trouble, with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pool

i'm sure all you locals have heard the sad sad plans to turn mccarren park pool back into a *shudder at the thought* functioning swimming pool. the worst part about it is that as far as i can tell no one is doing anything to save our beloved broken down, graffitied, water-free oasis.

i went to the mccarren pool site and they have a link to something called poolaid. "poolaid!," i thought, "thank goodness someone has already created a group to save our pool so that i don't have to do any hard work myself!" but DO NOT BE FOOLED! this poolaid actually wants to have a real pool. (and shame on you mccarren pool website for publishing their link. don't you want to save the concerts and movies which you promote?)

pool aid is a "group of people who live in Greenpoint and Williamsburg and think that paying $52 for a concert in a public park is ridiculous." oh ... well then we are in agreement, no? i would never pay $52 to see devo in a public park. that is why i attend the free concerts EVERY sunday! is that not enough? a free concert every freaking sunday? and there are plenty of cheaper shows. for instance, the black keys show (which i have tickets for!) is only $29.50. and wouldn't you rather see the black keys anyway?

and what about the absolutely free movies that they show every tuesday night. i love that i live in a neighborhood where i can come home from work (because i work for a living; we are not all trust fund kids) and go see Desperately Seeking Susan outside on a warm summer night, while my friends and i picnic in a beautiful urban wasteland of crumbling concrete, sitting on cushions generously handed out by scion (thank you scion! i am saving my cushion for when they show Velvet Goldmine!).

then poolaid goes on to say that they "want to see everyone in the neighborhood attending events at the pool, not just hipsters." you know what? i am sick of this kind of anti-hipsterism. i hate manorexics in skinny jeans and oversized steve urkele glasses as much as the next person. but we live here too, damnit! we are just as much a part of the community as anyone else. i'm paying an arm and a leg to live here and i deserve some rights! but i do believe in sharing. i'm all for having a more well-rounded calendar of events. maybe have some children's events. maybe one day a week could be a polish themed event. there's no limit to what could be done. it's a gigantic empty pool for christ's sake! but alas, the poolaid people actually want to swim in the swimming pool. why i've never heard anything so ludicrous.

what to do? what to do? apparently, there was a petition at the parks and recreation website. sadly the time period for that is over. but you can still send an e-mail to Adrian Benepe, CommissionerDepartment of Parks & Recreation.

also, jelly nyc has created a pettition to create a concert space at the proposed bushwick inlet park. don't worry, this park would not actually be in bushwick. the proposed plans have the site spanning from north 9th to quay st. which would be awesome, but considering how fascist they are at the adjacent east river park, i'm not holding my breathe for the creation of a concert space. i'm sure they would have all sorts of strange overbearing rules, like no synth pop after 6:37 pm, and crowd surfing only between the hours of 2:15 and 3:45.

but i ask you, my beloved blog readers, please send e-mails and sign petitions. even though it may be fruitless. i don't think we should lose our abandoned pool without a fight.

corrections

it has been brought to my attention that the missing haggadahs were in fact packed in a box by my brother, who then covered said box with large amounts of my sister-in-law's school items (which she is not in the habit of using with any frequency). lest there be any confusion.

another passover mystery solved

just to keep you all in the loop, my sister-in-law found the missing haggadahs from passover. turns out they were in her house the whole time. so i apologize if any family members think i may have accused them of shamelessly stealing our haggadahs. (but know that i'm watching you! i haven't seen my menorah in a while ....)

butterfly liberation day

so today i threw out about 6 cocoons which i deem to be dead. then i made little signs for the kids to color that say "goodbye butterflies" in celebration of butterfly liberation day. yay! get these butterflies out of here before there are anymore casualties. yay!
when it came time to release the butterflies a few kids noticed old gimpy. well, i told the kids that gimpy would have to fend for himself out in the wild. maybe the fresh (ahem) air will do him good.
so we all walked outside holding our signs and i opened up the butterfly atrium ... one go-getter flew out immediately while the others just fluttered around. then all the kids shouted, "see! they like it in there!" but alas, i pushed those guys outta there. poor gimpy wasn't able to fly out so i put my hand in there and he crawled onto my finger and i transfered him to a nearby plant. we'll see if he's still there tomorrow morning.
thus concludes our All About Butterflies program.

