miss dewey d: successfully crossing the street since kindergarten

as one of the only two white women in the neighborhood (the other being at least 35 years older than i am), i am easily recognizable to just about everyone. i am the white woman. i am the librarian. it's cool. no big deal. but sometimes people come up to me and ask me library related questions, as they know exactly who i am. i typically have no idea who they are, and suggest politely that if they come into the library i can look them up and all their problems can be solved. all of their problems. all of them.

so as i am walking back to the library from lunch today, a woman moseys (yes! she mosied!) up to me, standing beside me in the crosswalk. i don't want to get into the habit of calling people crackheads willy nilly, but i think she might have been a bonified crackhead. thus making the official crackhead count at library-in-the-hood now stand at two. there are two crackheads. (this would make for an excellent children's book about counting)

anyway! this crackhead moseys up to me and she asks me how i am and other social niceties. i am polite back to her, assuming she is someone who must know me from the library. then she suggests that when the light changes we should cross the street together. what fun! i have never crossed the street with a crackhead before! at least not intentionally. so i say sure, that's a fine idea. let us cross the street together.

but then dear blog readers, as the light changes something goes awry. this crackhead turns to me and offers that i should give her $.50 for her "services" of helping me cross the street.

well! i never!

i am perfectly capable of crossing the street on my own. and i am highly insulted that anyone might think otherwise! now, maybe if i was in a foreign country and cars were driving on the opposite side of the street and it was one of those complicated 5 or 6 point intersections and there was a gang of gypsies on the other side of the street ... then maybe, just maybe, i might need some assistance. but probably not. i'd probably still give it a go on my own. but i definitely do not need assistance crossing the street in the hood. i do it everday. usually 4 times per day.

so i tell her thanks but no thanks, i will not be needing her help. and with that the little walking man lights up and i safely crossed the street. all by myself! amazing.

let's play a round of fact or fiction (if this was hell's library you'd pronounce that friction)

woman: i'm looking for books on greek mytholody.

me: no problem, follow me.

(we walk to stacks and i show her the mythology books. found in the 290s in case you were wondering)

woman: i'm specifically looking for books with accurate information.

me: huh? what's accurate?

woman: you know what i mean.

(uh, no i don't)

me: well, none of them are accurate. they're made up

woman: what? they're made up?

me: well, yeah. i mean, unless you believe in women with live snakes for hair that turn people into stone.

woman: (shrugs)

ok, now one could argue that maybe the greek myths are not made up and that greek mythology is actually an organized polytheistic religion. but i am going to hazard a guess that this woman is not planning on throwing a lamb on the fire as a sacrifice to the gods.

slathered in hand sanitizer

a man approaches the desk and tosses a CD down in front of me. "i found this in the machine," he says, "it belongs to you guys."
"what machine?" i ask. i ask this politely and without any hint of accusation. i'm merely trying to get an understanding of what is going on. i am not a technologically saavy gal, per se, but i'm going to make a stab in the dark here and say that there are many many machines out there in the big scary high tech world.
"it was in the machine," he says again, growing impatient with me.
"well," i ask, "was this item checked out to you? what machine are we talking about?"
"what difference does it make?!" he begins shouting as he backs away from the desk. "you want it or not?! it belongs to your library!"
"sir," i say calmly (i love calling crazy people 'sir'), "i am merely attempting to understand where the CD came from."
and then he walks off muttering to himself. i also like it when crazy people walk off muttering to themselves.
at this point i look at the CD and i notice it is very dirty, specifically in that i-don't-know-where-this-thing-has-been kind of dirty. so i pick it up by the edges and bring it to my assistant manager, since he is in charge of CDs. i retell the story and when he takes the CD from me he notices how dirty it is. as i'm walking back to me desk i hear him shout to a nearby coworker "eww, it's covered in that roach .... "
now, i did not hear the end of the sentence, nor do i want to. was it covered in roach droppings? roach hairs? roach saliva? i don't care. i have pretty much poured an entire bottle of hand sanitizer on myself, so i think i'm okay. i hope.
but if anyone was planning on surprising me with a thoughtful gift ... hand sanitizer. i've now run out.

