senorita dewey decimal es mi bibliotecario preferido

yesterday i had not one but TWO dad's chat me up. not in a creepy way or anything, just in a nice friendly way, but a kind of extra-friendly way that we save for people who are not ugly. know what i mean?

anyway, dad 1 was looking for a book. shocking! and i helped him find said book, and then he said something to me in spanish. the only word i caught was ojos (eyes). now, i have some pretty nice peepers, i'll admit it, but he was definitely waxing poetic because he said a hell of a lot more than just the typical ojos azules. he then informed me that the whole thing would be lost in translation, but he nonetheless brought over a spanish speaking co-worker and had her translate. it went a little somthing like this:

the beauty and purity of your eyes is a reflection of the beauty and purity of your self-esteem.

well ... isn't that a nice way of saying i have purdy eyes? i thanked him, telling him that was the nicest thing i'd heard all day (which is true). then he asked me if i was "taken," and i told him that my heart belongs to the dostoevsky-reading bolshevik.

on to dad 2. we were about to close the library and it was one of those nights when all the patrons were taking their sweet ass time getting out of the building. please people! i have a life outside the library! get the hell out! but i digress ... dad 2 came up to me to tell me that he had noticed that i was working very hard, going all over the place all the time.

this is true ... and it isn't true. now, i am not one of those librarians who will just point to some far away stack and tell people "it's over there ... somewhere." oh contraire. i actually get off my lazy ass each time and walk people to the stacks and i do not leave their side until they are book in hand. that said, when no one needs my help i am perfectly content to sit at the desk and look at stuff on the internets. work hard, play hard my dear blog readers. anyway, after being complimented about my diligence in the children's room, dad 2 and i discussed the intricacies of various neighborhoods in our fair city. after a few minutes he remembered that he had to leave and i reiterated, yeah get out.

these interactions got me thinking ... of course, it would be typical for the fathers to do some light flirting with the young cute children's librarian. and then i realized that the reason that i had never experienced this before is that i've never encountered fathers before. back in library in the hood i was only flirted with by crackheads and deadbeats.

this leads me to a suggestion for a new slogan .... happy shiny new library: we have fathers.

i feel it ... i really do

i think i'd like to make a compilation of my bad library spanish. now, for the record, i speak fairly decent "traveller's spanish." you know, like i can ask where tourist attractions are and haggle the price of trinkets in open air markets. however, i do not know how to say things like, "when did you return your books?" or "those dvds were due last week and now you owe us $16." but i try to muddle through these phrases in my broken spanish, because that's the kind of trooper i am. so here is today's best bad spanish sentence.

lo siento. no tenemos libros about tuberculosis en Espana, solamente ingles.

translation:

i feel it. we do not have books about tuberculosis in Spain, only English.

that's right! you heard it here first. the entire country of spain is completely void of tuberculosis books. if any of you loyal readers are wondering how to make a quick buck or two during these hard economic times, maybe you'd like to publish some books on tuberculosis and export them to spain.

it felt so good ... it felt so right

i sang silly songs ... and i liked it! there ... i said it ... i AM cute!

have i shocked you to the core, dear blog readers? that's right, monday i did back-to-back story times (one all ages and one "baby time") and i sang cutesy songs and not only did the kids enjoy it, but i too enjoyed it. (many of you may know that i do in fact have a lovely singing voice)

i sang a song about saying hello. i sang a song about shaking out wiggles (sans monkey puppet. i'm so sorry monkey, but it's over between us!). i sang songs about having your hands on your head and about old women swallowing insects and animals, and songs about going round and round, either in a ring-ed rosey or in a fictitious red wagon. my god, i was on fire.

here's how it all went down: i started my first story time and a little precocious girl interrogated me about where "the other teacher" was. i repeatedly assured her that i would be doing story time and that i would be just as good as the "other teacher" (we're librarians, damnit!) she was unmoved, and sat on the round carpet with her arms crossed. but she was soon won over by my charms and was doing my bidding! my bidding being making animals sounds at the proper times and shouting out the colors of the rainbow when need be.