butterfly update and i heart free stuff part II

i just went to check in on my butterflies and my crippled little guy was standing near the plums! i hope he was able to get some nurishment so that he can finally free himself. poor little guy. but it only proves that my plum idea was nothing short of a complete stroke of brilliance.

in other news, i would like to tell you why i am completely in love with sephora. i just placed an order and not only did i get to choose three free samples, but because i am in their insider beauty club i was offered a DELUXE free sample of this fancy pants mascara. and then, THEN, i remembered that i had gotten an email offering me yet another exclusive deal, so i was able to enter this secret code and get 7 free eye shadow samples. SEVEN! oh i am so excited. my eyes will be to die for. you just wait.

2 out of 5 butterflies

here are a couple of our winged friends. aren't they pretty? some of them are starting to fly around a bit. the others are a bit more lazy. and there is one that seems to be half stuck in its coccoon still. i have no idea how to help the little guy. our kit came with a spritz bottle to "mist" the cocoons with. so i've been trying to mist him, but i have no idea if that is helpful or annoying. there are still about 6 cocoons left and i have no idea if they will ever hatch. grrrr.
also, i'm not quite sure if the butterflies are eating. according to the directions the butterflies won't eat for the first 24 hours. but then after that they should drink sugar water. well, i have set up sugar water and i don't see any takers so far. so this morning i decided to put a few small pieces of fruit in there as well. now, don't go flying off the handle. i didn't just come up with this idea out of nowhere. it is based on my extensive butterfly knowledge. i once went to this butterfly sanctuary where butterflies flew free and would land on your face (as shown below. please note my ever-changing hair color. how many of my beloved blog readers know i was once a redhead?) anyway, one thing i noticed at the butterfly sanctuary was that every so often they would have some slices of watermelon around and the butterflies would flock to it and unroll their little tongues onto it. our butterflies have little tongues too! i saw one! he was licking the side of the netterd butterfly atrium. that is how i came up with this theory that the butterflies are hungry. possibly starving. so i think it is completely reasonable that i put a few pieces of plum in the atrium. i even squeezed some extra plum juice onto the pieces to make them extra enticing. i do not want ravenous butterflies on my hands.

butterfly excitement

since my last post:

A) i have deduced that the butterflies are in fact butterflies, and not months
B) more butterflies have hatched, giving us a grand total of FIVE butterflies

it was actually quite amazing ... i was reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar to the kids and while i was reading it we head a fluttering from the butterfly atrium. lo and behold there was a SECOND butterfly there. it was very exciting. and then the other butterfly started flying around a bit and we saw that when the butterflies open their wings they're all pretty and orange inside. then this morning when i came in we have 5! i took some pictures with my camera, i'll post them soon. but it's all very exciting.

so although i am still disappointed with this whole project, and will most likely still write a letter to butterfly gifts complaining that 2/3 of our caterpillars died, i am now much happier. and the kids have already forgotten about their dead caterpillars and are joyously embracing our few butterflies.

butterfly or moth? you decide

today i arrived at work to find that one butterfly had hatched. unfortunately, i didn't have my camera with me so you'll have to suffer through this picture i took with my phone. you can't tell by this picture because the color isn't quite right, but this "butterfly" is actually brown. now, it hasn't spread its wings yet so maybe it's all beautiful and colorful on the inside. but so far this butterfly looks pretty moth-like. i am wondering if we were given moths by mistake. supposedly, these are supposed to be painted lady butterflies, as shown below. but i think there is a distinct difference between the two. don't you agree? this will all go into the well-crafted letter that i will be writing to Butterfly Gifts when this project is over.