i've been had

a woman just called ... she sounded a bit insane.
she asked me if we had any books on porn.
i said "i doubt it," but promised to look it up.
surely, pornography is a topic that has been written about once or twice.
she said "that would be really helpful!"
but before i even yielded any search results
she laughed and hung up on me.
if someone can ask for books about licensing an adult business
why should i assume a woman looking for books on porn would be any less serious?

there's no business like adult business

sometimes i worry that maybe i am getting too complainy. buit i figure that you fine people would let me know if that was happening. so here goes ...

even though i am almost fully recovered from my two-week illness, i am still getting hives every now and then. they aren't too bad and they only come every few days, so it's a huge improvement, but it's still a bit annoying.


yesterday as i was leaving work i had a bunch of little hives on my arm. no big deal. i took some benedryl and tried to ignore it. then by the time i got out of my writing class they had all grown. took more benedryl, added in some xyzal, then went to bed. but apparently, as i was sleeping they all ganged up on me and formed one giant hive which i awoke to this morning (as seen here). now it's lunchtime and it's still going strong.

but on to more fun topics. yesterday we had our summer reading club party for the k-3 kids. we made ice cream sundaes. i gave out free books, goody bags, bug masks, and little alien finger puppets. the kids were extremely pleased. one thing i have to say about these kids, is that they are always thankful for all the crappy prizes i give them. and i had decorated the room with crepe paper streamers, and at first i thought that maybe that $2 in the dollar store was ill spent, but when these kids walked in they ooohed and aaaahed about how festive the program room was. today we will be having another party, this one is for the 4th-6th grades. i think i'm going to have alot left over, so the staff here may end up eating ice cream sundaes for the next few days.

oh and i wanted to tell you about an interesting reference question i had ... a young man came up to me, he looked like he was in high school, and asked me if i could help him find a book. he goes on to talk about some book that "back when he was in college" (if he had ever really been in college it couldn't have been too long ago. like maybe it was last week) a teacher had told him would be helpful in starting a business. when asked if he knew the name of this book, he said no. then he said he wanted any book that would tell him what licenses you need to start different businesses. so i asked him what kind of business he was interested in, because i doubt we have a book that just lists all possible businesses and what licenses are needed to start up each one. he then whispered that he was starting an "adult" business. now, i am not familiar with the adult industry, but i'm going to assume that there are many many different types of businesses within said industry. just going out on a limb there. so i asked him if he could tell me what specific kind of business he was interested in, because that would be the only way i could figure out what kind of book he needs. then he laughed and it was obvious he didn't want to tell me what type of business he was planning on venturing into. so i said, "i'm going to assume that whatever business you're thinking of, we probably don't have a book on it." and then i suggested he go to the central library since they have an extensive business section. but i can't help but wonder what type of business he was interested in: brothel, adult bookstore, peep show, sex shop? now i'll never know.

ooops, i forgot to post this

you miss me, don't you. i know. it's hard. but i'm a busy lady! and then earlier this week i came down with yet another sore throat. but luckily i was able to stave it off without becoming seriously ill! yay! so here are some tidbits for your enjoyment:

today this woman came in asking how to check her email. this is a normal thing. lots of times older patrons have set up an email account, either through a class or with the help of a young whipper-snapper relative, and now have no idea how to check it. so my friend approaches her. "do you have a library card?" she asks, "you'll need a library card to get on the computer. then i can show you how to check your email." seriously the patience of a saint, that one. so the woman looks at her, then looks at me and says, "oh, i need to get on a computer?" then my friend reiterates that yes you do need to get on a computer to check your email. then the woman frowns, obviously disappointed, "oh," she says, "i thought i could just check it. i didn't know i needed to use a computer." she says this as though we are going about unreasonable methods for e-mail checking, then she walks away. walks away! as if she might find a different solution elsewhere. as if at some other library maybe they can pull her emails out of the sky. damned. i wish we had that kind of technology. all we have is RFID.

