child: (shrugs)

and that is how i wound up in our CD collection surrounded by kids, shoving various pop albums at them. eventually i was able to pair each child with an appropriate song, but it was hard work. i mean, i've heard of keyshia and beyonce and soulja boy and the like, but i really don't know anything about them or which songs might be appropriate for small children to dance and sing to. i plead ignorance; i am a hipster, and do not know of these things. what do you want from me?

but the show must go on! and it was actually quite heartwarming. highlights include an exhibit of tags by a young and upcoming grafitti artist (aka a possible vandal), a 5 year old girl dancing to beyonce's Dangerously in Love (which it turns out, i actually knew), and a kindergarden boy dancing to Crank that Soulja Boy.

minutes before the talent show began, our grafitti artist in residence was nice enough to teach kindergarten boy the Soulja Boy Dance. he really is a sweetheart this future vandal. very helpful. while helping me decorate he stood on a chair to hang some stars. when i told him to be careful since the chair is wobbly, he looked at me and said, "don't worry miss dewey decimal. i hop fences and stuff all the time. i have great balance." to which i replied, "i don't want to know," and then covered my ears and walked away.

at one point a 6th grade girl sang Big Girls Don't Cry by fergie. she was shy and tried to cover her face while she sang, asking me to turn the volume up to drown out her voice. but there was something about her that was so sweet and timid yet strong and maybe a little brave that i actually started to tear up a bit. of course i immediately had to try to hold it back in order to maintain my tough facade for the children. they can smell weakness. but i thought about these kids and all that they have to overcome in this world, and i had this proud mama bear type moment. then i thought about how unruly (please read: insane) the children used to be, and how i've whipped them into shape. damned i'm good.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

sexy santas and shiny stars

it's been a rough couple of weeks dear blog readers. but i feel it is now time to go back to daily life, specifically my usual schtick of picking apart the world around me with irreverent disdain. don't you all miss the irreverent disdain?

hanging out at matchless last night, it came to my attention that i have a pet peeve about girls dressed up as sexy santas. now don't all go running to matchless. there are no sexy santas there. this is a total non sequitor. what upsets me even more than a tarted up mrs. claus, is what is shown here at left. (please excuse my poor quality camera phone pic) what is shown here is a man performing last night at mccarren pool before the screening of velvet goldmine (i heart ewan mcgreggor's eagerness for full frontal nudity, but i digress).

note that the man in the picture is holding a guitar. yet, the majority of his performance he did not use this guitar. he merely sang along to a recording of various r&b beats and backgrounds. after a bit of heckling from yours truly he did assure the audience that he would in fact eventually use the guitar, which he did later in a Doors cover. but i do not think that one cover song is enough to warrant the prestige that carrying a guitar around brings. i'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if at least half your set doesn't include the guitar you've got strapped to you, then you're not really a guitarist. especially since no other instruments were present. i could excuse this behavior if he was spending the rest of his time playing keyboards or even bongos.

i have to say, the pre-movie music at the pool this summer has really sucked. what's up with that? last week was some indigo girl reject was singing about how she is like a lighthouse, and now this? i support musicians and all, but sometimes there's a reason people are lost in obscurity. i mean, i could sing along to pre-recorded music while holding a guitar. that's what they call an overly eager karaoke performance. maybe i even know more chords than this guy. the other day i totally nailed f sharp minor.

in library news, today is the day of our talent show. monday i had a lovely afteroon with the kids, making stars out of silver paper to hang up as decorations. the children were very impressed with the shininess of the silver paper and have all requested to take stars home with them when the talent show is over. pics of my shiny silver paper to follow.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

"tell me what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life" - mary oliver

i was at my friend rasha's funeral today (which was covered in the ny times) and in his eulogy to her, my friend josue mentioned several of rasha's favorite quotes. and it got me thinking ...

about the hurt of the past
and about the need to move on.
life is so short and fragile.
we can't waste time nursing old wounds
or being bogged down by all that has happened to us before.
we have to start fresh from this point on.
according to helen keller life is an adventure or it is nothing.
what will my next adventure be?
will i ever be able to let my guard down?
from this moment forth
what will i do with my one wild and precious life?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

in g-d's house

i am not a religious person. i do not believe in anything. i do not believe that she is in a better place. or that she is with god. or that this is all part of a divine plan that will somehow make sense if you just have faith. i have no faith. i wish i could take comfort in the idea of something after this existence, something larger than myself, but i just can't.

on those rare occasions when i find myself in a synagogue, in a house of the supposed god, i am typically unmoved. it doesn't touch me or give me solace. usually i am just waiting to leave. but this weekend i found myself in a temple in maine, trying to celebrate with my family, while simultaneously attempting to ignore the impending reality that one of my friends is gone. and then i came across this passage in a prayerbook, and it made me cry.

where has this week vanished?
is it lost forever?
will i ever recover anything from it?
the joy of life,
the unexpected victory,
the realized hope,
the task accomplished?

will i ever be able to banish the memory of pain,
the sting of defeat,
the heaviness of boredom?

on this day let me keep for a while what must drift away.
on this day let me be free of the burdens that must return.
on this day, abide.

help me to withdraw for a while
from the flight of time.
contain the retreat of the hours and days
from the grasp of frantic life.

let me learn to pause, if only for this day.
let me find peace on this day.
let me enter into a quiet world this day.
on this day, abide.