meet norman, the newest resident of the paradise

have i told you i refer to my new apartment as the paradise? well, i do. and here is a shot of my new fabulous kitchen table, norman. (remember norman? i found him on norman ave on the greatest weekend in brooklyn?) here he is, a sight to behold! and my kitchen isn't too shabby either. a big improvement from my old kitchen which was also the dining room, living room, and bathroom hallway.

caterpillar graveyard

in a sad turn of events, it seems that more than half our caterpillars are dead. yes dead. at least i think they're dead. maybe they are just making cocoons very slowly, while laying stiffly on the ground. that's possible, no?

about a third of them have created coccoons and i was able to transfer these coccons to the netted butterfly "atrium" shown here. i can only hope that by some miracle of nature the rest of the caterpillars will make cocoons over the weekend. wouldn't that be swell? much more swell than me having to tell a bunch of kids that their caterpillars died and will never reach their butterfly destinies.

indoor playground: day 3

today was yet another successful day of indoor playground. again, masking tape is a beautiful thing. this time, i taped off two lanes and then set up 5 empty soda bottles at one end. (notice how i have separated the lanes with an aisle of the miniscule chairs! oh you never know when the miniscule chairs will pop up!) anyway, we had 16 kids in total. they were all cheering and clapping and having a grand old time. our top three scorers on each team won prizes, and all the other kids got bug stickers for participating. a fun time was had by all.

greatest brooklyn weekend ever

let me tell you about my amazing weekend:

first, on friday i was attacked by allergies and had to go home from work early. this was not great. but i loaded up on allergy meds and wound up sleeping from 4 pm to 9 pm. then i watched movies for a while and went back to sleep. needless to say, my sleep cycle was all messed up because of the 5 hours of midday sleeping.

so saturday i awoke at 7:45 am. and that is where the greatness began. i decided that i would make good use of my time and go to a yoga class at the gym. after yoga i returned home and got ready for my brunch with the naked heroes. the naked heroes were very impressed that i had already been so productive.

anyhoo, the NH and i discussed their wedding plans and we had a fine time joking around while also getting much planning accomplished. then, as we were walking back from lunch i spotted the most perfect kitchen table. it's a 50s style retro dinette table with a formica top and chrome legs. it was in excellent condition, with the legs neatly tied together with twine, and a plastic bag with all the screws taped to the back. amazing. i was so nervous it would be gone by the time i got my car back there. i biked home, got my car, drove back and lo and behold it was STILL THERE. of course now it is in my kitchen. yay! it even has a leaf so we can extend it for dinner paries (ie potluck bring your own chair parties). i have named the table norman since i found him on norman ave.

then i drove to this vintage clothing store that was going out of business and i got a fancy dress for the wedding as well as a pair of knee high boots. i was able to haggle the woman down to $50! total! for both dress and boots! (dress and boots are about a $250 value!)

then i went home and the roomie and i assembled the table. then we ate sushi and watched 90210. after 90210 we biked into town to catch the naked heroes playing at the charleston. then we got frozen yogurt and walked through this church festival where they have a strange religious totem pole devoted to jesus and mary. and there were doo-wop singers. and a wee man who was either a hipster or a hobbit. we are still unsure. there was also an incident in which we could not identify if a young man was a hipster or a magician. but i think the roommate is right that he is a hipster and not an amateur magician.

then we went to a party where i opened a can of whoop-ass on a young whipper snapper who thought he knew about pearl jam (he saw them in 2001! please! give me a break! this kid was in diapers back when pearl jam were actually good) i was a little mean, but whatevs.

then i got home at about 3:30 and went to bed. mind you, this was all just on saturday.