then the other day i was talking with one of the teens that works in the library and she was asking me how long i've worked here. "you've been here a long time, right?" she asks. so i tell her i've been here almost a year and she says that she thinks that's the longest time a children's librarian has ever been here. wow. that's a bit sad. "so," she continues, "you must really like it here?" and i tell her that i do in fact like it here, and now that the atmosphere has changed to be the new peachy-go-lucky atmosphere that it is, i do like it here. and then i add, "you know, when i first got here the kids were crazy." she nods in agreement. i continue, "they were insane. but now they're actually really good." she agrees again, and then we have a nice little discussion about how it just takes a while for the kids in this neighborhood to trust anyone. and i left the library pondering how remarkable it is that these kids are now behaving and learning stuff. damned i'm good.

the greatest BBQ i never went to

so here i am, little old me, sitting at my desk researching books about web design for kids (there aren't many, let me tell you) ... and my friend comes over and tells me that the guys outside are barbecuing. now, we have these guys who hang out nextdoor. i don't know much about them, but i've heard they are nefarious types in a "questionable" line of work. so when my friend comes to tell me that "guys" are barbecuing "outside" i mistakenly assume that she means outside as in on their own property. so i shrug this off and go back to my research (do you know the only book i could find was from 2004? i'm sure web design has changed since then) anyway, she then returns and says she is concerned that they may be barbecuing on our property. so i investigate.
there is not a shadow of doubt that they are on our property. they are standing directly in front of the floor to ceiling windows that separate the library from the courtyard where we have two trees and a small sitting area. this can only be our property. and there they are, about 7 guys with a bbq ablaze. they've set up a small folding table. they're passing around aluminum pans filled with various meats. i've never seen anything like it.

now, i am a tough cookie. and i don't mind confronting patrons when i need to. but there is no amount of money that will get me outside telling these guys that they can't bbq here. have i mentioned that my 2 supervisors are out of the building and i am in charge right now? yeah.

as i said in an earlier post the environment here has changed as of late, and i am enjoying my job much more. however, i am not willing to put myself in harm's way for my job. nuh uh.

at first i thought i would just call the police. then, i decided i would call official library security. well, they were quite impressed with this predicament! i was told that security would be coming over to alert these fine gentlemen that bbqing on our property is not allowed. you know, insurance reasons. but as for now, it is still going on. maybe you'd like to stop by. i hear they just put steaks on the grill.

goodbye crackhead

beloved blog readers, i know it is hard to believe, but i am not perfect. this morning although i left on time i did not leave early enough. so when i hit bumper to bumper traffic due to an accident on the grand central i was 10 minutes late to my meeting with mr. higher up. i called to alert him of my impending lateness, as i feel that is the professional thing to do, but i think it was the nail in my library-in-da-hood coffin.
anyway, i pleaded my case like a trooper. i explained my situation in a highly professional manner, hitting on three main points.
1. there are severe philosophical differences between me and the manager (please read: the manager is mean and i am not)
2. i get sick and then use sick time. is this actually against library policy?
3. it has come to my attention that the manager criticizes my job performance to other employees, but does not discuss these issues with me. (please read: the manager talks shit behind my back)
anyway, here is what went down: mr. higher up said that he was there to listen to what i had to say. but at the same time i should know that most likely no immediate action would be taken as he would need to speak to others, and that i should be warned that most likely i would not get any instant satisfaction from the meeting. fine.
on point1 he said that although he and i share the same philosophy (ie non-meanness) if the manager wants to be mean to people she can because she is the manager.
on point 2 he said that i can be penalized for using sick time even if it is documented, if said sick time use gets in the way of branch functions. he said he would look into this matter and report back to me.
on point 3 he was very concerned about the trash-talking and agreed that it is unacceptable and he will be looking into it.
he also said that he has been told by the manager that i am chronically late (untrue!) and that i am unreliable due to illness. he said it didn't help that i was late to my own meeting. (damned it! why didn't i leave even earlier?)
then he said that the branch librarian "isn't going anywhere." so there go my dreams of me staying at library in the hood and her packing her bags. he also said that i cannot transfer until june, when my one-year probation is up.
so what does this mean?
i think i am not a good fit for the library-bureaucracies. in the end i always think, "but i do a such a good job!" and sadly the Bureaucracy sees things differently. a highly devoted youth services librarian is not of value to them if she has a sinus problem and is too self-confident to sell herself short.
so today as i was walking up to the branch thinking of where i will be sending my resumes to, i ran into our local crackhead. we really only have one crackhead here and she's very nice. sometimes she comes in with white lips and takes a nap at our tables, but usually she's pretty alert. i said hi, and she said "hey baby!" and i walked into the library thinking, "i will miss that crackhead."