now, i am all about the books my friends, so i am pushing way more books at these kids than the other children's librarian. but with the addition of the silly songs, the children were accepting this bibliophilic onslaught. one of the books i read to them was this new book called "the foggy foggy forest." it's SO cool. it has these opaque pages with black silhouettes and you have to guess what is going on in said foggy foggy forest, but it's never what you think it's going to be! typically you'll turn the page and see silly things like a fairy queen on a trampoline or an ogre doing yoga (not quite a rhyme but i'll let it slide ... this time.)

baby time went a little less smoothly, but pretty well considering i've never done a baby time and i kind of fear children under the age of 2 (seriously, how did i get into this racket? does anyone remember?) so we sang songs and did lap bounces. i had to mime having a baby, using a cat doll. the bolshevik had a field day with this information. anyhoo, it went okay until i realized that i was out of material and only 12 minutes had passed. so i just ended the program like i had intended it to be only 12 minutes long. then one mother called me out, asking "isn't this supposed to go until 11:30," she asked. apparently she was not satisfied only being entertained from 11 to 11:12. so i told her that unfortunately we moved through all the material "too quickly," you know, cause these babies are super advanced and shit. then i suggested she sit on the carpet and read some board books. so all the moms sat with the babies and read board books. that's lovely, right? way better than watching me pretend to bounce a fictitious baby on my lap while singing about horses riding into town, no?

so that's that my friends. i am now a baby time expert.

attacked by a pop-up book but the show must go on

way back when you may remember that i used to have various anxieties about doing story times. however, after a while i overcame this fear and i believe i became quite good at story time. at least, the kids at library in the hood liked it. but this children's librarian here, she is such a go-getter. she is really making me step up my game. she is super cute and sing-songy with the kids and i feel i must improve in order to keep up with her.

so yesterday i had my first story time with the kids. now let me tell you that because library in the hood didn't have active parents visiting, the only way i could do story times was to schedule visits with local day care centers. so they'd bring a class of about 20 or so kids and 2 or 3 teachers. yesterday i had over 50 people! 50 people! it was chaos. sort of.

first there was this screaming child who wouldn't shut up and was really killing my mojo. thankfully her mother eventually took her out of the room.

then i opened with my monkey puppet, which is usually a huge crowd pleaser, but they were totally unimpressed with Monkey the monkey puppet. what gives? it's like they knew he was just a inanimate doll with my hand up his ass. moving on!

then i read "kitten's first full moon," which was ok but i think that it was a litttle long for their attention spans. it really is difficult to engage 50 kids and parents (most of whom do not speak much english).

then i did the itsy bitsy spider with them and they began to warm up. they know this itsy bitsy spider from the other librarian, so they could get down with him and his crazy water spout climbing ways. then i read "the very busy spider," by eric carle as a clever tie-in. see the cleverness? they enjoyed that and i tried to encourage them to make animal sounds at the appropriate parts. they're a bit shy these kids. they're not used to the type of call and response interactive story time that i do. anyway.

then i read Duckie's Rainbow and i learned that these kids don't know their colors very well. they seem to think everything is yellow. when in doubt, say yellow. so i think i will do more color themed books with them.

then i sang "there was an old lady who swallowed a fly," using a flannel board with little flanel pieces. this amused me greatly, but i couldn't tell if the kids found it funny or not.

then i read this pop up book called Safari Animals, that has these flaps and you have to guess which animal is behind the flaps. apparently, no one has been reading this book very much because the pages were super stiff and i got a serious paper cut. oh the dangers of story time! seriously, a day later and this paper cut is still annoying me.

then we sang "5 little monkeys jumping on the bed," which they liked. and then i read them Charlie Chick, which is always a crowd pleaser, even with this new tough audience. then we sang "the wheels on the bus," and i closed with my favorite If You're Happy and You Know it: Jungle Edition.

several staff members complimented me on the story time, so i assume it went well. but i still feel like i need to study the other children's librarian a bit ... maybe steal some of her act. i will get these new kids to love me, damnit!

starting next month i will be doing weekly story times and ... *gasp* .... baby time. oh god.

the second weigh-in

so according to my new weight watchers plan, i am supposed to "weigh in" every monday. now, knowing that i was going to have a large soul food meal on sunday i decided to weigh myself sunday morning so as to not upset my fragile ego. and what did i find? i lost TWO pounds. that's right!