sunday i woke up all excited because it was BREEDERS DAY!!! i have now decided that breeders day is my christmas. anyway, even though i only had about 5 hours of sleep i sprung out of bed and met the gang for pre-breeders brunch. then we went to the pool and we watched dodge ball and went on the bouncy castle slip and slide (please note that this was an event for adults and there were only a minimal amount of children around). we sat on towels and listened to opening bands and then finally the breeders came on. they were so good. they closed with my favorite song, saints. so good. then i went to miss fifi's house for homemade icecream. after which i rode home, had a 2 hour phone conversation, and then passed out.

and that dear blog readers was my fabulous weekend.

forever a third

hey miss dewey decimal ... how much of your novel do you have written?

why dear blog readers, thanks for asking. i am a third of the way finished.

really? only a third? why is that?

well, i'll tell you dear blog readers. it's because i love to procrastinate. here is a rough approximation of this evening's activities. mind you, when i left work i had every intention to go to the coffeeshop and write.
6:30 arrive home
6:32 change into tank top and shorts
6:35 have epiphany that i have enough ingredients in the house to actually cook a meal
6:40 begin cooking
7:10 sit down to watch tv and eat food which i prepared MYSELF
7:30 continue to watch tv even though i am finished eating
8:00 do dishes
8:10 realize that i am actually very tired and do not want to go to coffeeshop. decide i will stay home and begin writing immediately
8:15 after staring at hair in mirror decide to put back my purple streak
8:15-8:35 dye hair
8:40 walk to deli to buy soy milk and fruit. on an impulse, i purchase an iced coffee
(my 9th coffee!)
8:55 begin writing
9:30 pat self on the back for figuring out how to footnote within a footnote
9:45 decide to take pictures of my hair for the blog
10:00 go back to writing
10:30 check email
10:45 check out my mom's blogger profile
11:00 call mom to tell her blogger profile is hysterical
11:30 decide to write a blog post while simultaneously sending text messages

and that dear blog readers is why you will not be reading my novel any time soon. sorry. but look at how cute my hair looks! it was looking a little too light before, no? needed a splash of color, don't ya think?

indoor playground: day 2

"what am i looking at, miss dewey decimal?" well i'll tell you, dear blog reader ... you are looking at my masking tape hopscotch game i made on the carpet of our program room. oh, there is no end to my clever cleverness. i made two of these so that many kids could play at once. we also had two tables set up with jacks, which my assistant taught the kids how to play since i had no idea.

now i hate to brag (this is wholly untrue, i love bragging) but i am really good at hopscotch. i haven't played in about 22 years, but when i started hopping i was amazed how it all came back to me. the kids were impressed. i made it all the way to ten in no time. but this is about the kids, who were also decent at hopscotch, and had a blast jumping around and playing games. it was pretty cool.

i guess i have to play the game

this week we had our first two Summer Reading Club meetings. the first meeting was for kindergarten through 3rd grade. i read them some picture books and we talked about what books they've been reading. then we made a cute butterfly stick puppet with a butterfly on one side and a caterpillar on the other. it was pretty sweet.

then yesterday we had the meeting for the 3rd through 6th graders (i know, i am letting the 3rd graders attend TWO meetings). now, for a long time i have wanted to read the older kids a real book. you know, something that is actually on their grade level. i remember being in school and having books read to me like The Secret Garden or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. and at that time, dear blog readers i was not much of a reader myself. i loved being read to but i didn't like reading myself. so i have longed to read a book like that to my kids, but i have feared that they wouldn't pay attention or would misbehave and it would end in disaster and i would feel sad.

but yesterday ... oh yesterday! i started reading them The Sisters Grimm, which is one of my favorite new children's books (omg, i just found out book six has already been released! yay!). anyway, they seemed to enjoy it. i only read half of the first chapter because i figured less is more. but at the end i asked them a question regarding the plot and it was obvious from their answers that they were indeed acutally paying attention! yay! i am so excited! then afterwards we made fortune tellers (you know how i love to make fortune tellers) but instead of fortunes we put questions about books (fyi to librarians: i got the book review/fortune teller template from the nys summer reading manual). so when they were done they all paired up and asked each other questions about a book they had read (or about Sisters Grimm if they hadn't read a book themselves). they totally dug it and the group of 12 or so kids were interviewing each other about books. i am amazing. seriously amazing.