the giving and getting of digits

today i had a class visit in which i showcased a variety of revolutionary war biographies. it went very well, except for the fact that none of the kids can ever remember to bring their library cards. this is rather annoying since after painstakingly researching revolutionary war titles and pulling them all from the shelves, i have to now put them all back. or to be more accurate, i have to make my page put them all back. anyway, while the class was in the program room, reading the books i had selected for them, a man came up to the desk.
man: is that a classroom in there?
me: no, it's a program room. we just have a class visiting.
man: you teach in there?
me: no, we have programs. like class visits, and homework help and crafts and stuff.
man: you're a teacher?
me: no. i'm a librarian. this is a library.
man: i was hoping you could tell me the benefits of getting a library card.
me: (starting to wonder if this guy is "for real") well, if you had a library card you could take out movies or music cds or books or magazines or use our computers. and it's all free as long as you return your items on time. (isn't the library grand?)
man: free? but how much does it cost to get a library card?
me: (chipper as can be) its free! you just have to return your items on time and you'll never have to pay for anything.
after a little convicing i am able to persuade him into getting a card. so he goes off to get a card and then returns a little while later.
man: i'd like to talk to you some more. ask you a few more questions.
me: (starting to get scared) okay.
man: no. (pause for creepy effect) i want to talk to you on the phone.
me: i don't think so.
man: why don't you give me your phone number.
me: absolutely not.
man: well, can i give you my number?
me: you can do what you want, but i'm not going to call you
man: (starting to write down his phone number) i think you'll change your mind
me: nah, i won't change my mind.
man: oh, i think i'll be hearing from you
me: not gonna happen
and i take the piece of scrap paper he wrote his number on and immediately throw it in the trash as he walks away.

i heart buses

i think i may have mentioned how glorious my new commute is. but today when i got on the bus which i conveniently catch ride outside my house, it was filled with people. usually it's empty. then we get on the bqe and it is bumper to bumper traffic and everything is chaos. so i wind up getting to work 20 minutes late, but instead of people being mad, everyone is thrilled that i showed up at all. (who wouldn't love it here?) turns out that all the subways in brooklyn and queens are flooded and everyone that takes a subway to work can't come in. oooooh, my fabulous bus commute saves the day! i am left in charge of the children's room! so in honor of buses i would like to tell you all a story of one of my all-time favorite patrons to hate ... the bus lady.

when i worked at albany public, there were many patrons that used the bus system. it was a pretty decent bus system. many people didn't have cars and were able to use buses as their primary source of transportation. so one day this woman came in, probably in her sixties, and started yelling at me that "they" hadn't put up her flyer. she was wearing a ratty old coat and a see-through purple plastic rain bonnet. the piece de resistance of this ensemble was a handmade embroidered pin that read "i heart buses." oh, how i learned to dread when i saw that pin.

so as she approached the desk, i noticed that my other co-workers all seemed to take a large step back, leaving me to help this woman. turns out she headed a "bus group" who met once a month to discuss various bus issues. and she wanted to know why her bus group flyers weren't posted yet. because really, if the public knew in advance about this bus group she was certain that many many more members would be flooding the group. breaking down the doors even.

i explained calmly and rationally that the library had to approve all flyers before they were posted and that they were approved in the order they are received. her flyer at the time was on the bottom of the pile. so she went off in a huff.

i soon learned that she was a regular, and few days she would come in with a bus related complaint. "is the meeting room reserved for my bus meeting?" she'd ask. "i called last week to reserve it."
"yes, it's still reserved for you."

"where are my flyers? why aren't you promoting my group?"

and every month on and on about the flyers and the important work her group was doing. everything else going on in the library paled in comparison to the urgentness of the bus group.

but my favorite encounter with her was one cold snowy day in december she came up to the desk and asked if we'd be open on christmas. i told her no, we would be closed christmas eve and christmas day.