but wait! there's more! after my awesome soul food dinner (41 points! that's two days worth of food!) i weighed myself this morning and found that i had lost an additional pound! (thank goodness i had racked up so many extra points for this occasion)

so on my two weeks i weight watchers i have lost a total of THREE pounds. not too shabby.

large and in charge

so today is day two of me lording over - ahem, i mean being in charge of - the children's room. apparently my co-children's librarian in crime has been sick for the past few days. i too have been sick for the past few days (don't tell anyone, but i may be responsible for infecting her), but i've been trudging through! thanks in part to tylenol cold SEVERE, which although was very effective at first, seems to be getting less and less severe.

anyway, the big excitement here was that i got some mail from library in the hood. now, at first i thought this might be some last ditch attempt to get me in trouble for something. like maybe this was some sort of disciplinary letter for a sit-down i failed to show up to. but then when i opened it, lo and behold, what did i find? a supercute homemade card from the kids. they found pictures of librarians and kids and books and had made a little collage for me, telling me that i am "the best" and all that. it was signed by the kid who hates hoboes and my favorite kid and the other usual suspects. so sweet. i hung it up at my new desk.

in other news, svelteness continues to be at an all-time low. two weeks ago, after being inspired by ms. bitchcakes, i joined weight watchers. let me tell you, weight watchers is hard work. it takes a lot of planning ahead and preparing your own food. these are two things i do not typically enjoy doing. so the first few days i was literally starving. STARVING, dear blog readers. this wouldn't be so hard if i was still in the hood and had the option to visit the vegetarian who used to feed me. sadly i am left on my own to fend for myself. but thanks to some tips from ms. bitchcakes i am doing a lot better now. so i'm tracking my daily points and what not. this week i am saving up my points for soul food with the bolshevik and my friends the confined nomads. so far i have 25 points banked up. hopefully i will be in good enough health to go to the gym this weekend and then i can earn even more. i am sure this is not what the good people at weight watchers intended when they created the points system. but hey, who doesn't love a loophole?

and that my beloved followers, is that.

ok, maybe i didn't time travel ... but i may have entered an alternative dimension

i have been collecting evidence at my new digs ... you know, figuring out how things are run, how best not to make waves and so on and so forth. as i told you, there was the first clue of the congratulatory bulletin board (only happy shiny workers make happy shiny congratulatory bulletin boards). then, i've encountered the follow strange alien behaviors.

1. i explained that i will be taking a novel writing class on monday nights and i asked that, when possible, i'd like to be given the earlier shift so i don't miss my class. i even said that i wouldn't mind missing a class or two if i had to, just that i'd like to have the early shift on as many mondays as possible. i also offered to work the later shifts on all others days whenever needed, to compensate for any inconvenience. the assistant manager immediately took out her pencil and began erasing and rewriting my schedule to accomadate my needs. crazy, no?

2. i told the assistant manager that i had a doctor appointment and that i'd like to work 9:30 to 5:30 so that i could leave in time to make my evening appointment. she said it was no big deal and began to change my schedule in the schedule book. then she looked up at me and asked, "would you like to work 9:30 to 5? you can just take a half hour lunch and that way you'd have more time to make your appointment." indeed, i could use more time to get to my appointment on time. i gladly accepted her offer.

3. i realized i had a class visit scheduled on my day off, so i asked if i could switch and have my day off some other time. this was not a problem. then, the teacher called and cancelled her class visit. so i asked if i could re-switch my day off back to the original day it was scheduled for. this was easily accomplished. i thanked the assistant manager and she encouraged me saying, "whever you need to change the schedule we'll try to do whatever we can."

wow. such friendly reasonableness. i love reasonableness! i mean, they're acting as though the schedule is something that's just written in pencil and can be erased and re-written at whim! oh wait, it is.

oh how i heart it here ... let me count the ways.

i think i travelled back in time

don't worry dear blog readers, i am not lost in the space time continuum. i am here in the now and i am fine (except for a slight cold). but i digress.

in libraries, every so often i will get an older patron asking me where the typewriter is. and then i kindly explain that we no longer have typewriters. we haven't had them for years. maybe even a decade. and i oh-so-helpfully suggest that said patron log onto a computer and use Microsoft Word for their typing needs. usually, this is met with angry looks and mean stares. "what do you mean you don't have a typewriter?!" they ask, as though we are missing some very crucial item. like a front door or something. i could see getting all up in arms if we didn't have a front door, but an archaic piece of office equipment like a typewriter? do you think that it's not too late to join the secretarial pool?