on a sadder note, although i have about 100 kids signed up for the summer reading club, i was told that They will not be happy with our numbers because not many of our kids are reporting the books they read. you see, they are supposed to sign in online and report all the books they read. now, a few of our go-getter kids are doing this. they are even writing book reviews. but most of them are not. and many of them are reading little books here and there and could be logging them in, but most of them choose not to. why? because it isn't very fun. when they go on the computer they want to play games or sneak onto myspace or print up pictures of soulja boy. some of them are writing down the books they read in these little summer reading logs that we get, but i was told that this doesn't count. it must be reported officially. why print thousands of summer reading logs for the kids if you just want them to log them into the computer? beats me.

at first i was annoyed by this whole thing, viewing it as The Man sucking the fun out of summer reading. but i have now realized that since i've decided to stay and have passed my probation, i probably need to "play the game" a little. (but not too much because you know my rebellious spirit cannot be vanquished) i will try to encourage more kids report books online. i'm not sure how to accomplish this. but i think bribery will be in order.

all about butterflies: day 1

first off, i am happy to report that the kids did really well on my fourth of july trivia challenge. they remembered a lot of the answers, and afterwards we played a "game" in which we tried to name as many states as possible. eventually we got to all 50, with a lot of prodding from my assistant and i. but a good time was had by all.

yesterday we had our first All About Butterflies meeting. 22 kids showed up, and each kid got their own caterpillar in a cup. first we had a discussion about the life cycle of a caterpillar and i reiterated the rules of proper caterpillar care (ie: do not shake your caterpillar). then all the kids named their caterpillars and made little place cards for them. then we did a coloring sheet about caterpillars and butterflies. the whole thing was super cute. and i told the kids that any time they are in the library they can visit their caterpillar. next monday we will do another caterpillar/butterfly related activity (to be determined), but it is possible they may already be in cocoons by then! oh, these caterpillars grow up so fast.

p.s. All About Butterflies was the highlight of my day yesterday. the rest of the day was kind of horrendous. i won't even go into an incident i had with an employee stealing candy from the children. nope, not even going to mention it.

a frightening fourth of july tale

ah yes, it's that time again. what time is it, miss dewey decimal? oh, it's time to shudder at the lack of education which my kids are receiving! yay!

before we begin i have decided that whenever a holiday is coming up we will spend the ENTIRE MONTH of that holiday learning what the holiday means. do you know my kids STILL don't know what the mayflower is? grrrrr.

yesterday we made a fourth of july craft. it involved splattering paint on paper so that it looked like fireworks. it was very fun. and before the craft began my assistant made the mistake of asking a 5th grade girl what the meaning of fourth of july is. she looked at us, stunned, as if we asked her to explain the theory of relativity. then, a 7th grade girl came in, so we asked her the same question. and she said, "fourth of july is a time to spend time with your family because they love you?"

so then i gave the girls two books on the fourth of july. these two books were on a 2nd grade reading level. i told them to read the books and then tell me what the fourth of july is about. after about two minutes they both reported that they could now tell me what the fourth of july means.
me: oh yeah? why do we celebrate the fourth of july
5th grader: this guy he was in charge and he told these people something and then the declaration of independence.
me: that makes absolutely no sense. if i were a kid and i came up to you and said, "hey what is the fourth of july? what would you say?"
5th grader: [silence]
7th grader: it's like a time that you spend with your family and go on picnics?
me: that is not what it says in those books. read those books. work together. discuss. then i want you to make a presentation to me about why we celebrate the fourth of july.

so they read and i saw them taking notes and i thought that they were finally getting it. then the 7th grader asked me if she can copy something from the book.