"christmas eve and christmas day," she said, appalled. "why do you need to be closed both days?"

"we hardly ever close ma'am," i told her, which was true. there were only a handful of holidays the library actually closed on.

"where will the people go?!"

"ummm," i said, kinda confused. "i guess they'll just have to stay home those days? maybe with their families?"

"that's not right!" she screamed, then stormed off. i believe i shouted "happy holidays" at her as she skulked away into the sunset.

this probably isn't funny, but it's kind of funny ... years later, a friend of mine emailed me to tell me that the bus lady was hit by a bus. ironic, no?

an old man vows to never be curteous again. according to neighbrhood librarian he was not polite to begin with.

i just want to tell you that a little old man threw a crumpled ball of paper at me when i told him that there was no way for me to give him an extra nine minutes on the internet computer, even though he lost nine minutes due to the computer freezing and needing to be re-booted. it's not my fault. there is just no way to award someone an extra nine minutes. i did all i could. but when i explained that i simply did not have the power to do something like that, he yelled that from this moment on he will NEVER be polite or helpful to anyone anywhere ever again. because of me. and my unhelpfulness. then he crumpled up his computer appointment receipt and threw it at me. oh the poetic justice.

hell's library: we hate dogs and peanuts

these people are insane!

ok, now that i've gotten that out of my system. a man comes into the library walking a medium sized dog on a leash. (what's with the dog theme today?) i look over at the circulation clerk and we roll our eyes at each other. i approach the man and politely say "excuse me sir, i'm sorry, but there are no animals allowed in the library." easy enough, right? of course not. the man turns to me, and immediately i know i am entering into a fight.

so crazy ass patron looks at me and says "you stand here and listen while i tell you this." whoa. dude, you have already pushed me too far. gloves are off now. "i have been coming to the library for years and the library has always welcomed dogs."

i cheerfully explain that it is against library policy to have animals of any kind in the library unless they are service animals. you know, like a guide dog or something.

then he goes on and on about how some librarian a million years ago said he could bring his dog here and i couldn't possibly know what i'm talking about.

so i tell him that i will gladly show him the brochure of the library's rules and policies in which it clearly states that no animals are allowed. so i do that. helpfully circling the rule in bright blue pen so he can't miss it. aren't i helpful?

but he keeps going. it is just so unfair that his dog is not allowed in the building. so i state the many reasons why it is a bad idea to have a dog in the library: it's unsanitary, a dog could bite a person, many people are allergic to dogs, etc. can you believe i even have to say these things to a grown man?

somehow, i have touched on a hot button issue because as soon as i say "allergic" he gets all rowdy accusing me of "being one of those people who would ban peanuts from schools just because one kid is allergic." now, if there is one thing i hate it is a person who does not understand the gravity of nut allergies. so i explain to him that as a person who goes into anaphylactic shock when i eat a nut (although i am actually only allergic to walnuts) i completely understand why peanuts are banned from schools. he looks at me as though i am wholly evil and unamerican for saying this. like i'm banning apple pie as opposed to trying to save children from peanut-induced death.

he storms off in a huff, tethering his dog outside. but then he comes back to fight some more with me. and i stand firm that it is totally appropriate to ban animals from a library, explaining that most buildings do not allow animals in them. then he asks, outraged, "what's next?! are you going to ban dogs from the sidewalk?!" yes. i have that power. i will ban dogs from the sidewalk. and then i will ban people who walk too slow. for his finale, he states, "it's not the rule itself, but the fact that you enjoy enforcing it so much." what do you want me to do asshole, shed a single tear over the injustice of it all? just take your dog outside.