what's next? do you expect me to provide you with an abacus to get your math homework done? are you shocked that i use that weird round thing on the wall to tell time instead of a sundial? c'mon people.

anyway, i was assigned a task that involved re-labelling the Harry Potter books. the other children's librarian here is SUPER organized, and she has labelled things in a very pleasing manner. i love it! i love good labelling! anyway, when i asked her where she kept the fiction labels (these have the first 3 letters of the authors last name on them. it makes it so easy to find things and keep things in order!) anyway, she tells me that she "types" the labels up as needed, then points to these mini sheets of labels.

"you can print those?" i ask, not understanding her use of the word "type" in the above-mentioned sentence.

"no," she says, i type them up on a typewriter."

"really?" i ask, flabbergasted. "a typewriter? here?"

and that dear blog readers is how i wound up typing 18 labels on a typewriter for our 18 HP books. and i'll tell you, it was kind of enjoyable thing using this crazy contraption of the past. i felt very old timey and sophisticated. you know, once i figured out how to put the labels in there.

something smells fishy around here and i think it's dan brown

so as we were packing it in at shiny happyville library, i had a little chat with our "community liaison." what is a community liaison, you ask? well, it is a euphemism for tough ass bitch who keeps the patrons in line. (although i'm sure there are men in this position, i've only encountered really bad ass women as community liaisons. go get 'em girls!) anway, our CL is a young woman in her early twenties who i would NOT want as an enemy. but she is super friendly to employees and goes out of her way to say hi to me every day. anyway, as we were walking out she tells me that Angels and Demons is the only book that she has ever enjoyed reading.
say what?!
that's right, the only book that has ever maintained the interest of this fine person is a dan brown book.
"in this whole library of books you've never found another book that you've liked?" i asked, shocked that this could be true. i almost would rather her say she hated reading than say that angels and demons is the only book for her. i mean, i try not to judge. reading is reading. but i want for her than this.
she repeated this, and i told her that i will make it my mission to find her another book that she enjoys.
so there you have it. the gauntlet has been thrown. challenge accepted. can miss dewey decimal get a reluctant reader to like a second book? we shall see dear blog readers. we shall see.

it's hard work actually working

hello my dear dear blog readers! did you miss me terribly? i'm sure you did. here's the skinny on what's been going on.
i started my fab new position on monday. it took me 35 minutes door to door to get there! using mass transit! yay!
then, i was greeted by friendly staff members who ... get this ... were excited to have me start working there. yay!
then, i was led into the staff room to stow my belongings. and lo and behold what did i see there, but remnants of a party. there was even a bulletin board congratulating one of the staff members. the phrase "we're so lucky to have you!" was prominently displayed. now, i love decorating and throwing parties, but i don't think even i have ever made a bulletin board honoring someone. that is some serious friendly co-worker teamwork shit going on. and i believe that it is a sign of a *gasp* non-toxic environment. yay!
you may be thinking to yourselves, "well miss dewey d, if everything's so peachy keen why haven't you been writing about it?" well, that dear blog readers is because i am SUPER busy. there are no less than a million kids in here. and for the most part they are ESL, so they need a lot of help with their homework. but get this, their parents actually bring them here and sit with them and ask me for help and then thank me after i give said help! crazy! parent involvement, whodda thunkit?
so i am a busy little beaver, but i am enjoying my friendly new happy environment and my short commute and my non-ghetto community. i can even walk around outside! i've been running errands on my lunch break! yay!
so things are good dear blog readers. things are good.

an end to the aughts

i want to introduce you to a new term i learned:

the aughts: referring to the decade of 2ooo to 2009

yup, thought you might like to know about that now that the aughts are officially over.

moving on!

usually i try to make new year's resolutions, but this year i think i just want to make some goals. here they are:

1. finish the 2nd draft of my novel so that i can begin the hunt for an agent (hopefully within the next few months)