me: i can read the book. if i wanted to read the book, i'd read the book myself. i want you to tell me what the fourth of july means. in your words. it doesn't have to be formal. it doesn't have to be a long report. it could be one sentence explaining why we celebrate this holiday.


she groans and then goes back to writing. then, about ten minutes later they tell me that they are done. so i tell them they should practice what they're going to say and that in a little while we will start the craft and they will tell me about the fourth of july.

me: ok, before we do our craft these two lovely girls are going to tell us about the fourth of july. which one of you wants to go first.
7th grader: the fourth of july is a holiday we celebrate. we celebrate it with family and we have picnics with our family and watch fireworks.
me: that's what you said before. that wasn't in the book. that is not WHY we celebrate fourth of july.
5th grader: fourth of july was not always a holiday. it became a federal holiday in 1870.
me: [pause for more information]
me: is that it? that's true but that doesn't tell us WHY we celebrate the holiday or what it MEANS. why do we celebrate the fourth of july?!
5th grader and 7th grader: [silence]
me: i am really disappointed in you guys. i gave you those books and you obviously didn't read any of it. you can't tell me one thing about the fourth of july?
5th grader and 7th grader: [silence]
me: okay ... can anyone tell me about the fourth of july
4th grader: it's when we celebrate the statue of liberty
me: no ... but that is closer. the statue of liberty is a symbol of america. but why do we celebrate the fourth of july?
3rd grader: is that when the statue of liberty was made?
me: fourth of july really has nothing to do with the statue of liberty.

please note that none of the answers they gave mentioned the words: freedom, free country, independence, etc.

so i go into the story of the fourth of july, and along the way i ask them questions, hoping that at any moment they would be able to jump in with something, anything, they learned in school.

but sadly, they knew nothing. when i asked who ruled the colonies before we became a free country they didn't know. when i told them it was the british and then asked where the british were from, they didn't know. when i asked them what country the colonists came from one young man answered, "the south?" i then had to explain that "the south" is not a country. when i asked what the declaration of independence was the 7th grade girl said she thought it was the speech that lincoln gave. when i asked if anyone had ever heard the phrase "no taxation without representation" i was met by shrugs. and so on and so on. i tell you ... private school ... my unborn children will be going to private school.

but today is a new day! i have created some extremely basic fourth of july trivia questions and we will play trivia and they will learn a modicum of knowledge about american history. here is what i came up with. we'll see how they do.

1. In what year did the Colonists declare their independence from the British?
a. 1776
b. 1886
c. 1996
d. 2006


2. Before America became a free country, who ruled us?


3. What country are British people from (I will not accept Britain as an answer)?


4. The colonists were to become the first Americans. What country did they come from?


5. How many colonies were there?


6. Name one of the 13 colonies.


7. Name a state that was NOT one of the 13 colonies.


8. What was the main thing the colonists did not like about being ruled by the British?
hint: No [blank] without Representation


9. Who was the ruler of England during this time?


10. What was the document called that declared that the colonists would no longer be under the rule of the British?


11. What war was started by the Declaration of Independence?


12. What is it called when a group of people fight against the power that rules them?


13. What was the name of the group that wrote the Declaration of Independence?
a. The Congress of Patriots
b. The Senate
c. The Continental Congress
d. The House of Representatives


14. During the time of the Revolutionary War there were a group of colonists who wanted to remain under the rule of the British (they did NOT want to revolt and form their own country). What were they called?
a. Patriots
b. Loyalists
c. Whigs
d. Tories


15. What was the name for the colonists who wanted toform their own free independent country?
a. Patriots
b. Loyalists
c. Whigs
d. Torries
e. Americans


16. Which of the following countries assisted the colonists in winning the Revolutionary War?
a. Spain
b. Mexico
c. France
d. England


17.Who won the Revolutionary War?