Thursday, August 7, 2008


it has come to my attention that in the post "goodbye asian fusion" i list codeine as being one of the medications i am on.  this is an error.  i meant cortisone.  corrections have been made.  i apologize for the mix-up.  take pity on me dear blog readers, and blame my confusion on my over-medicated stupor.

goodbye asian fusion

miss me? i know you did, bitches.

you're probably all asking yourselves, miss dewey decimal ... where have you been? well, let me start off by saying that anyone who knows me well has had to take me to the emergency room at least once. (or been in a near emergency room visit situation) just part of the fun of being friends with me. yay!

so it was of only moderate shock value when after having dinner with the ladies on saturday night i broke out in massive hives that were threatening to engulf my entire body, leaving me to call upon ms. naked hero to take me to the emergency room. she's a real pal, and is already well-versed in the taking-miss-dewey-decimal-to-the-hospital routine.

and after hours of being in the ER i was sent home, only to wake up two short hours later completely covered in hives again. might i add that at this point i had ingested enough benedryl to tranquilize a small horse. back to the ER. this time to be met up by my dear directionally challenged mother (bless her heart, she made it to the ER eventually).

then after having barely slept, i was whisked away to allergists offices on long island where i was then pumped full of cortisone and given a handful of scripts. then i went back to mom's and watched some cable tv. thank god for project runway. and then the following morning, when i was taking more medications than anyone ever thought possible, i broke out in hives yet again and was whisked away to the allergists for more cortisone. yet again.

since then i have been hiding out at The Paradise (aka my apartment) trying to rest, even though resting is SO boring. i hate resting. yet the meds make me so tired. my silver lining of resting was that i did get to start and finish all 750 pages of Breaking Dawn by stephenie meyer. it was pretty good, a bit trashy, but good. anyway, now i am only slightly exhausted and only breaking out into hives minimally every few hours. yay!

but that is not all dear blog readers! i would not leave you for so long without giving you a good juicy story ... during this period of bed rest, aka house arrest, my relationship with asian fusion came to an end. i know i haven't exactly mentioned asian fusion before, but i've alluded to it all subtle like. anyway, after much hinting from me about how bored i was being home trying to rest, asian fusion did not stop by to visit me. this got me thinking ... if i were dating someone and they had been through a similar ordeal, i would visit them. because that's the kind of nice gal i am. i would at least stop by for a few minutes with some mad libs or one of those activity books with the mystery ink pen. or maybe a book of ny times crossword puzzles. if i had time i might even bring some baked goods. whatevs. you get the idea.

so last night i called asian fusion to discuss with him that i was hurt that he wasn't visiting me in my weakened state. i won't go into the gory details of our break-up, but pretty much he said two things which have stuck with me. and although i said everything that needed to be said, i can't help but have that feeling like i need to say more. luckily, i have learned that it is best not to e-mail your recent ex with additional rants and diatribes, so instead i shall write these things to you, my beloved blog readers. feel free to read on, or maybe you'd rather surf the internets for porn. it's your nickel:

1. he is not ready to be in a relationship - to this i must ask ... then why did you get into a relationship with me? why did you seek me out and try to date me? why did you say you didn't want to see other people? why did you talk to me about riding motorcycles in the mountains and starting a band? why do this if you don't want to be in a relationship. it doesn't make any sense.

and 2. he needs closure with his ex - i have learned much in my 30 years on this earth. and one thing i learned last night is that closure is a fantasy. do we ever have closure? is there ever a point where you can get in the last word and feel okay with the situation? is there really a satisfactory answer to "why don't you love me?" no, there isn't. because closure is a fairy tale.

i like to think i have a way with words, and i have certainly had my share of pithy parting statements, but at the end of the day, what good did it do? life is messy and painful and nothing ever gets tied up in a neat little bow.

with as many strides as i have made getting over the polyamorist, it still stings that he took me for granted the way he did. and even though the nubian god has recently been trying to get into my panties, i realize that i will never get over how he deserted me in my time of need. and although i am drawn to him, i know that there are no words to make up for all that we have done to each other. and likewise, no amount of discussions will ever lead me to understand why the glam rocker acted all cutesy with me, planning out our horoscopes together, only to tell me days later that he wasn't ready for a relationship (and what is it with this not-ready-for-relationship disease that is plaguing our men? does it spread like one of those weird viruses that kills trees?)

i can only assume that it goes the other way too. that there are men out there pondering why i didn't give them a chance. who knows how many sleepless nights my ex-fiance wonders what the hell i was thinking when i handed him back his ring and walked out of his life forever. only one thing is for certain: there is nothing i could have said to make him feel any better about it. because at the end of the day, there's just no nice way of saying "i don't love you the way you want me to."

so forget closure. i say we should just all move on.

miss dewey decimal