2. get back to my old exercize routine of working out twice a week instead of once a week (if i didn't have a job, i would be able to go to the gym much more frequently)
3. become fluent in spanish

now ... let's look at last year's list and see how successful i was at 2009's resolutions:

i'd like to complete my novel (then i'd like to get it published, and then i'd like to become famous and be a guest on Oprah and/or the Tyra Banks show, even though i find both Oprah and Tyra Banks to be obnoxious)

well, i did complete the first draft of my novel. woohoo! but there is still much work to before i am a guest with Tyra (when i daydream about myself as a famous author now, i typically am being interviewed by Tyra, and not Oprah)

i would like to lose my prednisone weight and become super svelte again (i am fighting the unsvelteness vigilantly, and yet i have made no strides. i merely maintain the same level of unsvelteness)
while i am not at my old level of "super svelte" i have managed to lose about 6 or 7 pounds since last january and actually keep it off. so that's pretty good. i'd still like to lose 3-5 more pounds though.

i would like to balance my personal budget, and live in a more fiscally sound manner (when i transfer to my new branch i will be able to get rid of my car! that will give me a couple hundred bucks extra a month. yay!)
i wouldn't say i've "balanced my budget," because i feel like that is not even within my mathematical abilities. however, i am living in a more fiscally sound manner, and am no longer finding myself strapped for cash. i also have been preparing more food at home, eating out less, going out drinking less, etc. so i've done pretty well here.

i hope to maintain the healthy and satisfying relationship that i have with my beloved bolshevik. being in a non-toxic relationship is fun, and i encourage you all to try it sometime.
i believe that my relationship with the bolshevik is stronger than ever. we had some rough patches when he first began his world travels, but now i believe we have found a healthy balance of being together and being apart. and we have some exciting plans for this spring (to be revealed later)

general improvements: i would like to be more tidy, i'd like to be kinder to people, i'd like to improve my wardrobe, and i'd like to cook more.
i am not more tidy, or more kind. but i am not any less tidy or less kind! i have been cooking more, but i use the term "cooking" loosely. and my wardrobe is the same.

in conclusion, i believe that 2009 has been a good year to me. which is good because 2007 totally blew, and the first half of 2008 was rocky at best. i look towards 2010 as a year that will be full of new fantastic adventures and personal growth ... and hopefully some representation by literary agents.

xoxo
miss dewey d

last saturday in the hood

well dear blog readers, today is my last ever saturday in the hood. i'm pretty excited. i'll miss the kids, but they are resilient and they will move on. hopefully my replacement will be decent and they can haze her for a while (although i have repeatedly asked them to be nice to her), and maybe they can learn to accept her one day the way they eventually learned to accept me.

here are the things i will miss:
i'll miss the kids.
i'll miss my one friend and my fabulous assistant.
i'll miss my lunches with heart lotus, aka the vegetarian who feeds me. (he gave me a lovely plant as a going away present. isn't that nice? and the plant is still alive! thriving even!)
end of list.

here are the things i am looking forward to:
taking the 7 train (i love the 7 train! i hope there are mariachi musicians on my first day! wouldn't that be swell?)
all the money i will save by not having my car (do you know i got yet another parking ticket this week? wtf?)
new friendly co-workers. i got a very nice e-mail from the other children's librarian at my new branch, welcoming me to the community. i feel like that is a good sign.
i'm also looking forward to being busy. i hear my new branch is very busy. this is typically said like a negative thing, like, "oh it's SO busy." but honestly, i like busy. i get bored easily.

and that dear blog readers ... is that. until monday then.

the last newsflash

oh ... le sigh, it is my last issue of the newsletter. i wrote a little goodbye to my kids. i will definitely miss them. i'll also miss my one co-worker friend and my fabulous assistant (although i hear i get TWO assistants at my new library. TWO!) other features in this newsletter are an entire section of poems by kid who hates hoboes (he is our resident poet now).

you may remember that kid who hates hoboes was not doing so well, you know getting left back and acting up. i'm happy to say that he has improved on some levels, like being a good poet, but then sometimes he falls into the trap of acting like a thug. it's very frustrating.

the other day my favorite kid comes in and tells me that kid who hates hoboes, along with another kid, "jumped" him outside the library after we closed. the story goes that KWHH repeatedly told FK to hand over his money, and then KWHH pushed FK into the bushes, causing him to lose his library card in said bushes. i was appalled.

now, you might not think that losing your library card is a big deal. but on the contrary, it is quite a big deal. first off, if someone finds the card they can use it and take out hundreds of dollars worth of stuff and never return it and then your account with us is ruined forever. that's the worst case scenario.