18. Who designed the American Flag?


19. Which of these people were members of the Continental Congress AND signed the Declaration of Independence AND became a US President?
a. Thomas Jefferson
b. Abraham Lincoln
c. Samuel Adams



20. Which of these members of the Continental Congress, who signed the Declaration of Independence, later became a US President?
a. John Adams
b. Benjamin Franklin
c. John Hancock


21. Who was the President of the Continental Congress, but what never the president of the United States?
a. George Washington
b. Samuel Adams
c. John Hancock
d. Paul Revere


22. After The United States of America gained its independence, we received The Statue of Liberty as a gift from what country?
a. England
b. Spain
c. Mexico
d. France


23. Before the Declaration of Independence was signed there were many events in which the colonists rebelled against British rule. Which of the following events is an example of the American colonists rebelling against the British?
a. The Salem Witch Trials
b. Bastille Day
c. The Boston Tea Party
d. Battle of Bunker Hill


24. Which countries celebrate the Fourth of July?

caterpillars!

they're here! i'm so excited! later i will seperate them into individual cups, then monday we will have our first day of All About Butterflies. yay!

i hope they all don't die over the weekend.

secret blog post update

first off, i am surprised that i've only had 6 takers on my secret post. you all should be ashamed of yourselves. but thankyou APL for showing your support!

anyway, if you would like to read about more of my hijinks feel free to e-mail me again.

proud aunt

here is my beloved niece in the "i want candy" tee shirt i bought her. don't you just love her punk rock snarl? she gets that from me.

nevermind

i think everything might be okay.

there's no such thing as a free lunch ... except for our free lunches

because library in the hood is in a low income neighborhood, we qualify for a program which provides free lunches for children (children being defined as anyone under 18). you might be thinking to yourself, "wow! what a great program! the children of the ghetto need free lunches!" and by gum, i would be in total agreement with you. however, there is an employee here who does not look kindly upon this program. can you guess who it is? even with her meds re-adjusted and her mood improved, she-who-must-not-be-named frowns at feeding lunch to malnurished underpriviledged children.

so my story has two parts.
part 1: food handler training
as part of the nyc health code, anyone who handles food must go through food handler training. and apparently, distributing bagged lunches to kids counts as handling food. so we were told about a month ago that with the responsibility of giving bags of food to kids, comes the responsibility of being trained. now, there was some discussion on who would be responsible for giving out the lunches. of course it would not be she-who-must-not-be-named because she hates children. 'nuff said, no one even mentioned the possibility of her being involved. then i said that if i was around on the afternoons in question, that i would do it. our assistant manager said the same. but we also discussed the impracticality of taking our own lunch breaks and what to do on our days off etc, etc.
then there is the loophole ... employees who are unionized (all full time employees) cannot be "forced" to go to the food handler training. as opposed to the mother goose training, which is mandatory and i can be forced to learn to sing stupid songs. but i digress.
so then ms. manager decides it would be best to have our part-time employees go to the training. let me break this down for you:
we have a teen computer monitor who comes in late afternoons to help with the computers.
we have two teen pages who come in late afternoons to put away books and straighten at the end of the night.
we have my assistant who is invaluable to me, assisting at afternoon programs.
and we have our "security" woman who roughs up the trouble makers in the afternoons.
you may be asking yourself, "what's the problem, miss decimal? why not have one of them do it?"
well, i'm glad you asked. the problem with that is that NONE OF THOSE EMPLOYEES ARE IN THE BUILDING AT LUNCHTIME! furthermore, their hours are fixed and they cannot come in earlier in the day. nor can they extend their number of hours per week. does this stop she-who-must-not-be-named from signing up my assistant and the security woman for the training? no! no it does not! she signed them up for the training even though they will NEVER be working during the time the lunches are to be served.
thank you fearless leader.
as i am not in charge, i decide to ignore this. i chose to assume that there must be a logical reason for signing up these two women, and i just don't happen to know what it is. i am not in charge. it is none of my business.
so then earlier this week my assistant and the security woman are discussing how they don't understand why they're going to the training. she-who-must-not-be-named is there complaining about how she doesn't like the free lunch program. and i finally caanot help but interject.