URGH!

attention all bachelors: if you marry me i can make you a millionaire

mr. bank robbing priest casanova man says that if he had a wife like me he would already be a millionaire. i must look terribly confused because then he elaborates, "you'd keep me on track and make sure i'm always achieving stuff." well, even though he is insane that is kind of sweet. then he tells me that if i have a dog he would be happy to paint my dog's portrait for a very reasonable price. just the price of the canvas! he loves painting doggy portraits that much! sadly, i do not have a dog but if anybody out there is looking for someone to paint a portrait of their pooch i've got your man.

when crazies help crazies

there is a phenomenon which happens often at the public library: crazies helping crazies. you see, you'll have one crazy that you're trying to deal with. then, another crazy will come up and need help too. now, instead of waiting their turn, one crazy will take it up themselves to "jump in" and help the other crazy. i mean, c'mon. this mentally ill person hangs out at the library everyday. he or she knows the ins and outs of the system. no reason why he or she can't make themselves useful. this situation is quite dangerous because once the crazies start interacting with each other chaos is imminent.

so mr. bank robbing priest casanova man comes in (do you like how these nicknames are getting longer and longer?) and when he is not in need of help he kind of likes to just hover around the desk and chat with me whenever i'm free. lovely. so while i am looking up photoshop classes for him a second crazy walks up muttering to herself about using the computer and needing the internet. i ignore her mutterings. mutterings do not count as actual communication with me. but mr. bank robbing priest casanova man decides that he will explain to her how the computer system works. so he starts explaining it to her, but she isn't paying attention at all because he is not behind the desk. i'm behind the desk. then i interupt him and tell him that when it is her turn i will help this woman. by this point the woman looks thoroughly confused.

after i help the woman the ever-lovely EJ comes in. what a day. and he needs help looking for CPR videos. so in addition to auditioning for jeopardy, studying for the GED, and finding a talent show to compete in, he is now also learning CPR. well, i will rest easy at night knowing that i am in good hands if i go into cardiac arrest. urgh. so i explain to him where the video is but he says he can't find it because his eyes are bad and the "lady over there is mean." i do not know which lady he is referring to. anyway, out comes mr. bank robbing priest casanova, offering to walk EJ to the video section and show him where the video is. and you know what, dear blog readers? i let him because the less i deal with EJ the better. but do you see how working at hell's library so closely resembles working in an asylum? one more day to go.

yes, i liken you to scrap paper

so drunk asshole man from last week comes into the library again, but this time i am prepared. he is no match for me. he approaches the desk and asks if i can give him some paper to write on. i tell him we have scrap paper he can use, and i point to the shelf behind him where there is a large wooden tray that has the words "scrap paper," in big bold print.
"are you saying i'm only worthy of scrap?" he asks.
"yes," i say, "and the scrap paper is right behind you."
"hey little lady," he begins, "i didn't think you would start off being so rude."
"well," i tell him, "i remember you from last week. the scrap paper is on the shelf behind you."
so he plays all innocent, like he doesn't remember me threatening to have the police escort him out of the building last thursday. "why, what could i have done?
"i'm not going to get into this discussion," i say and extend my arm straight out. "the scrap paper is on the shelf behind you."
so he goes on a bumbling search for the scrap paper, passing the shelf which is the only thing behind him. he stumbles into the computer area, bumping into patrons and asking them if they know where the scrap paper is.
at this point i shout, "sir, it's on the shelf. right here. the shelf. right here. where i am pointing." it could not be more obvious.
then surrounding patrons begin pointing to the clearly-marked scrap paper bin which sits atop the only shelf in the vacinity. "right there," they exclaim and point, "on the shelf!"
finally he locates the shelf, "oh, scrap paper!" he says, reading the large sign, "i see."
then he sits down at a table, muttering to himself, forcing a nice elderly man to evacuate his seat next to him.
"i just like to talk to the pretty little girl," he says, as the elderly man finds a new place to sit on the other side of the library.
and then my replacement showed up and i got to leave for lunch.

friday ...

1. a drunk man asked me why i look like all the girls in berlin
2. a little old lady got mad at me because i refused to help her adjust her scarf (am i a bitch?)
3. an entitled upper east side snob yelled "I KNOW WHO'S RESPONSIBLE! WE ALL HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES!" when i told her that she is responsible for remembering to return her videos ... not us.

i am a lovely little girl

he sees me as he enters the library and he begins his incoherent mumblings about how lovely i am. he approaches the desk and says, "you're a lovely little girl."

little girl. like i'm delivering him two boxes of thin mints.

"thanks," i say, with as little enthusiasm as humanly possible.

"don't thank me!" he says, clearly getting excited by our lively exchange. "i wasn't there! i had no part of it." (note to single men: this type of behavior will never get you any play) "that was your momma and daddy and GOD!"

