Wednesday, February 20, 2008

benefits ... and i don't mean dental

this month, in addition to getting tickets to the museum of natural history (which no one can use) we also got tickets to the ringling bros circus (which no one can use). so i decided i would offer a few tickets to my devoted page, figuring that maybe she would like to go with one of her friends. she was very excited about it. turns out she loves the circus. who knew? then she asked me, "do you think a guy would like to go to the circus?" how would i know? i am clueless in the ways of the man.
"why?" i ask. "do you have a boyfriend?"
"well," she says, "not exactly. we're friends .... with benefits."
now, i don't remember if she asked my opinion or if i just offered it up, but i told her that friends with benefits is a dangerous thing.
"why?" she asks.
"well," i say, "there's always one person that wants something more. and then that person inevitably gets hurt."
"yeah," she says, sighing. "i do kind of want us to be in a relationship."
then she tells me about how this guy was in a long term relationship for a few years and now he is single but with "trust issues." and suddenly i feel like i am one of the writers of He's Just Not That Into You, which i think i will recommend to her later.
"well," i say, "you have to think about you and what you want."
"so you think i need to talk to him."
"well, if you want a relationship you should tell him that."
"but i don't want him to just be in a relationship because i pressured him."
aaaaah, the old "pressure" line.
"everyone has the power to make their own decisions. it's not about pressure. you should tell him what you want. and if he wants to be in a relationship with you then he'll say that. if he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship then you can decide what you want to do."
do you see the wisdom i am laying down here?
"well, i'm just hoping that when he's ready this will turn into a relationship."
"that never happens."
"i've never heard of that happening."
"why not?"
"well," i say, "and i hate to say this because it's something my mom says to me. but why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
then she just nodded.
i mean, have you heard of anyone buying the cow after a benefits deal? i've never heard of a friends with benefits situation turning into a legitimate relationship. i've done the friend crossover. you know, where you take someone who is your friend and then you admit to them that you have a secret crush on them and then they admit that they have a secret crush on you and then you wind up dating. one time i did that and the relationship lasted a year. the other time i tried i was totally shot down. flat out rejected. sounds impossible. "who would reject you, miss dewey decimal?!" you're thinking to yourselves, but alas it's true.
then she asks me if I have ever been in a benefits situation and did I get hurt. so i admitted that one time i was in a benefits situation where i was the one who got hurt and there was another time that i was in one and the other person got hurt. my page is always asking alot of prodding type personal questions.
so then my page says to me, "i just like the benefits situation because there's less heartache."
"well," i say, "that's how these things start out, but they usually end in heartache for someone. that's kind of my point."
and then i went off to work, feeling good that i am the adult telling it like it is, helping out the youth and whatnot. seriously, i am so valuable to this library i can't even tell you.


*Bitch Cakes* said...

Your advice was sage and wise. Spoken from experience. I relate to it all and agree completely.

I'm the only woman at my job and love giving the boys insight into the female mind. I feel I could charge a great deal for this service.

Miss Dewey Decimal said...

today we had a good long talk and i gave her a copy of He's Just Not That Into You. she's going to have a little chat with this young man. i am so good. i too should charge for my services.