me: wait? so you guys won't be here to give out the lunches?
assistant and secuity: no, we won't be here. you know that.
me: i assumed you guys had worked something out where you extended your hours.
a & s: no. ms. manager just told us to go because she needed to send someone.
me: well who is actually going to give out the lunches? whoever is going to give out the lunches is the one who should be sent.
a & s: (shrug)
me: (to manager) who is actually going to be giving out the lunches?
ms. manager: you see .... they can't force union employees to go to the training.
me: yeah ... i get that ... but who is actually going to be giving out the lunches? because whoever is going to give out the lunches should go to the training. it doesn't make sense to send two people who will have absolutely no involvement in the lunch program.
ms. manager: well we have to send someone! and union employees can't be forced to go to the training!
me: well am i going to be the one giving out the lunches? because if it's me i think i should go to the training instead of them. they won't even be here.
ms. manager: since you're a union employee you can't be forced to go!
me: yeah, but i'll go if i'm the one who's going to be giving out the lunches.
ms. manager: i don't see why anyone needs to be trained to give out a brown bagged lunch.
me: this is retarded.
and so on and so on until it was decided that yes ME, ME and the assistant manager would be the ones most likely to be giving out the lunches. and because i was not available the day of the training, the assistant manager wound up going. but god damnit! how ridiculous is this scenario!? why did this conversation even have to take place? am i the only functioning person in this library?! do i have to do EVERYTHING?!

part 2: lunch delivery
so i return to work yesterday after a glorious day off and the assistant manager fills me in on the lunch rules. there is only one ... RULE: lunches must be served within one hour of delivery. okay. no prob. get the lunches and serve them within an hour. after an hour, lunch is off the table. now, there is a stipulation to this rule ... if the lunches arrive too early, we can send them back and have the people keep them refrigerated until an appropriate time when they will return. cool. good to know.
when i greet she-who-must-not-be-named this morning i say with a shit-eating grin "happy first free lunch day!" she rolls her eyes at me, but in a new friendly playful way which says, "i don't really understand you, but your existence no longer disgusts me." and she and discuss the "lunch rules" and the "send the lunches back" option.
have i ever mentioned that on mondays, tuesdays and fridays we don't open until 1? well it's true. and it will come into play later.
around 11:50 a man knocks on the door to the library (because we were still closed) and she-who-must-not-be-named lets him in, announcing that the lunches are here. i look at the time, and i do a little quick math in my head even though i am not typically mathematically inclined. if it is 11:50 when the lunches arrive and the lunches must be served within an hour ... that means we must stop serving the lunches 10 minutes before the library even opens. get it? so i say to ms. manager, "ahem ... we can't take the lunches now. they have to take them back." then she gets all flustered saying she isn't sure and she doesn't know how long the lunches can be here and she's going to check some sheet of paper she has hidden under a pile of crap on her desk. and as she disappears into her office to avoid any confrontation or problem-solving, i turn to the lunch man and say, "i'm sorry but we don't open for another hour and you will have to take those lunches back and bring us fresh lunches any time after 1 pm."
he and i go back and forth a bit, then he makes a call, then looks at me and says he's sorry and that from now on he will bring the lunches between 1 and 1:30 everyday. ms. manager returns from her place of hiding but the lunchman ignored her completely, seeing that she can be of no help in any situation. then he walks off into the sunset to return later with fresh lunches.
now, i look over to see that our lovely custodian has been watching this entire interaction. and once ms. manager skulks into her office and is out of earshot i say to him, "seriously, who is the manager of this library? tell me! am i the only person who can get anything done properly around here?" and then my custodian just gave me that look he gives me and he gave me a little hug and said that i am the man. and then dear blog readers i went on my lunch break.