"yeah, ok, well can i help you with something?"

his eyes brighten and i swear to you he begins to make a sound which i can only describe as yelping.

"yes, help. help. help. help," he squeaks, trying to be cute but failing miserably because he is an oily haired toothless psycho and i am an normal attractive woman.

"yeah, that's great," i say, "what do you want?"

so we go through the song and dance of him wanting a book and me finding said book but us not having it at this branch and blah blah blah he doesn't have a library card. so i send him to the circulation desk, where he spews crazy at them for a while. there is some shouting. then he decides to take a seat at the table right opposite of little old me. oh joy.

so as i try to help legitimate patrons with legitimate questions, he entertains himself with his little mentally unbalanced passtimes. he empties all the contents out of his pockets. he drops change on the table and watches it roll around, screaming "money!"

all very charming. oh, and did i mention that between rantings he throws in a "you're so lovely" or a "you really are beautiful" or a "damned you're pretty." so very charming.

after a few minutes of this i tell him that if he cannot be quiet he will have to leave. and then, my beloved readers, he tells me that he would rather flirt with me instead. lucky me.

soon after this our ever-vigilant security guard notices that something is awry, and he comes over and reiterates that the man must be quiet or leave. so this guy gets up like he's going to leave. but instead of leaving he stands directly in front of me. he's standing, looming over the desk like he has a question to ask me, but he doesn't ask me anything. he just stands there staring at me. so i try to pretend like i am doing something, and the security guard tells him that if he doesn't have a question he must sit down and be quiet.

"no," he counters. "i don't have to do anything. i just want to look at this beautiful girl here."

and this dear readers was my breaking point. "sir ... " i begin.

"oh, no need to call me sir," he says, "my name's benny."

"i don't care ... you need to sit down and be quiet or LEAVE!"

so then he tells me again that i really am beautiful. you know, in case i doubted him before.

"sir!" i interupt, "i am not above calling the police and having them escort disruptive patrons out of the library. you NEED to leave."

and then he walked off into the sunset, turning back to face me as he passed through our security gates and stuck out his tongue at me.

have i ever mentioned that i paid $35,000 to get a Masters in Library Science so that i would be qualified for this type of work?

so many girlfriends, so little time

i got a call from everyone's favorite group home resident, the ever-so talented and charming EJ. EJ was telling me of his woes. he has known a lot of girls, wink wink. he has had so many girlfriends, but none of them have worked out. i can only wonder why. today, EJ was looking for social groups where men and women might go on "outings" in order to date. "like, singles events?" i ask cautiously. this pleases EJ, "yes!" he shrieks, "that's it exactly. singles events. i asked my aides to help me but they said they're too busy. i need singles events!" so i explained to him this newfangled thing we have called online dating and i told him to sign himself up on match or eharmony. (ha ha suckers with match or eharmony profiles!) he seemed a bit confused, and he asked if he could call information if he needed help. i, of course, doing my civic duty and wishing to spread the joy around, assured him that calling information would be an excellent thing for him to do if he required additional assistance. so, if you are an operator for 411 or you are an on-line dater and you happen across a man who is studying for his GED, waiting impatiently for his videos on 70s rock so he can be on jeopardy, and is currently single (that's right ladies!) ... it may just be the industrious, illustrious EJ.

libraries are boring places for boring people like me

at least, that's what a drunken homeless man told me when i yelled at him for singing in the library. "don't worry about it," he told me, "it's okay." i could hear him singing before he even entered the library. "no, it's not okay ... STOP SINGING!" then he locked himself in the bathroom and began belting out what i can only assume will one day be his off-key masterpiece. then i pounded on the door and yelled such phrases as "you need to leave this building NOW!" .... typical saturday stuff, you know the rest i'm sure.

a man of many hats

to recap: a man claiming to be a bank robbing priest, returning from his completed sentence at Sing Sing asked me to help him check his e-mail. then he brings flowers for some other flousy librarian. TWICE. then i find out that he's a regular and has most likely not been incarcerated. today he tells me that a local art gallery will be displaying his work and he has invited me to come to his art opening. he says i can bring a friend if i like. isn't that special.