then, it costs $2 for a new card. again, that might not seem like a big deal but most of my kids don't have 2 bucks to spare. so i tell FK that we need to immediately mark his card "lost" so that no one can use it. and then when i look him up in the computer i find out that someone has already tried to fraudulently use his card at the central branch, and that his card is being held for him there.

on the one hand this is good news that we've located his card. but then he has to get himself to central, which involves crossing a major street and walking about a mile, or taking a bus. he really needs an adult for this. since his mother doesn't speak english, she is not typically helpful in taking control of these types of situations.

then he asks me if i could give him a note to give to the people at central to explain the situation. so i write him a little letter saying that he is who he says he is, blah blah blah, i'm a librarian, give him his card please. then he asks me (he's so cute) if he can just give the note to the people without saying anything. he's so sweet. i suggest to him that he say something like "i'm here to get my lost library card. i have a note." he's not crazy about this idea, but i encourage him that sometimes in the grown-up world we have to talk to other people even though its uncomfortable. being someone who often hates talking to other people, i can understand his pain.

then my fabulous assistant and i have a sit down with KWHH and his partner and crime. by this time i am furious with them. the partner in crime is immediately remorseful, and seems genuinely sorry. i soon realize he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. which makes sense because he and FK are friends, and this kid has never been a problem. whereas KWHH is rolling his eyes at us, telling us he was just "playing," etc etc. its pretty infuriating. then i explain to him that pushing someone and demanding their money is not "playing" and that in the adult world such actions are considered to be attempted robbery and assualt. i also explain the ordeal that FK will have to go through to get his card back, and that in less than a 24-hour period someone has already tried to use FK's card. this gets to KWHH but he still tries to act like he is somehow beyond blame.

my assistant and i tell the kids they have to apologize to FK, and they agree. when FK comes in, the partner in crime immediately goes up to him and apologizes in a sincere fashion. FK accepts the apologize and then they read a comic book together and the whole thing is very heartwarming. KWHH takes this opportunity to suddenly become very serious about his studies and decides to immerse himself in his homework.

soon it is almost closing time, and i remind KWHH that he must apologize and that his time is running out. but he still maintains that he MUST
complete his homework. after a year and a half of slacking off, his homework is now a top priority. eventually i see that FK is leaving and i demand that KWHH go apologize. so he goes over to FK and mumbles something that kind of sounds like "i'm sorry," but overall the apology is pathetic. and my favorite kid and i both know it.

after FK leaves i reiterate to KWHH how disappointed i am not only in his actions, but in his lame apology. but what can you do?

my love affair with Banana Republic

some of you may know how much i heart banana. oh, banana, how i love thee ... let me count the ways!

anyway, ms. bitchcakes shares my love of banana and she had once told me that she watches items online (that she's already tried on in the store) and waits for them to go on sale.

so i followed her lead and i've been waiting for this BR Monogram dress to go on sale (Monogram is BR's fancy pants more expensive line) ... i hadn't even tried to dress on, i just happen to know that a BR dress size 8 almost always fits me perfectly.

i waited patiently and saw the item reduced 20% ... then 30% ... but i still waited. and then, oh blog readers then ... then it was reduced SIXTY PERCENT! oh happy day! so i purchased it (using my $10 Luxe reward, which i get from time to time for spending lots of money on my special VIP banana charge card). and i wore it on new year's eve and got many compliments.(remind me later when i have nothing to write about to tell you the "backwards dress" story. it's a good one)

ms. bitchcakes also alerted me that if an item goes on sale within 14 days of you purchasing it, BR will refund you the difference. of course you have to come into the store with your reciept, blah blah blah. so i've been watching my item, and today ... 15 days after i purchased it, it was reduced an extra 10%. now, i was thinking that since i ordered it before christmas and they were most likely closed that day, that i should get a little extra time. so i called the special Luxe member hotline (they have a special hotline for people like me!) and the very very helpful person at the hotline said that although the price adjustment is only available within 14 days (regardless of holidays, natural disasters or acts of terrorism) that this ONE time she would give me the reduction anyway. isn't that awesome! so she credited me $20! over the phone! just like that! yay!

which means, that in the end my BR Monogram dress was the low low bargain price of $64! i heart you banana!